Test of Metal

I made it through the weekend, another test of my metal over open flames. I was busy from the get-go Friday morning and it all ended just a couple of hours ago. I'm pretty tired. Pretty sure I'll take full advantage of the six hours of sleep I plan on getting tonight. Tomorrow is the start of a new week that I expect to be no easier than this. I'm confident and alert.

I got a few pics in an e-mail today of the showcase I worked last night.The first one is of the spread. I told you it was a pretty big production. The second one is of the crew. I like that pic a lot, and again, all of these guys were good fun to work with. From left to right there's AP, Anthony, Paul, Me, Lil N, Chris, and Cameron the owner of the company. I was stationed as a grip at the catwalk part of the stage. That job consists of me being able to wrap cables the right way (over-under) really fast so that the (Lil N) doesn't trip over them while he's getting his shot. I also serve as a buffer zone between the crowd and the camera because he's not able to pay attention to his surroundings. It's a simple job, but fun. I didn't really expect more responsibility than that. Camera work really isn't my speciality.

Oh but again, I'm beat. I think I'll have enough energy tomorrow to finish the week off. I've been consecutively positive about everything even though I've managed to hit a few large pitfalls on the way. I'm just excited about the posibilities of tomorrow.

Oh yeah, the fraternity also sang at a nursing home today. I really enjoyed it because they enjoyed us. I really just like to minister to people with my music. I had one guy come up to me afterwards with nothing but praises. I watched him a lot while I was singing and I could really tell that a lot was going on in his mind. I must have reminded him of someone from his past.

Well, I'm out. Peace and love.

Punch Cards and Patience

And suddenly, my life became busy. For the past two weeks I've had it pretty easy. My schedule looked relatively empty so I didn't do much of anything. Many people can't stand to do nothing, but not me. I've been doing so much for so long, I really don't feel bad at all when I just sit on the couch for an undetermined amount of time and soak in the radiaton from my tube television. Ah, but work has caught up with me. It's not so much school work, so I don't really mind. I think school has finally withered to it's death in my life, which seems okay by me at the moment. Outside of school, however, has picked up quite suddenly. I'm working more shifts all of the sudden and I'm doing odd jobs and favors for people. The fraternity is also exploding with activity for these last few days.

In all of this I feel relatively positive. I get tired now and then, but my spirit is still high. Today, for instance, I worked the Best of the Best showcase at Belmont. It's a huge concert comprable to that of any large stadium filler, and I was on video crew. My legs hurt because I was pretty much on my feet the entire day, but I enjoy working with that crew. They're great guys. The experience isn't bad either. You can learn a lot in that atmosphere, especially why wireless clearcom doesn't work when the audio crew decided to use all wireless in-ear monitors and wireless mics. There were so many frequencies flying around in that room, there were bound to be some problems. But over all, we did a really good job. It isn't often that people will come up to a production personel after a show and thank them for the job they did. That honor mostly goes to the band. But I got several "good jobs" out of several people.

Tomorrow is another busy day. I have to be at church at 7:30 to run sound, I'll be going to the nursing home to sing later in the day, then I'll be going on a field trip to pick up a piano that we, the fraternity, will be destroying for a fundraiser on Monday.

The only thing that really bothers me about being this busy is knowing what I'm doing and when I'm doing it. I don't like knowing what I'm going to be doing every second of my day, several days in advance. I don't know if I'll ever get used to that.

Oh, and I've got a few new ideas brewing in my mind. I'm not going to announce anything until I've got my thoughts into a more concrete medium, but that shouldn't take too long.

Peace and love.

Will Work for Food

I need to be looking for a job right now. I'm pretty much wound down with classes for the rest of the year. All I really have left is a decent performance on my finals and then I'm done. After that, I've got plenty to do, but none of it requires that I go to class, which will be a refreshing change in pace. I'm sure I'll miss class eventually, but for the time being, I'm quite greatful to be leaving it behind.

Making money is the new agenda. I need a decent job to help pay the bills, preferably something that pertains to my major. I feel a lack of confidence though. I don't feel like I'm hireable, at least in Nashville. I really would like to go on tour as a sound guy for a while, being that I am young and not married. I don't even know where to begin though. I don't really know anyone in the live sound industry, which is bad. In Nashville nobody gets anywhere who doesn't know someone else that's already there. I might just have to settle for a temp job with some label or publishing company. I'll do their dishes and maybe every once-in-a-while get to look at their sound operations. Then I might be able to work my way up the ladder.

