Discouragement, Big or Small

I should be working on math right now, and I know that usually makes me discouraged enough, but I've been doin so well this year at defeating that mind game of "I fear math". That's not to say that I've vastly improved on my performance, but there has been some here and there. Right now, though, I feel really mentally burned out and frustrated. I've had the classical music playing that I use when I really need to study, I took a warm shower, I've even been shouting out prayers so that my mind might be able to focus. I can't afford to miss this assignment. But here I am, still finding it difficult to focus. This being the case, I've decided to sleep early tonight and wake up early in the morning to work on it again. They say your mental processing is much sharper in the morning than at night. I don't know if I believe "them" but I'm willing to try anything out at this point.

I was enjoying nature today though. I find maple trees in fall to be almost as vividly enjoyable as fire, and it was a very nice day to walk around between classes and admire all of the maple trees scattered about the area. But as I was walking I got to thinking. Is this truly God's purpose for my life? To be here? Now? It is a conquering and sobering thought, asking questions of who really is making the decisions in my life. I'm so close though, and certainly there is much in my way before reaching the goals set before me, but it's all just a matter of time now. I want to be done so bad. I don't want to suffer these stresses anymore. I know I'll receive new ones when this is all through. That's to be expected and, in fact, I welcome them as long as they do in fact meet that one simple prerequisite of being new. I feel though as if I have grown two sizes too big for my cloths. I'm being held back from persuing my passions. I have come to judge my current endevors as wasted time spent on frivolous activities. All natural I suppose. I have to keep reminding myself that I am no anomaly.

I suppose I could find peace and motivation in all of this "busy" work if I knew that God had specifically placed me in those positions for that purpose, but so many of my prayers of discouragement go unanswered it seems. The silence is what has brought me into a state of questioning. It is a unique silence in that among every other facet of my life God seems to be providing me with plenty of spiritual guidance. But every time I open a text book (and I know this sounds rediculous, but it's true) I seem to feel no spiritual drive pertaining to what I'm studying at all. That's not to say that I don't feel inspiration, because I do. It's just that none of that inspiration falls within the subject of the task at hand.

Maybe it's because I don't expect God to tap me on the head tonight while I sleep and magically make me great at math. That is my raw and open spiritual concern that I lay before you right now. With all of the cries in this world from abused children, widowed wives, the murdered, the lost, the starving, and with all of the sacrafices made by the most righteous of people, where does my discouragement with school work lie? Knowing that God is limitless doesn't change the fact that I still can't justify my small, middle-class, white boy college student discouragement to God in the midst of all of the weight of the universe. Asking for such things makes me feel spoiled, but still, it doesn't stop me from asking, like tonight. I just don't seem to get any answers or peace when it comes to stuff like this, so I begin to sway back and forth, reconcidering how important my pleas seem.

Ah, who knows. Maybe God will tap me on the head tonight. Whatever be the results, I'm sleeping. Peace and love.

Starting a Fire with Damp Wood

I know I always say that I'm tired, but I must assure you that those other times shy in comparison to how tired I am right now. I should be in bed, but there's a lot going on in my head and writing... well, it seems to be such a wonderful means by which to deal with mental fragmentation, I thus have no choice but to comply with my yearning desire to express.

Let me adress why I'm so tired. Well... when the party at the house last night started getting a little crazy, Catherine and Natalie were gracious enough to let us go with them back to their apartment to escape the chaos. I know a lot of people had a great time, but I just feel weird about those kinds of environments when alcohol really starts to take its hold. But anyways, we decided to go to the store and pick up a few ingredients for this little dessert that the girls knew how to make. They're called pumpkin rolls, and we helped make some (starting at what must have been 1 o'clock in the morning). While they were baking we decided to watch "A Beautiful Mind" which is when I fell asleep on their floor and didn't really wake up till the movie was almost over. It was a funny realization once the movie had ended that THEY in fact drove us instead of us driving ourselves... so they were gracious enough to drive us back to our house at four in the morning. It was good fun and I really enjoy their company. They remind me of what it's like to have good clean adventurous fun, which I now realize that I've been missing out on for a while.

