I stopped writing in my updated journal which I started last year. It became something horrible that I am not ashamed of enough to discard, but I had to at least discontinue writing it. But I am too thirsty to write to stop completely, so here is the secret link for you to find my new journal. I will try to be more disciplined and responsible with this journal than the ones in the past.
http://makingshelter.blogspot.com
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Thursday, September 06, 2007
The Last Page of the Chapter
The realization has begun. College is over for good. This journal that I have kept for these four odd years has served me well in maintaining an outlet for me to relieve my jumbled thoughts. I've grown up quite a bit. I'm doing adult things now that I never would have foreseen when I wrote the first word on this blog as a freshman. It's just funny to look back sometimes and remember the troubles that I faced or the joys. Everything changes and I would have forgotten a good bit of it had it not been for my habitual writing. Now granted, my composition hasn't improved very much at all. One would think that by writing so much, I would have picked up a few skills here and there, but not really. But seriously, I look back and I'm so glad that I did this. I know that not many people have kept up with it as I went along. Some came and went, but I kept writing regardless. Proof, I suppose, that I really was doing this just to sort out my mind. It's all had its ups and downs though. I recall three deaths logged in this journal. I can also remember a few exciting adventures that decided to document. My emotions are logged quite a bit too... er... as best I could them tending to be so frantic and out of control.
I don't know. I had this grand ending for this segment in my life all thought out, but then I realized, I've already started the next phase. I've just been lazy and haven't really turned the pages here in my journal. Right now I have my diploma, ink still damp, sitting behind me. I have a well paying job with great experience, benefits, and growth potential. I have a wonderful church that I'm really beginning to fall in love with, and I have a girlfriend who's male dog, I fear, is more attracted to me than she is (long story).
But as I sit here, lights flickering (for some ominous reason), I can't help but feel a little emotion welling up. I mean this is one of the few proofs that I did what I did, but as long as it is, it's still so short. I don't know what to make of it. I wonder what I will be doing in ten years, who I will know, what kind of life I will have.
Finally, I owe it all to God. As fickle as I am, He has always gathered up my broken pieces and put me back together again. I survived college and still maintained a love for Jesus while simultaneously paying attention to my professors. That doesn't happen for many people, and all those excluded would call me ignorant, but I have no need or desire to argue with them. Love is my solution now. I know I sound like a flower child, but it's true. I just want to love people, not fight them, not bicker about "the gays" not vote republican or democrat for that matter, not have bumper sticker wars with evolutionists. I just want to love people and all of the pleasure and pain that such desire involves.
This is my last journal entry that I will be posting on this site. I will continue in a new chapter on a different page. I am satisfied, happy, in love, confused, prideful, sad, bitter, controlling, artistic, mindful, selfish, considerate, hypocritical, loyal, brave, coward, lonely, angry, friendly, beautiful and ugly. I'm Nathan Crandell, and I'm all of these things.
Peace and love.
(The new journal will be published soon. I'm going to bed now so I'm not going to stay up and make it right away, but I'll post a link on this site when I'm ready)
I don't know. I had this grand ending for this segment in my life all thought out, but then I realized, I've already started the next phase. I've just been lazy and haven't really turned the pages here in my journal. Right now I have my diploma, ink still damp, sitting behind me. I have a well paying job with great experience, benefits, and growth potential. I have a wonderful church that I'm really beginning to fall in love with, and I have a girlfriend who's male dog, I fear, is more attracted to me than she is (long story).
But as I sit here, lights flickering (for some ominous reason), I can't help but feel a little emotion welling up. I mean this is one of the few proofs that I did what I did, but as long as it is, it's still so short. I don't know what to make of it. I wonder what I will be doing in ten years, who I will know, what kind of life I will have.
Finally, I owe it all to God. As fickle as I am, He has always gathered up my broken pieces and put me back together again. I survived college and still maintained a love for Jesus while simultaneously paying attention to my professors. That doesn't happen for many people, and all those excluded would call me ignorant, but I have no need or desire to argue with them. Love is my solution now. I know I sound like a flower child, but it's true. I just want to love people, not fight them, not bicker about "the gays" not vote republican or democrat for that matter, not have bumper sticker wars with evolutionists. I just want to love people and all of the pleasure and pain that such desire involves.
This is my last journal entry that I will be posting on this site. I will continue in a new chapter on a different page. I am satisfied, happy, in love, confused, prideful, sad, bitter, controlling, artistic, mindful, selfish, considerate, hypocritical, loyal, brave, coward, lonely, angry, friendly, beautiful and ugly. I'm Nathan Crandell, and I'm all of these things.