Who knows. I really have more to figure out than just this. I need some sleep for sure though. I'm going to be busy for pretty much the rest of the weekend. Non stop. Peace and love.

Not Yet but Soon

Classes are really winding down right now and I'm really excited about that. I've been holding on by the skin of my teeth all semester and now it's almost over. I don't know how to feel exactly. I know I'm going to have to change my entire way of thinking. My mind won't be so divided anymore which might be a good thing, or maybe not. I'm excited to find out either way. All in all, that's really how I feel right now. Excited. I don't know what's going to happen to me and I'm anxious. I've always loved adventure and uncertainty to an extent. I don't like letting go of the things I love though. It's a paradox because adventure almost certainly requires that you give up something you love. So the question still haunts me as to where I want to go. Do I want to leave? I don't know. If I stayed where would I work? I dont' know that either. Certainly I wouldn't want to work at the hotel. I would want to use my degree. What I do know is this. Many of my questions will need answers in a very short amount of time.

Yesterday I went to hear Mitch sing in a chamber singers concert. It was amazing. I wish I could go every day. While they sang I just closed my eyes and bathed in each note as they bounced off of the cathedral walls. The cathedral was incredible. I had never really been in one before. I used to think they were just gaudy and unnecessary, but now I understand the significance. Just being in the room inspired reverence, a state of conduct that is rarely practiced in this day and age.

Right now I'm in a transitional state. I feel like I'm standing at the door of motivation, like I'm about to stumble upon something that I can put my passions behind and really put forth effort. Probably a great deal of that has to do with graduation. I know I still have one class this summer to take before I am truly free, but it's sociology, a gen ed class that I really don't consider to have much baring on my degree, so I consider myself to be graduated. It's not like the class is going to tax my thoughts a great deal this summer. But I look forward to having initiative again. I know that I have so much more potential than what I currently put out. I've just always felt too divided among things that held no value to me. I don't really care about some of my classes, I'm not ultra excited about running cars, all of it together tends to limit me. It all costs energy.

So from here out, I don't know what's going to happen, but I know I'm going to do what it takes to walk down the path that God has marked out for me. And beyond that, I'm looking forward to stretching out to my full potential. I want to see what it is I'm made of.

Peace and love.

Feeling the Sun

For a while now life has been cloudy, but it's funny how sudden and unexpectedly God can shoot a beam of light through the clouds. I'm up way later than I should be, otherwise I would write more, but things are going well. I feel almost 100% better and life is gettin good. Peace and love

High Steaks

Yesterday was not fun at all... I ended up having to go to the hospital because of food poisoning. I was throwing up from about 1am-12:30 pm every hour on the hour. By about four I had gotten up all of the steak that made me sick and from that point on, I dryheaved and/or threw up stomach acid. When I got to the hospital, they whisked me through triage and put me in the ER. It didn't take long for them to get an IV in me so that they could get me rehydrated. They also gave me a dose of anti-nausia medicine, and morphene. The morphene made me really gorggy and I slept most of the day because of it, but they ended up letting me go at around 9pm. When I got home I took a long hot shower and then went to bed. It was really hard to sleep as my morphene started to ware off. All of the medication had a strange effect on my mind. I had this really stressful dream about stocks and bonds and finances. I can't explain it other than it was a constant feeling of being in over my head and no matter how many times I woke up, I would go right back into the dream if I tried to sleep again. Right now I'm suffering from a wicked hangover. My entire body is soar from throwing up so harshly, especially my chest and diaphragm. My head is killing me too, and I'm not quite mentally 100%. I can't even see straight yet, but I'm going to try to go to classes anyways.

Butterflies and Taxes

I just had a startling thought. I wonder how much bad food I've eaten in this house. I must be completely honest. A house full of a bunch of guys isn't very well suited at keeping an eye on what's fresh and what is bad. I mean there are things in that fridge that have been in there since we moved in. It's not so much that we want to get sick, it's just that cleaning out the fridge hasn't found its way to the top of the priority list in a long time.