When we got to the house it was destroyed. There were beer bottles everywhere, and the house smelled of stale perfume, flat beer, and a little bit of vomit. The sight reminded me of why I'm not completely down with the whole party scene.

I slept

I woke up

Matt and I headed to RCA B to record "Don't Stop Believin" by Journey. Matt was playing drums and I was singing. It was a hard song to sing because it's freakishly high in pitch. During this one part, I kept messing up and messing up because my voice kept squeeking on the high screams, well... there are these tour groups that run through RCA all day, and they get to watch us record. While I was messing up, the tour group stopped and listened and was anxiously waiting for me to pull it out. Well, finaly I did. I got this perfect rock screem out onto tape and everyone in the control room started jumping up and down and the tour group started taking pictures of me. It was really funny. Viking took me back to the house before the session was over though... cuz I had to go to work.

I went to work

It wasn't very busy today. In fact, it was rediculously slow. But to top off everything, we had an incident today in which the police had to get involved. A drunk woman came down and started threatening us and yelling explatives at us because one of the guys wouldn't give her her car keys because she was so staggering drunk. Funny think is, I'm not exactly sure what company policy on that is. He was noble enough to lay the smack down to company policy though and do what any decent human would do which is keep a crazy drunk like that off of the street. Well... again, she didn't appreciate that too much so she was taking our names, inserting random explatives in the middle of her sentences, and staggering around. It was really quite sad. I wonder if she will even remember anything when she wakes up. Any way you look at it, she's going to feel pretty crappy in the morning.

I came home

I decided that I wanted some time to sit and think about my future and my past. This is a new and interesting time in my life and I want to make sure that I cherish it. Nothing does me quite better than sitting outside infront of a fire too. No one wanted to join me because sleep made a higher priority to them, but as for me, I went to it. It was a bit challenging because all of the wood was wet and there was a puddle in the pit itself, but if you can get a steady flame up, you'll eventually be able to dry out any amount of moisture, which is what I did. I love staring at fire. I could do it all day if I were allowed. It's so beautiful to me. A very interesting and enchanting element. It is soft looking in texture and in light. It is very unpredictable, beautiful, and warm.

I sleep.

Peace and love.

The First Cold

While the day was busy trying to stress me out, I was elsewhere in my mind. I feel optomistic right now and ready for upcoming challenge. Speaking of which, there seems to be plenty on the horizon, but again, I feel too concerned with higher goals right now than the menial ones at hand... I'll still get the little ones done, but I'm not overly thrilled about it.

This train of thought can become dangerous thought. I speak as a person who has very progressive thought habits. I always want to know what's going to happen next, but it is healthy to consider that while progressive thinking can be very beneficial, there is a point of moderation and a point of abuse. Here, for instance, because of my current overly progressive thinking, I no longer posses failure as a motivator to get things done. These failures, as they used to seem rather large, now seem small. I'm tired of being spoon fed my education. I want to educate myself on the things I want to know. Isn't that the point of edcuation anyways? That's the message a large majority of students receives anyways. You are educated so you can learn how to educate yourself. Come to think of it, that's really all employers care about too. Can this guy learn the ropes of the job or can't he?

There's still so much for this year to hold thought. That's for sure. I don't REALLY know where I'm going when I graduate. I'm looking for signs where ever I go that might point me in any specific direction, and thus far, most of them are pointing to Raleigh NC. There is really one, maybe two things, that could keep me in Nashville for any prolonged period of time, and as I would prefer to keep those as personal subjects, I can reveal this much. Each day that passes compiles more and more doubt in me that my roots belong here.

