Red Eye of Prophecy

Weird sounding, huh? I know, but that's what I drempt about last night... well, one of two things. First dream was about this prophetess that I was supposed to visit. The only trick was getting to her.

She lived at the bottomo of this revene with a depth that could not be determined because of a fog that prevented you from seeing the ground. The hard part was that you had to jump in order to get to it. If you fell you would never find her. Your mind had to be completely made up and confident. So I eventually jumped and floated to the bottom where it seemed as if I were in a new world. There was a house with a porch decorated with flower pots and hanging ferns. It didn't seem mystical at all, just a regular neighborhood with an average old lady sitting on the front porch watching for something. I approached her and hesitantly told her who I was looking for because... well, she didn't exactly meet my mental image of a prophetess (but I'm the one who makes ignorant stereotypes). She then told me that it was she that I was looking for and then preceded to tell me that she had three eyes. She pointed the first two obvious ones out and then asked me where I thought the third one was as she turned in a circle, parting through her hair as to keep me guessing. I had no idea, so she pointed over to one of her flower pots. She told me it was in there (what a weird place to keep an eye, I thought) so I went over and looked in. There it was, an eye in a flower pot looking about as weird as you could immagine. It looked straight back at me and then it began to turn red. She said I would see something spectacular in there about my purpose, so I looked intently. All of the sudden it was like I had an out of body experience. I just saw flash after flash and image after image, but sitting her thinking about it, I don't recall anything about them. The dream ended there.

My next dream involved a series of dark tunnels deep under the city of Nashville. There was a group of us who thought it would be fun to go there and navigate through them. Evidently it had been known that people got lost in those many miles of pitch black tunnels and for some reason that did not deter any of us from wanting to go. The enterance (sensing a theme here) was inside an ordinary looking house in the basement. There was a fee of $3 a head which we gladly payed and then we went on our way. Now supposidly there were clues scattered all throughout the tunnels telling you how to get to certain areas. We found a few of them, but couldn't read any of them. Oh, did I mention that we had small little dragons that flew with us? Yeah, weird part number 2. So we pressed onward and every once-in-a-while we would surface at a fork in the road in these weird looking third-world shop venues. It was here where you could decide whether or not you wished to progress or turn around and go home. All I remember is going back down before I woke up.

Waking up was the weirdest part. Referring back to the first dream, I have a set up on my computer to wake me up with a random song off of my computer on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. When I say random song, I should probably tell you that I have exactly 1906 songs on my computer to select from. The one that played red these lyrics.

"her eyes were green like july except when she cried, they were red, red"

That got my attention. I flew out of bed, shut off the song and hit the showers.

The rest of the day was pretty ordinary. I did my class thing and came home. When I did get home I devoted some time to cleaning up the house and the yard. We also opened up the doors and let the cool fall breeze blow through. During that time, to people approached the house and I spent a good amount of time talking to them about whatever. Interesting.

Finally, the night ended with another RUSH event with the fraternity. It has been a really great time thus far and we only have one event left.

I guess this is the part where I sign off and go to sleep. I've still got lots on my mind, but I just don't feel like writing anymore. Peace and love.

Oh NO! It's Happening

The drugs are kicking in, and by "drugs" I mean the pressure of school. I can feel it pressing down. I keep on moving though, it's just that I feel a bit more vulnerable than usual. It started with math class (who woulda known) and ended up getting louder and louder throughout the remainder of the day. I feel drained right now, that's for sure.

I got really flustered today at work when a guest came and parked in our reserved spaces. I politely told him that he was in a reserved spot, but if he would like to valet we could easily arrange that for him. He looked at me and said "There's no sign." I assured him that despite that one spot having no sign, all of the others on that floor did and that for future reference, he should abstain from parking in the reserved lot.

"There's no sign, so I'm leaving my car there!"
"Well sir, I'll make sure to have a sign posted for you right away... (waited for him to walk into the hotel and saying under my breath) if it will help you sleep at night."

then he comes back out...