But today. What about today? Well it was an interesting day full of firsts, and they were all seemingly very precisely interconnected... and I don't know how to explain it other than my failure to fill out taxes led me to a free opera ticket which led me to befriend an intersting girl completely at random both of which lead to me filling out my taxes much later in the night than i had anticipated, but alas, I do believe I get a refund from the government. What bad happened today, you ask? None good peoples. None.

As for the rest of the week? I did just find out that I have two physics test this week and my project in maintenance has to work by one o'clock tomorrow... uh... yeah.

Here's to finishing classes, a strange sense of confidence, and a horribly filthy house!

Peace and love.

High Point Easter and B-Day

I've been home for a few days, Easter break and all, and I realized that I haven't written in my journal in a long time. I left on Wednesday mid-afternoon for the long drive. I generally stop in Ashville whenever I can just to split things up, which is what I did. Andy was having rehersal with his band and it was really inspiring to be around such a creative circle. We were bouncing ideas back and forth off of eachother and I enjoyed just watching as they practiced. Later that night I fell asleep on Andy's "couch" (which is really the back seat of a minivan propped up against their wall) and I had a pretty difficult night's sleep. When I woke up, I stole Andy's bed because he and Kevin were on the way to play in Chapel. It wasn't but ten minutes later, though, that Andy was shaking my shoulder to wake me up. Turned out that their guitar player got sick and he was wondering if I could fill in with just two minutes to spare. I agreed (because I've done crazier things), threw on a shirt and a pair of pants, watered my face up, and got down to the Chapel. As soon as I got in the room, I picked up a guitar and started playing. It was a lot of fun and I did well enough I suppose. I met a lot of interesting people anyways.

When I got home I spent a lot of time with friends and family. I brought in my 23rd birthday with the visitation of my nephew Josiah. He's a bit of a porker right now, but he's going to be sturdy. He already shows signs of a champion. Easter day was good too. I went to church and saw lots of friends, went to my relatives house to see family and then went and had hotwings with the guys. I've eaten a lot.

Church was interesting though. I saw my ex-girlfriend from a distance. We always see eachother from afar on holidays, but we don't speak to eachother anymore. It's not that I don't want to, but it's the best thing. It was funny also to think about how she and I don't really know eachother anymore. What would we say, even if we did speak? I don't know. That part of my life's past will always be a mystery to me. It was the first time I really learned a woman's true power over a man... only... we both lacked maturity and wisdom and that usually just equates to a big mess. I suppose I still don't regret it though. I mean it changed my perspective on life a great deal, both positive and negative, but along those lines, I learned some valuable lessons.

I'm not going to class tomorrow. I think it's dumb that Belmont makes students have to travel back to school on Easter Day, and being that my motivation to go is already at an all-time low on it's own, I just don't feel like following through. Class will have to miss me tomorrow. The drive will not, however. I'll be on the long trek as soon as I wake up. Wish me luck.

Peace and love.

Just a Few More Weeks

I'm going home tomorrow. It'll be good for me. I didn't really get much of a spring break and the last thime I was home, it wasn't really for fun occasions. I'm pretty caught up on my workload right now, but things are shakey in relationship life. Things were great for three years here. I complained here and there about stupid stuff, but mostly just annoyances more than anything. Now, on the last semester, things get blown to hell because of... well... God knows I just want to tell everybody, but I can't. I still hold hope that things are salvageable. I'm not sure if proximity is the only thing keeping things together or the only thing causing the rash. I just want change. I HATE being stagnant. I HATE it when things just stay the same without change. That's one of my blessings and it's also a curse. I've burned many bridges because of my ill appreciation of stagnance, but I've also opened up a great many opportunity at the same time.

But when I go home, I'll have plenty of time to think about what I value. I'll have more free time in general from now on. I just finished my Economics class and I just ended my term as president of the fraternity tonight. Those are two less responsibilities that I'll have to worry about.

Ah but just pray that someone doesn't come along and push me. I've been handling my adversity so well lately, but I feel thin, like I'll blow up in the next face of the person who gives me good enough excuse. I guess I can't think of too many scenerios where I would blow up, but there are definitely a few.

Peace and love.