So let me surface in intellectual conversation before I go to bed to say these few words. It is really cold outside. It would be convenient to have a stronger arsonal of warmer cloths, but for the time being, at least I have my space heater and a few warm coats. I should be greatful. Space heaters are great, by the way. Mine is especially nice when, right before I go to sleep, I throw my blanket over it and get underneath and bake fore a few minutes. Mmmm... That sounds nice. I think I might just do that now. Peace and love.

The Past Couple of Days

It's not that I've been too busy to write. I just haven't gotten around to it for one reason or another. There's lots to say though. I mean this weekend alone proved interesting enough. I'll start with Friday night when Viking and I stayed home and did absolutely nothing, but that's fine because we haven't done absolutely nothing together in quite some time. I later found myself wrestling with difficult thoughts, but through that adversity I now feel more at ease about the way things are and the way things will potentially be.

Saturday was an early morning, but I dealt much better with the situation than I initially thought. I haven't worked first shift since summer so I was afraid my body would have been rather unaccustomed to being fully active at 7am, but with the assistance of a few prayers and a cup full of cafeen, I managed to work just fine. We ended up making quite a bit of cash that day so I went home feeling pretty good. After that, I really didn't do much again. I mean, being around the house isn't bad, but I sorta felt antsy. I don't have much social connection right now either because I'm rationing my cell phone due to the fact that I lost my cell charger. I went and bought a car charger only to realize that I don't drive that much... Whatever.

Sunday morning I woke up to a strange and sorrowful sound. A mouse was shreiking in the kitchen and it was as I suspected. The baby mouse I saw a few nights ago had gotten stuck in a spider trap next to the counter. It was completely trapped. So I worked for about 15 minutes trying to get it free and eventually plopped it into a Claussen's Pickle jar. I cleverly named it baby claussen for reasons I shant reveal.

Later Sunday, I bought a fire pit, and for the past two nights we have been enjoying roaring fires out in the yard. I love it. I don't know what it is about fire that mezmorizes me so much, but it does. I also enjoy chopping wood. I chopped a fallen tree into bits Sunday afternoon and when I was done I felt so incredibly subdued as if all of my inner agression just melted away with each swing of the ax.

So maybe I'm an ax murderer on the inside... but no... I didn't kill Baby Claussen in a most grueling manner as I did to two baby mice my freshman year, so I must be reformed at heart. But speaking of Claussen, I let him go tonight. I felt bad about keeping him in such confined spaces. He was released in the yard, but if he comes back inside, I will probably kill him as I plan on doing to the rest of his family that still craps all over our stove.

Dreams. I had another dream today. It was a repeat of one that I had last year. I'm not going to talk much about it... maybe if you ask me on a personal basis, but I gotta say... Whenever I have this dream my entire day is brightened. I just get full of joy and nothing can get me down. The dream is so real too. I actually stopped in the middle of it today and asked myself if I was dreaming and then I finally convinced myself that I wasn't... but then I woke up.

Other than that, I feel pretty inspired. I've had a lot of staggering thoughts lately, but I feel more comfortable not sharing them on an internet intermediary. Hope all is well where you are. Peace and love.

Triviality

I was listening to a sermon by John Piper the other day and he mentioned that one of the greatest problems with American spirituallity today is that we have lost all "intellectual and emotional connection to awe-inspiring soul-staggaring grandor. Instead, we are drowning in a sea of triviality..." because we have become so obsessed with self gratification and "now" mentality. We become satisfied with low buzzes like power and sex and we can't even immagine that there might be something better out there. This is all we know.

I thought about that for a while and it seems so real. So much of our lives, even within the church, is trivial and comfortable. TV, music, education, Christian books (a good many of them) are all just "fluff" as my friend Clayton puts it. It seems to me, now and probably because I have been awakened to it, that I sink so fast as soon as I partake in triviality. I loose motivation and passion to be in that higher place. It is very much like drowning, but also there lies the danger of being drowned by those around you. As a lifeguard it is of utmost importance to learn how to rescue someone who is drowning without being taken down with them. That's the way drowning people behave. Even someone who might love you dearly in a rational situation will step on you in a paniced state. We do that a lot to eachother don't we? We judge the ones who's sights might be higher than our own. A popular phrase is "I liked him/her better when..." It makes us uncomfortable when someone reaches higher understanding and conduct. It's almost as if it makes our flaws even more visible. We lash out or retract or possibly just loose interest. Afterall, according to most philosophers, a trivial mind finds most things of higher substance to be boring.

