Just as I Left It

The drive was a long one today, but the weather was pleasant atleast for the majority of the journey. Once I hit Ashville the clouds began to pile up and I thought it was going to rain, but instead it started to snow. If you've ever been through the Ashville area, snow isn't exactly considerable as "pretty" driving scenery, but I made it through alive, so that's cool. I got really antsy while I was driving though, which isn't normal for me. Usually driving helps me focus and stay in a calm state of mind, but today it was different. I mean, I am excited to get back and catch up with my friends, but I don't think that has so much to do with it. It could have been all of the state troopers parked all over the road stopping people left and right. I mean I really like that new driver's license I got today, but I didn't really feel like showing it to them... But the drive did cycle me through quite a bit of music, which is always nice. Oh, and speaking of driver's licenses, I did go to the DMV this morning to get an updated one, and they really were jerks to everybody, so from what I can tell, the stereotypes are pretty accurate. I think it would be nice if all of the professions that are filled with stereotypical jerks were put on a list and people would go down that list and do something outstandingly nice for them.

Back to the story though. Another thing I noticed on the drive was my constant identifying of all the birds flying in the air. I saw so many doves and I really just wanted to grab a shotgun and bring a few of them to justice (and by "justice" i mean my dinner plate), but there will be no hunting for me for quite some time.

But I arrived in Nashville, back to all of the lovely traffic and city life, at about 6pm central time. I'm glad to be back and I have a peace about the upcoming semester. But when I got back, all the guys that were here met up and we went out to Sir Pizza. That's where we go pretty much every Sunday. Cubbs, Burly, and Viking were there. It was a somber mood though. Chubbs just found out that he might get layed off because the recording studio just got bought out and the new owners might cut his job to save a few bucks. I don't see how they think one guy can run that entire place, but hopefully some sense come to them because that is Chubbs' dream job. He loves that place and has worked so hard, too hard for them to just up and shaft him like that.

So I guess I'll sleep in tomorrow and when I wake, I'll see what doing there is to be done. The other guys should be getting back in the later afternoon, and we'll all have alot of stories to tell I'm sure. Right now I'm listening to Hem's album Rabbit Songs. It's about as country as I can tolerate, but I love it... Well... it's more like jazzy bluesy country... Her voice is so beautiful.

I'm going to get some sleep. Peace and love.

This Morning's Hunt

A Few Days in the South

Well, I went home from the beach and met up with Matt on the same day. He drove up to help the band out with worship on Sunday and I gotta say it was the best I have ever seen at our church. After that we got to talking and he showed me his hunting license and said that he was dying to go. I expressed the same desire and the idea came about that I should go down to his place and we should go hunting. Well... I love being spontaneous, so the next day I hopped in the car.

And here I am, in South Carolina on Matt's computer. He's behind me trying to beat Final Fantasy VII, but he's got quite a ways to go. He's at that part in Junan fighting the boss righ before he gets to get on the submarine.

We did fire guns today... for most of the day. First we started off shooting skeet to warm ourselves up. I didn't do that great being that the last time I fired a gun was over spring break of last year, but by the end I was hitting more than I started off doing. So then we broke off for lunch and then went out to check and see where the hunt was going to be before we went to get my license. We found a pretty nifty corn field full of birds, so we went to get the license, Matt and I got these stellar camo shirts, and we went back to hunt. When we got there, the birds were still there so we split up and created a parimeter. Jake and Mr. Singleton flanked on the right side, and Matt and I headed off for the left all around this huge cell phone tower. We heard several shots fired and the birds scattered from the trees and started to head just beyond our direction. One, however, broke off from the flock and came just close enough for me to take a shot, so I did. It droped like a brick with just one shot fired, and I went to check the body. ... It wasn't a dove... no, it was much worse than that. I killed a woodpecker. I felt sorta bad because I've always admired woodpeckers, but he didn't feel anything. I shot him through the head, so he died instantly. After that, we waited for them to come back, but they never did, so we left at dusk.