Ranting

I'm still pretty stressed out right now, but I'm trying to think positive which is becoming a chore in itself. The activities that have been keeping me level are as follows:
-classical music at night
-my open window next to my bed
-my awesome fan
-chess
-reading
-ultimate frisbee
-warm sunny days
-capri sun
-quiet time

My heart is in desperate trial for some sort of break in the clouds. I don't do very well when I am this busy. I become numb to the world and I sink into myself. I really want to complete the tasks at hand, to have the motivation to do it, but I'm just so split up between everything that I can't seem to find enough quantity to get the job done.

I'm being repetative, journal wise. I need to either say something new and profound or nothing at all. Peace and love.

Up the Mountain

Go, go, you can do it, just keep going. Don't stop and think about it, just mindlessly put one foot in front of the other until you get to the end. I remember several years ago in Guatemala, Brian and I wanted to race up the mountain to the village we were going to. It was close to a six mile hike up and the temperature was pushing a conservative 100+, but we saw a challenge and we wanted to face it. It's easy to take a challenge when looking at the top of the mountain from the bottom. You're looking at it and you're feeling fresh. You aren't fatigued in any way and because of this all you can think about is how there's no way you can fail. You set off in high spirits and high pace, enjoying the scenery and making reflective conversation. It's nature, how can you not be reflective? The minutes push on and the rocks get bigger, the slope grades get higher, the sun gets hotter. These mountains are the desert. Your bottle of water is warming up to the point where you would be just as well off to mix some coffee grounds in and serve it up with cream and sugar. You don't let your pace down though. That would be giving in. Then comes the phase where you start trying to put the length of road into a time frame, only you aren't wearing a watch, nor do you know exactly how long you have to go. It's just up for as long as the road carries. It's the will that gets you there when you don't know the end. It's hope and it's endurance, the motive of having something to prove to yourself pushes you from behind. Most of the conversation has stopped at this point, but you keep on marching with just as much ferver. Your feet get soar and the sweat drips into your eyes and stings a little, but the slight breeze feels better the higher you get. Occasionally you come to an overpass and look out and thigns are suddenly put into perspective. The vastness and the hight of your ascent. It makes you feel big, and you would almost be comfortable to just stop here if it weren't for the knowing that up the road is a higher view and a cooler breeze. More and more tired you become, but you're almost there. For some reason that only makes the desire to give up stronger. I've never understood that. Suddenly little huts start popping up and livestock. Children playing soccer on a dusty pad ontop of the mountian have a goal made of two metal bars set. The keeper has his chore cut out for him because if he misses, it's a long way down to get that ball back. The kids stop and soon everyone immerges from their little plots of land to see the white strangers, but they're happy to receive their guests. Lemonaid... or whatever it was. We weren't suppose to drink the water even if it was fresh squeeze lemonaid, but not only would it have been rude to refuse, but it was cool and we were hot. The results of our decision meant nothing over the opportunity to receive such a blessing.

Everything about that hike was exactly what life is like. Everything about that hike was exactly what college is like. I'm nearing the end and all I can think about is fighting off the temptations of giving up. I've come so far and it's starting to get cooler and I can see signs of life to come, but I'm so tired. I'm so tired.

Peace and love.

Injuries

Should have worked on some homework tonight, but I didn't. I need to stop watching tv. I was going to play ultimate frisbee at vanderbilt tonight, but I've injured my foot. It happened a few weeks ago and it still hurts. I think I might have a hair-lined fracture on that bone that connects my big toe to my ankle. I need to stay off of it for a while but I have a few games to play this week. Maybe I can just take it easy when I play, but at the same time, I don't want to get in anyone's way. I always get caught up in the moment of the competition. I feel like if I don't give 110% I'm just going to be in the way so I just push it out and bare the pain. Then I end up hurt again.

Well, I have to cut this short. The guys need to restart the internet router cuz the fellas upstairs can't get any signal from the wireless.

Peace and love.

New Songs

I've loaded two new songs up on my Myspace account. Check em out if you want. I have three as of yet, but I'm not sure if I'm done with the other one. These two I'm pretty much at a stand still with though. Hope you enjoy.

BTW the link to the site is on the right-hand side of the screen. It's called "My Music" if you haven't figured that out already. Peace and love.