But right now I'm reading through Romans again and with that I am looking over John Piper's sermons and getting more ideas and projections as to what exactly Paul was talking about in such a powerful book. It's challenging, but good.

I should be working on calculus right now, but as I said before, I no longer really care about my grades (as sad as that sounds). My care is only on graduation and the life that waits beyond. I'm really excited about it and if I had it my way I would already be there, but alas, I am bound in a world governed by time and gravity, so not only must I work in succession, but I must keep my feet on the ground while doing it.

(Oh, I got my hair cut today.)

Well, despite the many thoughts that are still churning around in my head, I must get some work done before I go to bed. Peace and love.

Cold Rain

I'm back in Nashville now. It was a much needed time away and didn't last quite as long as I would have hoped. There's just never enought time, it seems, to get done all the things you wish you complete.

Last night, soon after I got back, we all went to Walmart to do a bit of winter shopping. I bought my space heater and some food and toiletries (being that I left my soap and shampoo in North Carolina). My ailments have been declining at least to the extent that I was able to get a good night sleep last night. Morning, however, was still off balance. When I woke up I was met with the worst nose bleed of my life. I bled pretty hard for about 45 minutes. I'm hoping that I can restock all of the lost blood because I have a doctor's appointment today which will require a huge blood draw and then work right after that. I'm in the proactive bracket today though. I didn't quite make it to my frist class because of my shower of blood this morning, but during that time of recovery I drove Viking to work, sent in my ticket to request a court date, took my pants to the taylor to get them hemmed before work today, and I picked up my check from Belmont and put it in the bank. I'm finally on top after a good while of being under. The trick is staying on top. If I drop back at all in the next five weeks, I'll never recover.

I'm really hoping I don't pass out at work today because of lack of blood. I say that, but honestly half of me thinks it would be kinda fun. I mean I wouldn't get in trouble because my boss sorta guilt-tripped me into doing it, but maybe, for once, they'd put me in one of those nice hotel beds and let me take a nap... or maybe they'd call an ambulance and make me go to the hospital... I'd better tell them in advance that I don't want any ambulances if I should black out.

But being home and sleeping in real beds got me to thinkin. I should probably put my matress on the floor because, as of now, I sleep on a tilt. I think that could be the reason why I had so much back pain while I was home. I just have to figure out where I'll put the frame when I take it apart.

Oh... and I don't know if I mentioned it in the previous journal, but Grace will be having a baby boy. His name will be Josiah Samuel Thompson (I think I spelled that right). I've already decided that I'm going to be the edgy/fun uncle that buys him a pocket knife before he's old enough.

Arg... my nose is running. I need a tissue. I'd also like to give a shout-out to cell phones. Thanks to you, the library is no longer a quiet place in which to concentrate. Peace and love.

Carolina de Norte

The break has been good thus far. I merely hoped to have a relaxed time with my family and friends along with some future contemplation on the side, both which I have gotten. Turns out I'm really allergic to Casey, my dog. A few minutes after walking into my house my sinuses swelled up and my throat. I still haven't recovered, but I love my dog, so whatever, I'll have a headache for a few days I guess.

Let's see... where to begin? Thursday I ended up having lunch with the pastor of the church I grew up in. Bill and I talked a lot about seminary options and where my spiritual life currently resides. Later I went over to the Hengevelds and caught up with them again which is always nice. After that I went home and ate dinner with my folks. I've been eating a lot of real food lately which, oddly enough, has been doing a number on my stomach. That makes me feel bad. I really had THAT much crap to eat in school to where my stomach would question healthy good food? Wow! Later that night Karl and I went over to Jordan's house and sat out by the fire. I love that. It's such a carefree pass-time. We spent some time catching up though and... well... chalk one more of my friends up to "getting married." Jordan... be strong.