Peace and love.
(The new journal will be published soon. I'm going to bed now so I'm not going to stay up and make it right away, but I'll post a link on this site when I'm ready)
Monday, September 03, 2007
Labor Day Weekend
That was a great weekend. I would love to elaborate on every detail as to why it was such a great weekend, but I'm exhausted right now. I'm about to crash. But church yesterday was great and Linzy got back home last night and we spent a good while with each other. I guess I haven't really let any of you know yet, but Linzy is my girlfriend. We haven't been dating for very long and our meeting was pretty random, but she's fabulous and we really hit it off. See, the thing is, she doesn't hold it against me that I'm a nerd. In fact, I think that she might just like me more for being a nerd. So having said that, she's a great girl, and I could go on and on about her, but I really am about to crash right now. Peace and love.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Pride, Paralasys, and the Unknown
I'm up way later than I should be. I need to sleep, but I can't. I've got way too much on my mind. I know it's bad when I start cleaning. It's 1am and I just finished cleaning the bathroom. Short choppy sentences, also an indicator. Let me calm down a little bit and try to articulate this.
Dealing with uncertainty is and always has been one of the hardest opponents for me to face. I like to know what it is I'm getting into, and if I don't have a clue, I sit back and I do all sorts of research on the matter until I feel like I have a pretty good bead on things. It all boils down to control. Am I in control or aren't I? Is God in control? Sometimes I just get so frustrated with my need to know. It's not right, or maybe sometimes it is. But how much of my own heart can I really trust? I've never put too much stock in the whole "follow your heart" mantra, but do I not for the right reasons? Logic would convince me that following your heart with little restraint can lead you down foolish paths, but perhaps I become timid in the face of my passion because I can't control where it will take me. So I'm standing here looking down a road with very poor visibility and it drives me crazy. The desire for adventure meets my control nature, and thus, internal duality. I want to go, but the unknown changes that will happen in me as I take each step past this point... that scares the hell out of me. So it becomes a faith thing. Do I trust that the God who loves me will keep His promises? Do I really believe that? Do I believe that I know God's will well enough to even answer that question? I'm a loose cannon and, as they commonly say in epic movies, I'm either incredibly brave or incredibly foolish. But for the first time, and this is the kicker, for the first time I really don't want to know. And that's how I feel. That's why I can't sleep. This part of me effects so many different areas of my life, whether it be work, spirituality, relationships, whatever. I've been wrestling with this for a while now. I just haven't talked to anyone about it yet either because I don't think they have the time to hear it or because I'm to proud, ashamed, or untrusting. I would write it on a public journal though. Tell me if that makes any sense...
Peace and love
Dealing with uncertainty is and always has been one of the hardest opponents for me to face. I like to know what it is I'm getting into, and if I don't have a clue, I sit back and I do all sorts of research on the matter until I feel like I have a pretty good bead on things. It all boils down to control. Am I in control or aren't I? Is God in control? Sometimes I just get so frustrated with my need to know. It's not right, or maybe sometimes it is. But how much of my own heart can I really trust? I've never put too much stock in the whole "follow your heart" mantra, but do I not for the right reasons? Logic would convince me that following your heart with little restraint can lead you down foolish paths, but perhaps I become timid in the face of my passion because I can't control where it will take me. So I'm standing here looking down a road with very poor visibility and it drives me crazy. The desire for adventure meets my control nature, and thus, internal duality. I want to go, but the unknown changes that will happen in me as I take each step past this point... that scares the hell out of me. So it becomes a faith thing. Do I trust that the God who loves me will keep His promises? Do I really believe that? Do I believe that I know God's will well enough to even answer that question? I'm a loose cannon and, as they commonly say in epic movies, I'm either incredibly brave or incredibly foolish. But for the first time, and this is the kicker, for the first time I really don't want to know. And that's how I feel. That's why I can't sleep. This part of me effects so many different areas of my life, whether it be work, spirituality, relationships, whatever. I've been wrestling with this for a while now. I just haven't talked to anyone about it yet either because I don't think they have the time to hear it or because I'm to proud, ashamed, or untrusting. I would write it on a public journal though. Tell me if that makes any sense...
Peace and love
Monday, August 27, 2007
Drought
I've been playing a lot of music lately, at least a few hours every day. My fingers hurt for the first time in years as I keep mashing them up and down the neck of my guitar. My voice hurts from singing and my feet can't stop tapping out a beat. I miss my guitar. I haven't been as good to her as I should.
I'm really tired tonight even though I didn't work that hard. I need to try my best to get more sleep and drink more water. I get dehydrated so easily.