Before the Jump

The weekend is over. Not much of a weekend for me. I still have classes all day on Saturday, but only one more week of that and I'll be done. I'll hopefully be taking up more hours with work when I'm done. It's been pretty hard surviving on a day a week less income. I'm glad for all of these experiences though. It really teaches you to appreciate the value of a dollar.

As far as classes are concerned, times have been better. I'm still struggling with motivation. I feel so concentrated on my job opportunities that it's hard for me to pay attention at all in my classes. I'm struggling with things that I should be finding pretty simple.

Now I have a few plans as to how I can pick myself up again. First off, I'll be trying to go to the park whenever the weather is nice enough just so I can sit and study without distractions like TV and the internet. Second, I'm going to be keeping more busy. I find that whenever I have free time I tend to slack off beyond recoverability. I need to find more quiet time to study and concentrate rather than bask in the cold glow of the television.

I've been thinking a lot about the future, about picking myself up and moving again. I have more peace about it than before. It has been mind blowing how rapidly doors have been closing left and right here. I'm excited to try myself out in a new setting. I'm excited to see what I'm worth. Here, things are coming to a quick close. I'm trying to keep any more negative situations from rising up. I want to leave with good memories. I want my dominating thoughts here to be good ones. It's getting harder though. Things happen that I don't like and I find myself restraining from any action which is against my nature. But perhaps it is good that I spend some time exercising restraint. It can only lead to clarity of mind in the midst of future adversity.

It's getting to be that time of year again. I generally take a huge survey on what I've become in recent time. It's like a soulful census. As always, I'm both proud and ashamed. There are certain traits about me that I've taken on that are positive, and others that are negative. It's a huge transitional phase in life again though. So do I think I can pull through?

I do. I know there are things about me that I'm going to have to adjust. I'm glad to do it. I don't find anything wrong with making slight accomidations. If anything I've learned in college it's that in social settings, we really aren't much more than what other people preceive us to be. The difference between college and high school though, is that I know now that I have a say in that perception. Before, I felt like nothing more than what other people expected of me. I was a pleaser. I did whatever was in my power to make everyone around me happy. When I came here three years ago, I was the only person I knew. That means that I had no one around me to define me, so I was about to learn what I perceived myself to be. What is a chameleon's true color? It's been an interesting ride and I know myself a great deal better. My weaknesses are identified and my faith feels more real.

I feel sturdy now. I still try to be pleasant around other people. Again, I think it's fine to make accomidations, but not always. You have to KNOW what you believe and who you are to make a worthwhile stand on any subject matter. You have to know those things to lead as well. I feel imperfect, but I feel satisfiably dissatisfied in that knowledge.

I'm ready to turn 23. I'm ready for whatever that means. I don't think I'm quite to the point yet to where I would start denying my age, but I'm feeling a few more aches and pains that I didn't before. I'm getting older and I'm still positive about it is what I'm trying to say. I'm overanxious though. I just want to move on. It's those few moments of contemplation, doubt, and confidence that fill ones thoughts just before they jump out of an airplane over a battlefield. I'm there right now and I've convinced myself to face the casualties of war for the sake of progression.

Peace and love.

A Day of Celibration

Who would have thought that on the day of my 500th post I would also be an uncle. That's right! Josiah Thompson was born today to Grace and Josh Thompson at 9lbs 7oz and 22 inches. That's a big boy! Grace had some complications during birth, but they performed surgery on her and she seems to be doing well, though I haven't talked to her yet. I did talk to Josh and I could tell there was a lot going on in his mind. He does a great deal better at communicating with a busy mind than I do. I'm really excited, though I won't get to see the baby until over Easter.

I'm contemplative right now, this being such a huge milestone and all. 500 posts isn't 500 words or even 500 pages. I've probably got close to over a thousand pages typed by now! But I've been thinking about when I started up until now and what's going to happen in a few months. I'm nervous and excited and all of those great things. I'm sad that I have to pick up and leave, but I'm getting ready all the same. I'm looking at several different job opportunities and I'm considering what I'll do with salary pay. That's exciting.

I'm also frustrated. My mind feels so full of information I just don't think I can learn anything anymore. Maybe it's because I'm taking almost 25 hours of classes a week this month. That's a sure burnout if you ask me.