Matt and I are going to wake up early in the morning to go again, hopefully with better luck. If not, Mr. Singleton did manage to kill four, so we will probably just clean those and eat them tomorrow night. Oh yeah, I'm using a Banelli 20 gage semi-automatic shotgun. Matt is using a pump action shot gun. I like guns, I like the outdoors, and I pretty much like hunting. It's exciting when you're shooting at something, but if you can enjoy nature, it is very peacefull when you're not. Maybe I'll have pictures by tomorrow. Peace and love.

Sunset on the Dock

I don't have much time to talk right now. I'm at a hotel in Morehead City and they have a 30 minute guest time limit. Why am I here? I've been working on a job with my dad down here for the past two days. We are installing a floor on a beach cottage just off of the sound. Behind the small one story house is a 500 foot dock with an amazing view. For the past two nights I have seen the most amazing sunsets from that dock. If you could close your eyes and immagine two shorelines streatching out in front of you like arms streatching to the sky but the hands don't quite connect. Between the hands is the ocean, and just above that, the setting sun. The whispy clouds are painted gold and red and orange and green as the sun lowers into the outstreatched hands. The water is painted a glassy color whith random birds scattered about. Those are the kinds of sunsets I've been seeing for the past few days. They're the kind that make you think about life, where you've been, and where you are going. They're the kind that push you into the presence of God as if to say, "This is the closest to heaven you will ever be while still out of the grave." So here are my thoughts.

I've been out of control a few times, which is generally healthy. I've been involved in situations that haven't exactly had "tv endings". That is also healthy. It's a casual reminder that life doesn't work the way we want it to all the time... not even some of the time... mostly it just works on its own. But what can I say about that sunset and the music I was listening to at the time? I have made close friends with Sufjan Stevens during the past few days. His music is truly inspiring and beautiful.

I haven't written much over break though... partly because I don't have the internet at home, but that doesn't mean that nothing has happened. I feel a little more like sharing about myself unlike the last journal. Someone asked me why I do it, and that got me to thinking... I suppose it's because I don't have much shame for who I am. I know I'm messed up, but in my world, acknowledging the existence of mistakes and ugly only makes beauty that much more beautiful. I don't feel like covering things up (unless it infringes upon someone else's personal space) is necessary.

But if one thing I have come to see over this break is that maybe I could do something wiht my music. Lots of people have enjoyed my latest stuff, and I'm seriously thinking about kicking it into overdrive and throwing it out there. I've never been the one to seek fame, but I do seek adventure.

So what can I say for the way I feel now? I feel pretty stressed out. You ever think "What if I missed out on a sweet friendship with someone over greed?" I'm thinkin that right now. It's all in the other person's court though, and I'll probably get what I deserve, which is nothing but a lesson well learned. Things don't work like they do on tv folks.

For the rest of the break I'm going to relax, get some small stuff done, maybe write some new music, give up control and get my motives straight before I start the next semester. I promise that one of these days my head will fit on straight, but until then... have a wonderful day. Peace and love.

I had a journal written out and almost posted. It was long and deep, but then I thought "I'm really tired of revealing myself to strangers right now."

Rain, No Snow

Well, here I am, still as anxious as last night. I couldn't sleep for hours, so I watched a movie. At three in the morning, when the movie was over, I was still too unsettled to sleep, so I had to just lay in bed for a while until I was tired enough. The funny thing is, I had a dream that I woke up and looked out my window and saw that it was snowing, but when I did actually wake up I went to my window just like I did in my dream, it was only raining. I like cold rain about as much as I like math...

Today I felt no better than last night. I felt driven but confined at the same time. Not sure what that's about. Maybe it's exams? Maybe it's not something but someone? I wish I knew because I would deal with it, but this is something beyond my control. Speaking of which, I'm hungry, and I can't do anything about it right now because it is late and I have no food in my room. Booo. I'm watching another movie though. Maybe I'll go to bed earlier tonight, who knows. What I do know is that it will be harder to know what to do tomorrow than today. I atleast had one class today to bide my time, but tomorrow I have nothing. I could do laundry I suppose. Maybe I'll study some before Monday. I could even read if that's what it comes down to. Reguardless, I've gotta get out of this weather and these situations that have come upon me. I'll see what I can work out in the morning. Peace and love.