"What's your name?!"
"Nathan"
"Your full name!"
"Nathan Crandell, that's C-r-a-n-d-e-l-l" (he had his cell phone out as if he were texting it to the mob to have me "hit") So I sumersaulted over to him, rolled behind him with stealth-like speed and put him in a sleeper-hold until he passed out. Then I drug him to the street, layed him out on the sidewalk with an empty bottle of beer that was in our trash, and the police came and picked him up. You should have seen the confusion on his face when he gained consciousness in the back of the squad car. Then I got a raise... ... Not really, but the thought did cross my mind as I supressed my anger and continued doing what it is I get paid for.

Normally I wouldn't feel bad about doing my job. That guy was clearly breaking our facilities laws and being unreasonable with my polite offer. Granted, the under the breath remark was a bit off sides, but he didn't hear it. I know he didn't because the two guys standing right next to me didn't hear it either. So anyways I went and found a sign and put it up right in front of where he was parked and when he came out I told him that there was no penalty to him but a sign was posted. He stormed off, knocked the sign down, and drove off. It really got me hot under the coller. I felt misunderstood and I hate feeling misunderstood. I try to practice a means of customer service based on the theory that people can be difused or encouraged by your attitude. I was very curtious towards him initially and even more than he deserved afterwards, but he just wanted to be mad. I don't understand people like that, and that makes me mad.

At the recital tonight everything went really well. We all played our pieces and it was good fun. I did this special number that was tradition with our fraternity. Chris Cropsey used to sing a song called "Dead Puppies Aren't Much Fun", but he graduated a while back so I wanted to play it in his legacy. I did and the kicker was that I got the girls from the audience to come up and sit next to me as if I was going to serenade them. Then I kicked into "Dead Puppies" and everyone, including the girls, were laughing. But this one guy in the audience who was one of my residents last year seemed so offended that he got up and left. We then did a real serenade for the girls and then moved on with the recital. I didn't know that he left until afterwards when one of my friends pointed it out to me. Was there any offensive material in that song? Not to me or anyone I knew (I thought). It merely states the obvious in a very classical sort of way.

Dead puppies aren't much fun
They don't come
When you call
They don't chase
Squirrels at all
Dead puppies aren't much fun

I don't know. It just saddened me that he left, but anyways, moving on. Oh yeah, and one more thing happened, but I don't want to talk about it. I'll leave it to the ones who were there to figure it out.

Now I'm just trying to figure out what I need to do to get the work I have set before me done this week. I don't have any motivation right now, so it's just up to programed auto-pilot mindlessness to kick in. I hate feeling like this.

Also, Stuffy left for England today. We're all sad because he'll be gone for a while, but he'll have fun I'm sure. I'm even envious. I want to go to Europe but I just don't have the means for now, maybe for a while.

I'm gunna relax now. Peace and love.

It Came and Went

What happened to this weekend? I don't know. I can tell you that the downtime was almost non-existant. I must say though, it was different, that's for sure. Friday was a beautiful day. The air was perfect and the sun was shining so I felt confined to be stuck in a building for any prolonged duration of time. That's why I left early. It was for the best too. Matt and I ended up going on a most excellent adventure in the name of high quality sound. We drove thirty miles out into the country to this river I found two years ago. This place is so picturesqu it's almost unbelievable. I can't even begin to describe it just to say that we waded down the shallow water to a distant place and set up our audio equipment and captured the most awesome water/nature sounds I could have hoped for that day. We then, instead of going home, decided to drive and get lost. We ended up on the Natchez Trace Parkway and found the world-famous Natchez Trace Bridge. All the while I was thinking how nice it was to get away from the city. It was absolutely beautiful. And for those few moments out on that river and staring over the edge of that high bridge, I felt free from society. I felt a peace that only the beauty of nature can sing. I honestly could have spent the rest of the day there, but I am bound to my obligations, so I had to return.

Saturday was an interesting day. Stuffy, Weeman, Terra, and I went to Australia Fest at Centennial Park. They had all sorts of interesting events going on like Australian Football, Cricket, Girl's Rugby, an Aborigonee crafting Digery Doos, and Sheep hearding. Speaking of sheep hearding, they gave me an opportunity to try and heard some sheep and It's pretty hard. But the digery-doo performance later in the day was amazing. I just wanted to get lost in the sound of it. So through all of that excitement I went to the Australia Embassy booth to see if they could use my job skills. That's what they were advertising, "Australia Needs Skills". I was, however, soarly disappointed to find that not even Australia needs sound people. What will I do when I graduate? Nobody wants me!

