Place of Residence: Reality

A time to relax has yet to fall into my lap, but I'm dealing well these days. Today, though terribly bussy, was good I think because atleast I was efficient. No time at all was wasted and I accomplished much. Though I am still burdoned by the same old thoughts, I'm faring better, and learning to live again. I can't really analogize how I feel very well, and you know I love to make analogies, but maybe not making an analogy would be best in this situation. I would be concentrating on it a little too hard to forget about it, which is what I'm trying to do. The thing that probably bothers me the most is that I feel like the only one who remembers what happened. The rest of the world doesn't seem to even acknowledge the whole thing came about. What's the deal with that? Was it that meaningless that it was so easy to forget? The harsh, but true answer is obviously yes.

"Get used to harsh answers if you want the truth Nathan. If you want to be cradled and passified, then you will often have to sacrifice truth. It is rare, in these situations, to possess both."

These are the things I tell myself throughout the day as I find myself being battered at the most unexpected times. How many times have I lied because the truth would have been painful to bare? I'd like to say none, but I'm talking about telling the truth now aren't I?

Talking to yourself is a funny thing. Not many people do it, but I have a feeling there are many who wouldn't admit to it because it is... well... sorta weird. I do, and I admit that because I already wear a "weird" lable with pride. I often argue with myself about issues that I must confront much like a congressional debate. Sometimes I end up in a phillibuster though and I get no where fast. Part of me has already made up its mind and it doesn't listen to reason or emotion, depending on which side has the floor. That would be the kind of debate that gets me into these very situations. My emotional side is usually the more stubborn of the two. I gather all sorts of logical evidence against taking action, but I do it anyways because my emotional side just ignors it all. I can seriously remember every debate with myself of which the outcome slammed me 9 feet under. The song and letter I wrote that one night three years ago. I debated whether or not to deliver it, and I went against all reason, shut my eyes, and did it. Also, sitting in the gazebo that one night almost six months ago intoxicated by song, my emotional side fully awake and aware while my rationality was passified by the melody. I went against all reason and logic and wound up in the exact same place as before. Here, holding memory while the rest of the world denies its occurance. One would think I would have learned my lesson by now... HA! That's a laugh! I would do it again if the right words or even the right look crossed my way. Tragic flaw or not, this is who I am.

Love. Love to me is 100% purely poetic. This makes me old fashioned and generally feared by the majority of society. It's a freakish thing. I've written countless songs about it, most of which no other ear has heard, but love to me is the last great thing life has to offer. Don't get me wrong though. I have pleanty of love from family and friends, and especially God (you know, Him being love and all), but I wait for the last form. I just feel like it's so close, kind of like riding in a car for days trying reach your destination and then being simply a few miles away. I've always waited for this, but until now it has seemed as if I were getting ahead of myself. I don't feel that way anymore. But you know how when you're riding in a car for a long time and then you fall asleep and the trip time gets cut in half? That's what I think I need to do. I need to just relax and forget about it enough to fall asleep. Then I will wake up and be at the doorstep.

I will endure. I always say that, I know, but I will. This is all just experience and nothing more. Without it who would I be? There would be no depth to me at all and I would simply wander around without meaning or purpose. I am satisfied with the way my life is right now, maybe not directly, but in general. These are the experiences of life that I am greatful to receive. I desire no pitty nor remorse, but plain and simple understanding. That's about it. Tomorrow, again, a bussy day. I will try to get to the gym again, but I can make no promises as of yet. Peace and Love.