This drought is horrible. It's been steady for a few months now. And though it has rained all across the US with some regularity (I've been watching my radar), it hasn't rained here but a few times. It almost seems like when it does rain, the water never really makes it down past the tree tops. You can hear the sprinkling in the leaves, but not a drop will hit the hot cement beneath your feet. The ground is dusty and everywhere you go people are sneezing. I love sneezing, so that's not so bad, but this is too much of a good thing. I just want it to rain buckets. I want to walk out in it and soak it in.
I don't know what I'm writing about. I think I'm just going to read and go to bed. Peace and love.
I'm really tired tonight even though I didn't work that hard. I need to try my best to get more sleep and drink more water. I get dehydrated so easily.
This drought is horrible. It's been steady for a few months now. And though it has rained all across the US with some regularity (I've been watching my radar), it hasn't rained here but a few times. It almost seems like when it does rain, the water never really makes it down past the tree tops. You can hear the sprinkling in the leaves, but not a drop will hit the hot cement beneath your feet. The ground is dusty and everywhere you go people are sneezing. I love sneezing, so that's not so bad, but this is too much of a good thing. I just want it to rain buckets. I want to walk out in it and soak it in.
I don't know what I'm writing about. I think I'm just going to read and go to bed. Peace and love.
Rough Night's Sleep
I'm so confused this morning. My dreams keep disassembling everything that I'm trying to hold together. I can't sleep well at night. I'm getting ready for work now while I contemplate the cowardice of perhaps if only work is hard enough I won't have to think about the things on my mind. I shouldn't be surprised. This is only what I asked for.
At my very core I want to be an honorable man. I want to be righteous, not because I feel that the Lord will be less loving of me if I am not, but because that is where the most full fruits of life exist. It's hard sometimes. It's almost as if that is my dark secret that if anybody found out, they would like me less. But I want to be shaped into a dependable worker, a faithful husband, and a good father. I think that is the basic desire of most men, at least at one point or another. I have a lot of fears that need to be dealt with though, and they need to be dealt with this week.
I'm going to work.
Peace and love.
At my very core I want to be an honorable man. I want to be righteous, not because I feel that the Lord will be less loving of me if I am not, but because that is where the most full fruits of life exist. It's hard sometimes. It's almost as if that is my dark secret that if anybody found out, they would like me less. But I want to be shaped into a dependable worker, a faithful husband, and a good father. I think that is the basic desire of most men, at least at one point or another. I have a lot of fears that need to be dealt with though, and they need to be dealt with this week.
I'm going to work.
Peace and love.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Heart Wars and Kneeling Water Angels
Sat down a few hours ago and almost wrote out a journal that was a little too personal. I looked it over for a while and decided that sometimes we are better off when we don't tell the world our exact thoughts. In summary though, I had a rough day. Physically my job is very demanding, but today my head was swimming and busy and just messed up. I got messed up by one of my mentors. He gave me a call in response to my request and we talked for all we could, both of us being at work and all. I know he's right, and it kills me. So for the next while I'm going to be silent and still and try to wrestle with God for a bit. It'll be fine because all of my roommates are gone for the weekend (or month) and it'll give me some time just to focus.
Gotta leave work at work and home at home. I made a bunch of careless mistakes today that didn't really damage anything but the clock, and I know better.
Focus. I went to the golf course down near the old Pembroke House tonight on my bike. It's warm out, but when you're out in the open air it still feels cool and chill on your skin. I got there and I walked for a while. The moon was half out, but it was almost too bright to look at with full eyes. There were crickets and cicadas too. Probably the only place they hang out right now being that it's so dry. Humid still, but hard dry dirt. It was a stunning scene. An angel made of water sprinklers was kneeling on the green with huge wings spanning from one side of the rough to the other. The bright moon hit through the water droplet wings and set it to silver. And me? I laid down on the flat of a freshly cut down oak stump and looked up at the sky through the branches of some trees near by. It was a short conversation, but God met me there.
I knew Viking and Stuffy were somewhere at the course riding bikes. They had left earlier while I was watching a movie and I parked next to them. I figured if I bumped into them then I would, but I knew they would probably call me if they got back to the car first and saw my bike there. That's what ended up happening. Then we came back here.
Oh, and in other news, my bicycle was stolen today. Jokes on them though. The back tire was completely flat and so I guess they thought it was just out of air. No no no, the bike tire exploded quite brutally, so much to their chagrin, the pump they stole with the bike will avail them not. Oh... and if they even bother to spend the money to buy a new tube, only one gear on the bike works, and it's the hard one. In short, I'm glad they stole my bike. It's poetic justice at it's finest. They will have to work almost as hard to fix the bike as they would have had to in order to earn the money to buy a bike of greater value.
