Oh Geeze

Those were pretty much the only words coming out of my mouth for the past thirty minutes as I was cleaning out the fridge. We had an entire industrial garbage bag full of rotten food. I think I might just take a shower just to feel better about myself, but I don't know.

I wasn't entirely in a good mood today. Something strong was bothering me and it effected my performance all day. I've been more tired lately, that's for sure, more tired and more hungry. I always complain about being tired though. I need to stop that. I could always be more tired than right now.

Budgeting is a big part of my life these days, this month especially. Rent has been higher because of Stuffy leaving for England. We won't have a new roommate until next month. Also, I have dues to pay this month along with groceries. I'm greatful because I have people supporting me. This could be a great deal more difficult than it is, and I'm not trying to come across as if I'm complaining or anything. I wanted this year to be like this because I wanted a new opportunity to grow. I'm glad for that.

I've got to work on physics and math tonight. I'm not to thrilled about that. Matt and I generally work on physics together, but he's working on his car right now with Chubbs, and it's taking a little bit longer than usual.

I'm trying to get back in the gym more too. There's so much on my mind that I just can't process by sitting around or even reading. I need to do something physically exhausting. The gym helps out in that department. I want to swim, but I'll just wait until after I graduate to join some sort of health complex. I just can't juggle that right now.

More and more of my mind seems to wander towards my future this year as well. Some of my desires fell through recently so I have nothing pointing me in any direction. That being the case, maybe I could do something a little unpredictable and exciting when I graduate. I'm pretty serious about taking a stroll through Europe. I even had a dream last night about buying a motorcycle so I could go cross-continent with a better feeling of freedom.

It feels almost like that longing sensation I had when I was a senior in high school. I want to go somewhere where I can get lost again.

So I think for the longest time I've wondered who I was. Those questions don't seem as loud anymore because I know these few important things:

a.) You are who you are when you accept your flaws and stop trying to fit in someone else's mold.
b.) Men and women (as bitter as we, of this generation, are towards eachother) are almost exactly alike. We just speak different languages.
c.) Rejection is always a risk and it always hurts. I wish I could say "Get used to it." but you never will.
d.) You can do anything you put your mind to except control the will of another individual. Love is given, not taken. I believe God set these laws in motion to teach us more of who He is.

Now all I want to know is what I'll do when this stage is over.

Peace and love.