Santa Claus vs. The Dark Ninja

Today was the fight of fights. Today, the Dark Ninja challenged Santa Claus to a fight and was defeated. I gotta say, it was alot of fun. I was a bit nervous about climbing that tree because I was in socks and it was a long drop to hard cement if I fell, but alas, I maintained balance and grip. I think it turned out really well, and we got it on tape so we can watch it for years to come, but it was by far surpassed the Viking/Easter Bunny fight last year in complexity. Attendance was a little lower, but everyone who came out really enjoyed the show, and that's all that matters to me.

The rest of the day went by nicely, though the fight wore me out pretty good. I took Matt with me to Playground to help with a session set up, and he got to meet Jimmy, my boss. When time came to set everything up, we did it and we did it quickly and flawlessly. Jimmy was so impressed, he gave Matt a company t-shirt. We got nothing but compliments from the staff and the musicians, and even the Head Engineer gave us a compliment, and he's not one to hand out compliments often. I felt really good about that. Makes me think that my education isn't going to waste.

After that, I played pool with Matt and then took a nap. When I woke up, we all went out to dinner, and here I am now, sitting satisfied. I'm anxious though, and again, I can't quite place it. It also hasn't helped that I've not been able to relax at all in the past few days. I have a constant feeling like I should be doing something, and I just can't sit back. I'm also worried about one of my friends who has been sick for a while. It's that sort of helpless worry you get when you know there's something wrong, yet there's nothing you can do to lighten the load. I hate that... Now that I think about it, you know what my problem is? It's my "do it all" mentality. I'm guilty of never asking for help for anything. I see everything as a challenge, and if I can't do it myself, I see it as a failure. I still haven't learned to let others lend a hand. I think I just carry so much weight, that eventually I break down and have to take time to regroup. Maybe I'm on the verge of that now. Maybe I need to learn how to let other people "in" a little bit more. That's easily said, but where does a guy like me start? Whatever... I'm going a bit too far for public reading material.

I'm looking forward to a possible snow tonight though. I might just go out and watch a little bit of it fall before I sleep, but I'm not positive if it's coming. Nothing is falling as of now atleast... ahhh, but I can still hope can't I?

Hmmm... I need to write a song now. Peace and love.

Learn This Well

Just when you think you've got it all in consideration, that's the first indicator that you're missing something. Peace and love.

Sharp and Dull

I'm experiencing a clarity presently that I've never really experienced before. Maybe it's just been the subject matter I've discussed with different friends over the weekend, or maybe I've hit a maturity growth spurt. Either way, I feel different.

This weekend I pulled more studio time than ever, but it is the last of it. I participated in a grand total of four studio sessions. That adds up to about 16 hours of studio time in three days. To put that in to perspective, If you were to grow up in studio time instead of world time, you would probably only live to age seven. Your hair would gray at birth, you would have serious stress problems, and you would have whitnessed the failure or more equipment than most people could afford. Needless to say, I'm pretty tired right now.

But I can't slack off now. I have to finish this semester strong. I have lots to do tomorrow, some of which I added to my own plate, but most of which I don't really mind doing. I figure once I'm done with accounting, everything else will slip by with ease and I'll have more time to be playful.

I suppose I should elaborate on my clarity a bit. It all started last night when I was talking to Mitch about relationships and where I'm at. I was explaining what I learned about the vicious circle of a man's loosing his confidence. The rejection from women causes man to loose confidence and, in turn, women reject men because of their lack of confidence. You really have to find a way to break out of that circle, and this is how. You have to stop and take value in yourself before you face them. You have to be capable of rejecting if need be. It took me a while to realize that I had value. Outwardly I would blame my failed relationships on the other person because that was what society expected, but in my deepest place, I blamed myself. That's wrong. Sometimes it is the other person's fault. That's not to say that you should cast blame on others, but if you take blame for everything, it is because you have no value in yourself. You will start to feel sorry for yourself, and you might just end up with someone who will make you feel miserable for the rest of your life because you couldn't see the initial warning signs, and/or you wait around for them to pass through that "phaze". It doesn't happen that way. To be above that circle of gain and loss of confidence, you have to find confidence in yourself, not in what women see in you. Careful though. Don't slip into the other extreem. Don't find too much value in yourself to where you become an introspective and judgemental jerk. The world harbors too much of that mentality as it is.