Sunday was a rough day starting but a fine day to finish. Matt and I went to church to help set up for sound and the guy who volunteered this week was a complete jerk. Even Matt had his patience tested by this guy, which is a bit harder than testing my patience. I wanted to just leave, but Matt talked me into staying and for good reason. Later we discovered that the BGV singers didn't show up like they were supposed to, so I told the worship director that I could sing and so he tested me out by giving me a part and I did it to his approval. So he let me sing for the service and it was great. I haven't felt needed in church for a long time. I've just felt so alienated like nothing I have is useful to anyone. I'm musical and I live in Nashville. Do you see the problem with that? Everyone here is musical. It's like being a dollar in a stack of one million dollars. I realize again that I can't stay here when I graduate and that I've only come for a short duration of time, in fact, I hope to get out of here for a short while very soon so that I can be reminded as to what it's like to be musical in a place in need of music.

Finally, tonight I was at the studio working with one of my fraternity brothers, helping him get a demo recorded for some sort of project he has. He's already graduated so it was almost like a professional gig, which had me excited. I still admit to not knowing near what I feel like I should though. Maybe I just wasn't patient enough to think it through tonight. Anyways, I need to get some sleep. Peace and love.

Murder Without Death

I was talking to a friend I haven't talked to in a long time last night. I told him about all of the pains I have been through since we last met and about all of the bridges I have burned. I do that so much... burn bridges that is. I don't know why. He told me that people are all the time telling you that you shouldn't burn your bridges, but to him, it is more important to be who you are than to conform to what other people say you should do or be. Sometimes I feel like who I am is nothing more than a reckless monger holding a pack of matches in his left hand and a gas tank in his right. Burning bridges is what I do. But I was thinking about it in relationship to murder today. When I have wronged someone so horribly as to where they never want to see me ever again, it's almost as if I have killed them in a fit of pride. I will never see them again, and if I were to, it wouldn't be them, but an awkward and defensive form that has every right to exist.

Why do I burn bridges?

I think some of it has to do with pride and the other half deals mainly with fear. Burning a bridge, for me, is like pulling up a drawbridge... permanently. It keeps "them" or "it" out of my city walls. I do it with ease too. Without a simple thought I do it because it feels safe. Once the bridge is burned, I don't even stop there. I then go thumping my chest to all of my friends, telling them in a very engaging manner how glorious the flames were as I victoriously put the situation in its place. But at night, often times in my dreams, the truth eventually comes out. I'm afraid of the pain that would ensue if I were to keep those bridges alive. "They" or "it" would have the power to hurt me. I would have no control.

So time passes and I become sorry. I no longer feel it to have been a worthwhile action to take because I end up lonely and more often than not, the subject goes on unaffected or the person, without care. Simply put, I lose, and even if they were to forgive me, it would be unlikely for me to forgive myself.

You would think an understanding of self such as this would curb my habits and bring me towards a better place, but it doesn't. No matter what I do, burning bridges always seems to be the easiest and most painless way out, and so I continue to do so. Hah, not to condone my actions or anything, but maybe the answer would be someone who cared enough to swim across the bridgeless gap and smack me in the face. Whatever. I'm going to stop writing now. I've far passed the line of ridiculousness. I'm going to bed. Peace and love.

Stung

I woke up from another vivid dream yesterday morning. I was in a horrible accident. I remember flying through the air, having left my vehicle through the windshield. I crashed through the brush on the side of the road, ripping completely through a large limb and then it went black. When I woke up I was in a hospital, my hair was longer. I had been in a coma for two months. My back had been broken but my spinal cord not severed, my right leg and my left hip were also broken, but mending. So much had happened in those two months and I remember everyone trying to explain it all to me. It was rough.

When I woke up I loafed around the house for a while. At about lunch time we ended up riding our bikes down to McDonalds just to get out into the open air. We arrived and were looking for a place to park our bikes. Matt and Viking informed me that parking across the street, chaining our bikes to an old metal fire escape next to the church turned into a play theater. I stood under the stairs to position my bike when an insect grazed past my ear. I figured I must have startled it and went about doing what it was that I was doing when all of the sudden, a swarm of them immerged. They were wasps and they were pissed. I ran out waving and swatting, but I made eye contact with the one that got ahold of me. It stuck straight into my wrist, right into the vein. It hurt pretty bad and swelled up, but I survived. There's just a little red mark right now.