Today I drove down to Fuquay-Varina to visit my sister and brother-in-law Grace and Josh.
That's me in front of their computer typing tonight... Just thought I'd jot it down in my photo history... Anyways,
Grace is pregnant but doesn't look it, and Josh seems to be enjoying his new job. Grace and I spent most of the day wandering around the campus of Southeastern Seminary. I'm eyeing it over as a possibility after graduation, so I figured while I'm here I might as well get a feel for the campus environment. It seems really nice. We then went to World Market and looked around for a while. I wish Nashville had one of those. I could have bought the whole store it was so amazing. They had all sorts of foreign instruments and decoration. After that we met up with Josh and some of their friends from their old church and had dinner followed by a movie. It was called "Facing Giants" and it was a Christian film. It was a bit hokey in my opinion, but it had a good message. For someone like me, though, it's really hard to get past production quality. I've been in such a snobby production environment for so long, it has sort of become a part of me.

So tomorrow I head back to High Point. I don't really know what's in store when I get home, but that's the way I like it. I sorta wish break was going to last longer just because I know I won't be ready to go back to Nashville on Sunday, but that's the way the cards deal. Peace and love.

Finishing Touches

This has been the hardest midterm of the semester by far for me. Between work and class, I have had very little time to relax, but that is about to change. I'm in the library computer lab right now finishing off my art paper. As soon as I give the presentation and hand it in, I'll feel a lot better. I still have a marketing test tomorrow, but I'm not worried. I'm going to be too preoccupied by fall break to really care what I make on it.

Last night I served as shift manager for the first time at the hotel. I guess you could say I was promoted, but it wasn't too bad. Of course, nothing really happened that required intense problem solving skills, but some guys did buy me dinner from P.F. Changs which is great because now that I ration my food, I'll have two meals out of that easy.

I've got to find a phone charger today because I left mine in the recording truck on Saturday. It isn't left on campus either. It is kept about an hour away in a town called Shelbyville.

My right index finger hurts pretty bad right now. I was setting a mousetrap last night to catch that son-of-a-b!7@h mouse that keeps eating all of our food and crapping on our stove. Well... while I was setting the trap it went off on my finger... so that's the story.

So I guess I overestimated how much time it would take me to get this project done this morning. I did stay up pretty late last night working on it, but I just wanted to be safe. Now I have to find a way to kill time. I can't stay here for long because some lady just threw a "Reserved For Class" sign down in front of my computer while I was working. So I guess that means I can't write for much longer.

Here's a list of things I could do:
*get a biscuit and eat it
*watch a movie on my ipod (too Belmont)
*rebel against the sign and stay right here
*walk around campus aimlessly
*key into pembroke's front desk and sleep on the couch

This list is meant to display that I no longer know what to do with free time. Ahh the effects of school. I'm out. Peace and love.

Coffee in the Pot

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen. It's midterms time and I'm still alive 1/4th of the way through my last year of school ever. I must confess that it took a bit of what some would consider "irresponsibility" in order for me to be placed in such a proactive mood. I skipped a few classes yesterday and today (not the same ones multiple times, but each one once) so that I could get my head into the right place. Why am I so worried about class? I know I try my hardest in any given situation, and I'm not going to let this bring me down in the midst of such important times.

"Relax" is the word of the day. I'm trying to relax and stop worrying about things that either a: I have no control over, or b: things that don't really hold much weight in the outcome of my life.

The really hard things for me to deal with are the situations where people have to deal with my scew-ups. I do worry about that a lot, but there's nothing I can really do about the past. I have to accept it and then I have to try and avoid making the same mistakes twice.