So on with the clarity story. After that conversation, I went to bed and had the strangest dream. I was walking through this crowded building trying to make my way outside. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman who I deeply cared about in the past. She seemed glad to see me, but more so. Her blue eyes spoke more of a want for me than just a "good to see you" expression. I remember them being very blue and glazed with tears. She wanted to hold me. It was something I had waited for for a long time, but what did I do. I stopped, looked at her, and then turned to look at my direction. I left her standing there crying and kept on walking with focus and no remorse. I then walked out of that seemingly gothic building and into a desert of ice. There was nothing in sight as far as the eye could see except for my guide. He was all wraped up in winter clothing as I was, so I couldn't see his face, but as I walked behind him, all around I noticed frozen dead bodies protruding rigidly out of the snow with fear carved into their blue frosted faces. I did not know where we were going, but I knew that very few people had ever completed the journey, but I didn't care. I felt like I had nothing to loose.

So then I woke up to that awefull shrill of an alarm. I went to church with Matt and on the way he was telling me of a weird dream he had. He was apprehending a demon who was out to hurt someone. I ended up joining his party and I caught it and gave it to him and he gave me this small figure that rested on the head of the demon of a woman in a blue dress kneeling in prayer. I left the dream then and he went to destroy the captured demon in some sort of church water. Yeah, Matt's dream was a little weirder than mine, I must say.

But I think my clarity comes from examining the value I have in myself now as opposed to what it used to be. I don't feel compelled to impress people anymore. If they aren't impressed by who I am just being me, than they won't be and that is fine. I feel like I can make better judgements and quicker decisions. My senses are even sharper than usual. I've been able to smell better, notice more visually, and distinguish and hear sounds better. For the first time I feel like I'm balancing ten spinning plates on my arms and head, but I could take three or four more. It's one of those feeling that you just hope lasts and doesn't die out the next day. I'm also excited to go to sleep and dream again.

My only desire right now, though, is to gain some sort of a mentor. I think I'm going to find a wise someone in my church who I can meet with once a week and share my most personal physical, soulish, and spiritual struggles. Despite what I may portray to those around me, I really don't have it all together at all, and I think I need someone to share that with.

So here I go. I shall have a few sweet moments of sleep and hit the floor running tomorrow. Am I ready? I don't know. Reguardless, I suppose we are all about to find out. Peace and love.

Another Conjecture About Love

I don't talk about love very much, because I usually walk away with this sick feeling in my gut when I do. But something I've noticed here, in this messed up world of higher learning, is that love is one of the most misunderstood and mistreated human atributes that college students face. I was lying in bed just now, drifting off into sleep when I was interrupted and awoken by this blurr of a vision. That's not to say that it was a blurr as in "unclear" because it was very clear, but it was a great deal of information to swallow in a few milliseconds. I'm basically writing this journal to document what I just experienced, and that's it.

The love of a woman is the only thing in life, atleast that I have discovered so far, that you can search your entire life for and not find. Love is more likely slap you in the back of the head than it is to punch you in the face. Love is mutual. It is based on two people being equally selfless to eachother. There is no master between men and women. Your love is not an item that you should leave sitting out for people to come by and inspect like an item at a grocery store. Left like that, it will become used and rotten. Instead, your love is yours until someone comes along who is designed to win it. Until then, it should be locked up and guarded as something incredibly valuable to you. But then, i suppose there are many different types of love. There is the love of friends, the love of family, the love of a woman (assuming men are reading this, women can substatute the word and it will still work), and the love of God. Each of these different types of loves are unique, but similar in that they all come from God and God is love. Therefore, an obedience and love of God would bring light into the understanding of all other forms of love. Other than that, I don't really know much about love...

I've made enough mistakes to know what love isn't. I once convinced myself that I was in love, and that lie stayed hidden for a while. Turns out, I was in love with the idea of being in love. I put all of the traits of spirit and soul that appealed to me into the shell of a girl I dated. The love I had was synthetic and, despite my attempts, was never meant to be. I'm what you would call "thick headed" I suppose. I say that because it took me quite some time to place value on my love and not to just hand it out so easily. Turns out that girl was right when she said "You're not in love with me." It's also a shame that I allowed myself to be damaged for so long because of my ideas of how love sould work. If ever someone tells you some magic formula for love, they should be placed on the same pedistal of idiots who have a magical formula for the stock market. It is easy to buy into that because it makes love seem safe and risk-free, but love isn't safe. God isn't safe. C.S. Lewis said it best through Aslan when he said "I am not safe, but I am good." So we shouldn't walk in pretending like we know what we're doing, but then again we also shouldn't hide from it. Better yet, don't think about it at all. Just let it happen when it happens.