I would make this journal longer, but I'm working on a new song as well and I'm listening to it right now and it seems like it needs a little bit more work. I'll try to get em posted in a few days if I like where they go.

Peace and love.

Future Contemplation

So it turns out that I survived the week. It was a rough one, but it's over. I'm glad it's over. This week I don't really have much of an idea as to what is going on. I'm glad. I really don't like knowing what I'm going to do all of the time. I'm sick right now though. It might be food poisoning or horrible horrible allergies, but my stomach is really complaining pretty loudly about something.

Friday night in class I got caught off guard. My professor asked me what my dream job would be. I sat there... and sat... and sat some more. I had a puzzled look on my face, that kind of face that you make when you mentally leave the room in order to retrieve something important. I couldn't think of anything. I was disappointed in myself and a little surprised. I lost my dreams. Everyone was looking at me like they were surprised too. I'm the kind of person who should have a dream. I have the ambition and the charisma to achieve anything I put my mind to. I should have a dream. I don't though. I've never been able to find one. It feels like I'm going to end up the guy who "settles" for what he can do well. I guess no one grows up wishing they could be a paper-pusher or a desk jockey. They might have had dreams or they might not have, either way they settled for what they knew they could do instead of reaching for something uncertain and more beautiful.

I'm a romantic at heart. That means that I have a passion for every part of my life to be larger than life. I'm a visionary who walks into a room and sees the things that could be made better and works hard to make it happen. But it's one step at a time. I've never looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Years from now I'd like to be _____."

I'm also a strategist. I think in terms of taking action while minimalizing risk. It's not a scientific train of though really, but more of a sensing, on-the-fly judgement. I think my lack of long term planning is a result of my feeling of confinement in doing so. Parallel to this is my lack of commitment to one thing. What if I find something better but I've already made a commitment to this other thing? Strategic thinkers are opportunists and find it hard to be tied to one train of thought.

In relationships I think that such a line of thinking is bunk. You might just be able to, and in all probability you will find someone "better" if you look/wait long enough, but what about time? I think it's best to find someone who you can grow with, realizing their faults but failing to see them. You see that person as the best because of this insane emotion called love that teaches you to unite with others through the honesty of yours and their weaknesses.

After giving this some thought, maybe I'm the kind of guy who doesn't really need a dream. Mitch told me that he and I would never have to worry about success after college because we're both men of action. It's a rarity these days. More and more college students, upon graduation, bounce from restaraunt to restaurant instead of using their education. I will do something and more than likely it will end up being big. I didn't come to college with the intent on becoming an RA, a member of the Community Conduct Board, or a president of a fraternity. I merely was given the opportunity.

Well, I'm ready to get to the week. I've done a little sorting and I'm feelin good. Peace and love.

Still Not Much to Say

Arg... This week is almost over, and tomorrow is the turn of tides. I'm so stressed out right now! I've got a physics exam, a macro economics exam, and a benefit concert to throw together and coordinate all tomorrow. Then on Saturday I have a class to go to from 9-5 and when I get home there's going to be a huge party. I'm not a fan of huge parties.

I just want to go to a lake or something and sit for a while, maybe read a book that I actually want to read instead of assigned text. I want to write more music and record. I want to do some heavy work and try to get more resume's out so that I'll have more work options after graduation. I want all of these things, but deep down I know that even if I had them I wouldn't find the satisfaction. I know deep down what I must do, but I'm so easily distracted. Maybe I'll wake up early in the morning to get set off on the right foot. Peace and love.

Yammer

I'm trying my best to pick things up a bit before the semester ends. It's so heavy and I have to keep reminding myself that it's almost over. I'll finally be able to narrow down my train of thought a little bit. I'm feeling pretty burned out still. I've got projects and tests and all sorts of obligations to tend to this week and next. Only a few more weeks. It'll go by fast.

I wrote a new song last night and recorded it today. I'm not done with it completely, but I like it. I haven't really even named it yet, but I'm waiting until I get everything finished.

I don't know why I'm writing. My head isn't completely in this right now. I'm just yammering on... I have work in the morning. Peace and love.