Anyways, I need some sleep now. Tomorrow is Friday and payday and the day I get to try and figure out how I will spend my weekend. I want to go fishing.
Peace and love.
Gotta leave work at work and home at home. I made a bunch of careless mistakes today that didn't really damage anything but the clock, and I know better.
Focus. I went to the golf course down near the old Pembroke House tonight on my bike. It's warm out, but when you're out in the open air it still feels cool and chill on your skin. I got there and I walked for a while. The moon was half out, but it was almost too bright to look at with full eyes. There were crickets and cicadas too. Probably the only place they hang out right now being that it's so dry. Humid still, but hard dry dirt. It was a stunning scene. An angel made of water sprinklers was kneeling on the green with huge wings spanning from one side of the rough to the other. The bright moon hit through the water droplet wings and set it to silver. And me? I laid down on the flat of a freshly cut down oak stump and looked up at the sky through the branches of some trees near by. It was a short conversation, but God met me there.
I knew Viking and Stuffy were somewhere at the course riding bikes. They had left earlier while I was watching a movie and I parked next to them. I figured if I bumped into them then I would, but I knew they would probably call me if they got back to the car first and saw my bike there. That's what ended up happening. Then we came back here.
Oh, and in other news, my bicycle was stolen today. Jokes on them though. The back tire was completely flat and so I guess they thought it was just out of air. No no no, the bike tire exploded quite brutally, so much to their chagrin, the pump they stole with the bike will avail them not. Oh... and if they even bother to spend the money to buy a new tube, only one gear on the bike works, and it's the hard one. In short, I'm glad they stole my bike. It's poetic justice at it's finest. They will have to work almost as hard to fix the bike as they would have had to in order to earn the money to buy a bike of greater value.
Anyways, I need some sleep now. Tomorrow is Friday and payday and the day I get to try and figure out how I will spend my weekend. I want to go fishing.
Peace and love.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Clear Your Head
Sometimes I get these cravings to do something completely random and adventurous for at the very least, something to write about. I can't say that what I did today was extraordinarily adventurous, but it was a start for sure. I woke up rather early and started working on my bike before I made my first long trek. I decided to go to the Natchez Trace Parkway and ride into the countryside. It was a great ride and I'm going to be doing it more often. It was just a time for me to get out of the city and clear my head. I've been thinking about a lot of different stuff lately. It's really surprising how complex we are as individuals. I can't imagine knowing someone else fully when I surprise myself all the time. Stuff stays hidden and forgotten sometimes and then all of the sudden it's back. I like it, but can I master it? I know it sounds weird. It's not a bad thing. I'm just a little nervous.
For the rest of the day all of the roommates cleaned house. I feel like we got a lot done, but that's probably because I'm used to our normal living standards. We are definitely above and beyond right now. After we finished cleaning, we cooked out and Mitch came over. I like just sitting around the grill and swapping stories. I'm pretty easy to entertain.
Food ended and I made an unpleasant discover. In my closet in my bedroom I found that when our hot water heater (which got fixed today) busted, It leaked through the wall into my closet and under my dirty cloths. So my dirty cloths were starting to stink pretty bad, meaning that I had to wash all of them tonight. Great. So the last load is in the dryer now and it's 2am. But more friends came over tonight, some that I haven't seen in a while, some that I've never met at all. It's good to run into people.
Now I'm going to bed. I'm waking up early tomorrow and singing at church. I really love it when I get to contribute my musical ability here. It's not often that I do, but it's so fun. Well... here's to another hot Sunday. I'm ready. Are you?
Peace and love.
For the rest of the day all of the roommates cleaned house. I feel like we got a lot done, but that's probably because I'm used to our normal living standards. We are definitely above and beyond right now. After we finished cleaning, we cooked out and Mitch came over. I like just sitting around the grill and swapping stories. I'm pretty easy to entertain.
Food ended and I made an unpleasant discover. In my closet in my bedroom I found that when our hot water heater (which got fixed today) busted, It leaked through the wall into my closet and under my dirty cloths. So my dirty cloths were starting to stink pretty bad, meaning that I had to wash all of them tonight. Great. So the last load is in the dryer now and it's 2am. But more friends came over tonight, some that I haven't seen in a while, some that I've never met at all. It's good to run into people.
Now I'm going to bed. I'm waking up early tomorrow and singing at church. I really love it when I get to contribute my musical ability here. It's not often that I do, but it's so fun. Well... here's to another hot Sunday. I'm ready. Are you?
Peace and love.
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