I guess this all has been coming to mind lately after watching my sister and her newlywed husband. She is alot different now than she was three years ago. But they have found love and were patient enough to wait for it. That seems like the best idea. So to those who think they have been stabbed, cheated, and stomped by love, take heart. You will heal. While and when you do, live your life and don't think about what should happen. When it happens, it happens, and you will know.

Peace and love.

From Here to Thanksgiving and Back Again

I'm back from a good length trip to North Carolina. I left Tuesday early morning and rode all day until I got to Montreat. I stopped there to stay a while with Andy and actually ended up eating a meal off of his meal plan and then taking a nap in his bed while he was away at a meeting. It was snowing beautifully while I was there. I had mixed feelings about that though. Andy was the one who pointed out the fact that the last time I was there in his dorm room was when Phillip passed away. It was also snowing on that day as well.

It was rather nice to leave campus behind though. I tend to just forget about everything when I leave Nashville, and probably all for the better. I need time to rebuild I suppose. It was also a good time to see everyone. I think more people come home for Thanksgiving than they do any other holiday and summer combined. It's not for very long, but it works just as well. But I found it to be a bit awkward. I realized that I didn't know most of the people that I used to be friends with. There is this gaping whole about the size of two years that seperates us now. All except for the ones I have stayed in close contacts with, the rest seem like strangers again. I don't know where to start, and all I really have are memories. But memories are rich and still give me a good feeling. I have learned the lesson well that life will never be the same as it used to be. It will always get more difficult, and in suit, I will become more experienced. Memories, however, are the only advantage I have over time. Time can never erase the perfection of a memory.

Going home serves an important reminder though. It is important for you to remember where you came from, especially while in the transitional stages of college living. Knowing that will better prepare you for where you are going. I felt that in a new way when I went to my sister's house for the day on Saturday. I feel behind in my growing. I don't feel like I'm NEAR that point of life yet, and maybe I'm not, but stuff like that does always seem to jerk me back into reality. It places an importance on my decisions. It brings me to focus on one solid point instead of on fleeting moments. All in all, it makes me take life more seriously.

It was a good visit with family and friends. It may just have been what I needed to refix my eyes on what I'm here for. Quite honestly I was at a point where I felt so burned out that I didn't want to do anything else for the rest of the semester. I felt conquered by everything, but now I feel strong again. I'm going to try and keep this flame kindled until the end of the semester. That's not too far off now, so one would think that to be easy, but I have, in fact, a great deal to accomplish before that time comes, namingly exams. I should do well though, considering that I have a second wind blowing in my sails. But it was a long drive home. It went by fast, but it is only until I walk through my door that I realize just how long I have been gone, which doesn't seem that long at all. So now is a time of reorganizing and redisciplining myself after a break that consisted of sleeping, eating, and playing sports. That might be harder said than done, but I don't really have a choice, do I? Here's to you. Hope you had a swell break, and keep on keepin on. Peace and love.

The Break at Hand

I'm done everything until tonight at 6:30, so I think I might try and catch up on some much needed sleep. I'm planning on leaving early tomorrow morning, so I'll probably get my packing out of the way at some point today, but sleep, for now, is the plan.

I've decided to practice a little harder at guitar. I don't seem to be in as good a playing condition than I used to be. Though my voice has improved over the years, I don't want to loose guitar because I've had that so much longer than a singing voice. That reminds me of one of the goodnesses of going home. I'm going to a place that isn't immersed in music. People respect music there like a form of money. They let it touch them. That's why I like playing back at home, because it means something to people. Here nobody seems to care about my music the way I wish they would. I want them to feel it the way I do, but it's all about analyzing the sound. "This needs to sound like that". Well, maybe this is good for me, I don't know. Maybe I need to sit down and listen to the technical side of it all.