As far as classes go, I'm not quite stressed out right now. It being my senior year and all, I really am starting to focus more and more on my future. I'm not really worried about my performance in any of my classes. That's not to say that I'm slacking off or anything. I'm just not stressed out like I normally would be. This is the last of the last of my educational career. I'm excited about that. I'm also excited about being able to cope with the "real world" as I see it. I take care of the house, I hold down a job, I work on extracarricular activities, and I work through my classes. I'm staying on top of all of these things, and it is encouraging. Peace and love.

Oh Geeze

Those were pretty much the only words coming out of my mouth for the past thirty minutes as I was cleaning out the fridge. We had an entire industrial garbage bag full of rotten food. I think I might just take a shower just to feel better about myself, but I don't know.

I wasn't entirely in a good mood today. Something strong was bothering me and it effected my performance all day. I've been more tired lately, that's for sure, more tired and more hungry. I always complain about being tired though. I need to stop that. I could always be more tired than right now.

Budgeting is a big part of my life these days, this month especially. Rent has been higher because of Stuffy leaving for England. We won't have a new roommate until next month. Also, I have dues to pay this month along with groceries. I'm greatful because I have people supporting me. This could be a great deal more difficult than it is, and I'm not trying to come across as if I'm complaining or anything. I wanted this year to be like this because I wanted a new opportunity to grow. I'm glad for that.

I've got to work on physics and math tonight. I'm not to thrilled about that. Matt and I generally work on physics together, but he's working on his car right now with Chubbs, and it's taking a little bit longer than usual.

I'm trying to get back in the gym more too. There's so much on my mind that I just can't process by sitting around or even reading. I need to do something physically exhausting. The gym helps out in that department. I want to swim, but I'll just wait until after I graduate to join some sort of health complex. I just can't juggle that right now.

More and more of my mind seems to wander towards my future this year as well. Some of my desires fell through recently so I have nothing pointing me in any direction. That being the case, maybe I could do something a little unpredictable and exciting when I graduate. I'm pretty serious about taking a stroll through Europe. I even had a dream last night about buying a motorcycle so I could go cross-continent with a better feeling of freedom.

It feels almost like that longing sensation I had when I was a senior in high school. I want to go somewhere where I can get lost again.

So I think for the longest time I've wondered who I was. Those questions don't seem as loud anymore because I know these few important things:

a.) You are who you are when you accept your flaws and stop trying to fit in someone else's mold.
b.) Men and women (as bitter as we, of this generation, are towards eachother) are almost exactly alike. We just speak different languages.
c.) Rejection is always a risk and it always hurts. I wish I could say "Get used to it." but you never will.
d.) You can do anything you put your mind to except control the will of another individual. Love is given, not taken. I believe God set these laws in motion to teach us more of who He is.

Now all I want to know is what I'll do when this stage is over.

Peace and love.

Labor Day

Tonight we had a party, and it was fun.

Europe Would Be Nice

I'm writing right now because I'm feeling very impatient, not just for a specific need, but all the way around. Maybe I'm still pumped up from playing ultimate frisbee. We've started playing on Sunday nights with a group of people that meet out on this soccer field close to our house. They're all older than college age which makes it nice. I like mingling with people outside of my demographic every once-in-a-while, plus they're not over-competative. We all just want to have fun, but we're all still pretty good at the same time.

Somehow I don't think high activity is the reason for my impatience though. I've felt like this all day, which is why I cleaned the house and why I mowed the lawn. I feel caged I guess. I'm HERE doing THIS and that is the only acceptable place for me. I want to travel and go places I've never seen before. I want to experience. I've just got to keep in mind that I need to take one step at a time. I have to finish what I'm here for first. I was thinking that it would be nice to get lost in Europe for a few months after I graduate. Maybe while I was there I could rent a Vespa and ride all around, hang out in Venice, tour the Swiss Alps, visit my home-land of Scotland. Most of my friends have studied abroad, but it just wasn't in my means to do. Anyways, I'd rather just go without obligation.

Who knows what will happen. I'm going to go swimming for a little while and then take it easy for the rest of the evening. I, unfortunately, have work bright and early in the morning. Peace and love.