Park Day

I attacked it head-on today. I had the opportunity to allow myself to feel swamped, but I didn't take it. Instead of laying around and doing nothing, I went to the park, bunkered down, and did homework for several hours with Natalie who joined me about two hours into it. It was just an all-around beautiful day. I think I could work much better if I just went to the park on days where I had nothing going on and I sat and soaked it all in.

Well then... I have work in the morning.

Peace and love.

Friend Conversation Part I: The Casual Friend

Parties are a good thing, but I'm finding myself in a different corner of the room these days. I was thinking about it tonight at a party I went to at a church that I didn't regularly attent. Everybody was having a great time, and that was awesome, but I feel different about parties. I don't know if I just don't like them anymore, or what my reasoning may be, but I'm going to hash it out on paper right now and try to figure it out.

From middle school through high school, I was always trying to be the center of attention. I was planning parties and over time I learned how to do it well and get people involved. When I got to college, I just stopped. I didn't want to go to parties anymore or meet people in large quantities. I think some of my reasoning might be related to acceptance. I don't care about being accepted anymore. I've moved to a higher level on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. All I want now is substance. I want to be around a few set people I'm close to who I feel confident that we can either A.) Have substantial conversation, or B.) Just relax and do whatever without feeling like we have to get to know eachother at a surface level. I might be a jerk or something, but I just don't feel like getting to know new people anymore. I don't feel the need to because I am content with the people I do know and am friends with.

(I start getting really cynical after this point... so if you're in a good mood, just warning ya.)

The substance part is really important to me. I think it always has been. If I'm friends with someone for an extended period of time and I can't seem to have a worthwhile conversation with them about the deeper values of their heart and their philosophy on life, I tend to hold them at a distance. They remain at a level known as "casual friend". I'll write the next few journals on levels of friendship and how I preceive them, especially by conversation. This is the conversation I might expect to have with a casual friend.

-"Hey, how's it goin?"
-"Oh, pretty good. You?"
-"Doin good."
(This part of the conversation is a bold faced lie, but very few people know a better way to break the ice with a casual friend or just an acquaintance. The topics of conversation are strikingly similar between the two. A conversation started out like this might not be intended to, but does indeed scream "I'm not interested in what's going on in your life, but I figured it would be socially crippling for me to just outright snub you." In my case, and yes I do admit my faults here, I might start a conversation like this because I don't feel like doing the investigative conversational work to figure out what's really going on inside the other person's needs/wants list, or perhaps I'm just in a daze, not in the same room with you mentally. Anyways, let's continue.)

-"So... what's goin on with you?"

(Here's the dropline. This is make or break time. When this question is asked the inquisitor is usually opening up to get a little more in depth with the conversation, but they're leaving it up to what you dish out. Are you going to get really serious with them or are you scared to hell of actually baring yourself to someone else? It honestly might be a legitimately based trust issue or maybe just paranoia on your part, either way, you're still the determinate as to the direction of depth in conversation if asked this question.)

-"Not too much, just _____"

(Insert lame broad task that makes you seem as generic and boring as possible so that the other person will catch the hint and draw the conversation to a close because you're obviously not interested in talking right now. You're too busy or, perhaps, untrusting to be relational. The conversation can, however, be redeemed if the inquisitioned inquires the inquirer ((?))...)

-"What about you?"

(Hmmm... maybe they are interested in you but they don't feel like what's going on in their life is worth talking about, or maybe it's still a trust issue... who knows. Let's find out. We'll test it out by sharing something deeper than expected... What happens?)

-"Wow, sounds _____ ...."

(Nope, they're not interested, they're just culturally programmed to be shallowly curtious, but aren't we all? So take it with a grain of salt and end the conversation.)

-"Well, it was good to see you. Have a good one."

(It's good to end the conversation with "Have a good one." It's pretty much the most generic thing you can say and they can interprate it however they want, so it can't go wrong.)

Again, this is a common conversation with a casual friend. Casual friends can be categorized simply as people you know whom you are not enemies with. The casual friend precedes the midline friend. Most of us understand, though, that such a conversation can occur with any catagory of person including begrudged enemies, but it's frequency is the important thing. If you know people who you only reach this level of depth in conversation with, chances are they're a casual friend.

Sorry for being so cynical.

Peace and love.