But right now I don't feel like I make much sense. I'm happy, and I've got a positive outlook on things, but my heart is still restless in all of this. I should probably expect to learn something very important soon, as this is the feeling I generally get right before something profound happens. But for now, I sleep. Hope you are doing well. Have a happy Thanksgiving.

Peace and love.

Ahhh Yes

I got that Santa suit today. One step closer to my diabolical program plan... They will never know until it is too late (heheheee). But eveidently the ladies dig St. Nick. Whenever I buy a new costume, I always wear it back in the car and see what kind of effect it has on people. Well, I got more flirtatious activity under the disguise of a really really old jovial guy than I do as myself... Hmmm...

Ha, but anyways, I'm fighting my way to the top. I'm almost done my responsibilities for this week which makes me exceedingly happy. I am, in fact, so happy that I have felt motivated to dance and sing along with Frank Sinatra. Yeah, it's one of those moods (pure insanity).

But I WANT TO SHAVE!!! Really bad. I'm getting so patchy and rediculous looking, and above that, it's uncomfortable. But I have made a vow to carry this... this abomination around on my face until the end of the month... or atleast until Thanksgiving...

I'm not going to write much tonight though. I want to just sit and vegg out. Whoa! Matt left his cake... and my fridge still STINKS! I've GOT to do something about that. Reguardless... the cake is mine! And SPEAKING of food... I forgot to tell you about my little cooking episode last night. So I think I convinced this girl, Annie, that I'm the worst cook in the world. Not only was I not able to open the jar, but I added too much water to the boiling pot, I over cooked the sauce and made WAY too much, I got NO dressing on the salad when I mixed it up... and to cap it all off... I was telling her a story until she casually interrupted to inform me that my pot... was on fire. Yes, I melted the lid to my boiling pot because I set it on the stove. We laughed about that for a while... and I still have a giggle or two left because I haven't done something like that since I was like 12. I don't know what came over me last night that made me so clumsy. I mean around here I received the comment from one of my residents that "if Belmont had a Ninja major, you would be all over it." But alas, last night... well I'm just lucky I didn't burn the whole place down.

Having said that... I am going to lay on my futon... eat this cake... and watch a movie till I fall asleep. Peace and love.

Storms and Clear Sky

I'm not seeing much clear sky right now. Every once in a while I'll catch a glimpse of the moon or maybe a star here and there, but it is pretty overcast right now. Turns out that these past few days have been building into a storm. It came through tonight offering heavy rain, high winds, and a few tornados that made for some inconvenience. I don't care about inconvenience right now though. There's only so much you can really let bother you or else you'll get overwhelmed. But the storm did provide time for me to think about what my life is becoming and what I must do to prepare for the vast changes ahead. I need to work on some of my weaknesses, one of which being my tendancy to take on a world of problems and ask for no help. I can't keep doing that. I've got to know where my limits are and I've got to let others help me. I've got to pick my battles a little more wisely than I have been doing.

But through all of this being burnt out and numb to adversity, I still feel alive. There are... other things... keeping me motivated and on my toes. One of which, but not completely is, the motivation of going home for Thanksgiving and doing NOTHING. I just want to eat, sleep, and visit family and friends. I don't want to worry about assignments or obligations. I just want to relax completely. So I look to that and I look to other motivations and I find myself a bit more at ease. Man must have hope to press on.

Did you ever immagine that you would become who you are now? Did you ever think as a child that such a turn of events would spit out as something so beautiful, or simple, or maybe even hideous? I don't remember what I expected of myself as a child. I don't think I ever looked that far ahead, but then, that was part of the unappreciated joys of childhood. I saw it today in the storm though. Those were the same kinds of dark clouds that used to roll in on my house in the late summer. I would walk to the kitchen door and stare out of the rickety old screen door at the enormous trees blowing frantically in the winds. It was an awe inspired fear that still rests in me today though I do enjoy it more now than then. It's as if God were trying to say "This... this is only a glimpse at our comparison."

I can enjoy that idea.

Now I must sleep. Sleep is the last line of defense before I go crazy. Oh, but before I do, this is a picture taken by Aaron of me getting ready to speed through the tornado on a mile long run to the appartments with a 30lb pack on full of pots, pans, cloths, and food for the last of the video shoots. Peace and love.