So tonight I went to the grocery store with Viking and picked up some bread, peanut butter, jelly, eggs, and some coffee stuffs. That's right. I'm going to give coffee a try in the mornings, see how it suits me (I hate mornings).

When we got back I peeled out the old moldy coffee grinds that were left in the maker for who KNOWS how long ago. I then ran some viniger through and then two cycles of water to clean it out. After that, the brewing commenced. I drank two cups tonight so that I could keep focused and awake (the awake part is working but as for the focused... well...). Physics is done and I'll be going to sleep early after I study a little bit more calculus. I have a test tomorrow, but I'm staying "relaxed" and I'll do the best I can. I feel good though. I'm already doing better than I did before in that class (for those of you who don't know... yes... I'm taking it twice because I wussed out and dropped it last year ((maybe not the best of ideas)).

So... I'll be pretty busy for the next few days. Tests and work tomorrow and then showcase the following day. I do live sound recording in a truck using a Soundcraft DC2020 mixing console and a bunch of other outboard gear including some API and GML mic pre's and a Voxbox and Cranesong compressor. The inside almost looks like this... except without the nice hardwood finish and black lining... and the two late-middle aged men. Replace them with five college students and that's about where it is.


Well, it's back to studying for me. Peace and love.

Stretched

I haven't written (for fun) in quite a while. Given the recent happenings, I don't really blame myself. I mean, honestly, I shouldn't even by writing right now. I should be studying or doing some sort of homework, but I'm hitting senioritis pretty hard. My passions do not lie in the mundane work handed down to me by my professors. Those assignments sit between the cover of books leering at me as if, in their vast number, they know that I can't possibly complete them all. It can become aggrivating real quick because you suddenly realize that there's not really much at all in your life that you feel passionate about. That's not to say that there's nothing positive in my life, but my existance is so task oriented right now that such feelings tend to permiate off of my focuses and affect the positive things too. I hate that. I have become my own enemy. It's completely possible to be joyful in my situation were it not for my stubborn desire for control. I want so badly to be considered responsible, but I carry too much weight for my means. And then, with every negative stroke that comes my way, I take it head on, keeping tabs and holding it up as to say "life is not fair." It's like that time when I tried to bunk that bed in the dorms at the beginning of last year with no one else's help. I felt that if I could just pull that off It would somehow make me better. When the other guys walked in and saw me trying as hard as I could to win, I suddenly realized how stupid I looked.

Of course, I've never been okay with failure. I don't know how I developed that characteristic, but I know I have to let it go. Ha, that's like trying to learn how to let go of your arm from your shoulder. And from that so many people tell me that I should just give it to God as if such an action were easy and should have already been done. But giving up is still an action, and one that I'm not very good at. I don't know what that image looks like or entails. Sometimes giving something up to God is an awful lot like cutting off a piece of your body. I mean I would rather have it taken from me in some sort of unexpected waterskiing accident than having someone hand me a knife and say "well... go to it." And with every saw-like motion and slicing sound you wince, and the blood keeps on flowing. Once it's done you still hurt and it gets wrapped up. Then as time progresses you sometimes feel like it's still there, but it isn't. And after that comes the part where you have to spend days, weeks, and years trying to learn how to live without it.

So I guess sometimes I guess if you were to acquire something and hold it to your chest, then someone could come up to you and simply say "shhh... just lower your hands, uncurl your fingers, and let gravity do the rest." But when you are born with something it's a lot harder to hear "shhh... just take that saw and cut it off and everything will be fine." It's hard because you know that your entire life will be readjusted and the pain, though at one point will be subsided, will none the less last a good bit of time. Have I gotten you too lost in this metaphore, or are you still hanging with me?

If we were pure, sinless, and unfallen, I immagine life's decisions and values wouldn't be very difficult, but sin nature (even forgiven sin nature) tends to complicate even the simplest of matters.

I really need to go to bed.

Peace and love.