Set it Up... Tear it Down

I don't know what to say. I'm really pumped up right now, but I shouldn't be. I should be entering into that phaze of "almost asleep", but no. We'll see how I feel by the end of this journal.

Reading through my posts has delivered to me a new idea that I might adopt. I think I reveal too much about myself in this very public journal, so I might ponder my thoughts a bit more before I put them in print. Having said that... I don't know where to really begin.

I'm so anxious right now I could explode. I want to just take off and do something seperate from my routine. I want to camp, go spalunking, SOMETHING wild. I feel to confined by this world that has risen up around me. My dreams have been robbed and replaced with mediocrity, no longer in the motivation of making a difference (which is now considered as nieve among the professional society), but in the motivation of making ends meet. I feel like I'm being swallowed up in something irreversible. After all, I've got far too much passion to spend sitting behind a desk or performing any other form of "coming to grips with reality". I'm not as creative as I used to be. I've been dumbed up. I noted this as I was listening to music I wrote years back that I've keept locked in the vaults. I just don't write music like that anymore, and I sit and wonder why? It's because I don't have the time. I'm spred so thin over so many responsibilities that are supposed to "build my future" that I've sacrificed my soul.

AAAAARRRRRGGGG!

If I keep that up, I'm going to suck at both being a father and a husband and a whatever else life delivers my way. I've got to know when to put my foot down. I can't let this world confuse me as to what are REALLY the most important things in life. I shake my fist at you college... I shake my fist at YOU! I beat up a 6'2" 190lbs man last week and I can beat you up too if you make me!

But let me calm back down for a moment. The new week is about to begin and it will end up beign whatever I make it. I know that sounds cliche, but it has some truth to it. If I wake up tomorrow and drone on about how "I have to do this", and "I have to do that." then I will inevitably hate my life. However, if I wake up with some motivation resting behind me, I might just be more proned to showing that stupid grin I have more often, WHICH, by the way, looks even more goofy these days as No Shave November continues. I might have a full 70's cop moustache by the end of the month! Oh, and hey, I just cooked some eggs at midnight tonight in Hail's kitchen with Aaron. I was hungry and that's really all I have in my fridge right now.

I've been recording alot lately though, and this whole band idea is really taking off. We might end up with a healthy four members if Stuffy decides to join. He has expressed interest, but it's up to him whether or not he likes our sound. Oh, and the studio has been kind as of late, even though I feel kinda geek like for spending so much time there. Speaking of which, we were in the middle of a session on Saturday and the power went out! I was a bit worried that we had lost everything, but when the power came back on, we found out that Radar had backed everything up automatically.

Ya know, come to think of it, lots of stressful stuff has happened to me this weekend that I've taken in stride. A pair of my $60 headphones got completely blown out in a later session on Saturday, and my assistant thought it was his fault and he looked at me like I was about to whip him within an inch of his life... but I didn't. I sat back and was satisfied that atleast they served me well in their two years of cooperation. At that moment they had died, and no matter of getting angry about it was going to change the situation.

And what's tomorrow? Let's see... I'm going to have to do something with my room. It's a mess, and in relationship to that, so is my mind. I've got to fill out my application for Community Conduct Board. I need to contact my guy about the convo I'm running in two weeks. OH, AND I get my next HIV vaccination shot tomorrow. I'm starting to think I'm on the fake one because I'm not feeling any differently, and usually vacceens make me feel a little odd at first. But that's the most of tomorrow.

So enough said. I think I'm going to take some time and get quite by my reading lamp. I need to really focus on some decisions I'm making right now and whether or not they're right. In short, just because you want something, doesn't make it the right thing. Better put by Spiderman:

"Sometimes we have to lay down our dreams and the things we want the most in order to do what is right."

Life will never get easier. We will just get more experienced.

Peace and love.

This IS Decaf... Right?

WRONG! I did not just drink decaf but cafinated coffee. That means that I'm about to get very paranoid and fidgity. I already chewed through my cup and it's two in the morning. To put it short: Bad idea. But really it was all along a good groove. I had a very evenful, yet bizzare day, but that's the way I like it. It started with a few dozen hits of the snooze button followed by a nice relaxing shower. Internship went well, but that was about the last of normal that I was going to see for the rest of the day. I left internship and went to accounting class... only I went thirty minutes earlier that I should have and ended up walking in on the wrong class. The class size was about 40, and they all, including the professor, looked at me. You'd better believe I was a bit lacking for words in that eternal silence until someone spoke up the obvious. "You're in the wrong class." The rest of the class chuckled as I looked at my watch with bewilderment. I had to make a decision right then and there as they burned me with their eyes. I could either turn and walk away and look like a moron, or I could confirm my moronhood to the class BEFORE I turned and walked away. I chose the latter. I confidently stated that "The professor paid me to come in at about this time and tell all of you what a wonderful job you were doing, to keep up the good work, and that this was indeed his favorite class." I then looked at the professor and loudly whispered "I'll be expecting a check in the mail." and THEN I walked off... It was only after I left that the reality set in. I AM a moron.

So I went back to my room and had lunch and played my guitar. An hour later I went to my class and the professor was well into his lecture. I was thirty minutes late apparently, but atleast I was in the right class. I don't know what happened. Has my mind been that consumed? I was worried there for a second that maybe I had underwent one of those silent strokes and part of my memory was erased. I sat for the rest of the class and regained composure and self awareness before my next class. By this time I had talked to a few of my friends as to what was on my mind and they had some pretty good advice. They're all for me taking positive forward action, so maybe I will. All I needed was some fresh music and a decent drive to confirm it. Driving with loud music makes me feel at peace for some reason. Not too sure why. But when I got to Cool Springs for my class, I pulled off the exit ramp and at the top there was a car just broken down on the side of the road with a Belmont sticker on the back. I decided to stop and help em out and as it turned out, she was headed to my class. She suspected that she ran out of gas, but was hopeless in that she didn't have a spare tank to fill up at a station, so she was afraid she was going to have it towed.

Here is where the miracle happened

It just so turns out that I have a very odd water bottle. It holds about a gallon of liquid, It is cubicle and red, and it has a long black spout at the end. It is, infact, a gas tank. And where, shouldst I wonder, is this gas tank at the present? Well in the back seat of my car of course! So I got it out, we drove to the gas station, filled it up, put it in her car, and she drove off. I gave it to her as a keep-sake. But wow! I was looking at it this morning and I thought to myself... "Should I take it out? ... Nah, I'm too lazy." God works in mysterious ways.

So after my next class I went to hang out with my fraternity brothers for a while. It turns out that tomorrow is the second year aniversary for when the Magnificent Seven (my pledge class) was initiated. I feel really old right now. We looked at freshman pictures and I really do look alot older. Only a year left I guess. Makes me kinda sad, but kinda happy at the same time. But alas, this is where I drank the strond cafinated coffee, which is why I am still awake.

Oh, and in health class today I found out three new things about myself

a.) I am a very highly stressed individual (nah, ya think?!?)
b.) According to my habbits, I am set to live atleast to age 84.
c.) If I want to gain weight, I have to eat over 2070 calories a day... ... ... If you know me at all you know that last one is bull. I eat probably around 4000 calories of food a day... and I don't gain CRAP! and THAT... makes me frown.

But alas, I do feel quite joyous as of now. I'm listening to classical and typing as fast as I can in hopes to calm down just a bit before I try and sleep. If there's anything I hate, it's lying in bed tossing and turning and not falling asleep right away. That is BORING!

To you all I pray for the best. Wrap up in this cold weather we're having (it's about time) And keep your thoughts on higher things. I'll leave you with this poem.

But Grace is desert's shallow pool
That quench the wise man and the fool
Though wisdom only stops to think
The foolish man will stop to drink

Peace and love

You Can Dance

Tired... not because of an average day, but because I danced like there was no tomorrow tonight. We had our pajama jam program tonight and it was a huge success. At first I was really uncomfortable, but then I just gave in. I think what it was was all of the sour grapes that were there saying how bad out playlist was and that they wanted good music like rap instead of our fun music. But then they all got tired and left and the rest of us had a great time. We line danced, jumped around, and just went crazy! I haven't broken out of my shell like that in a while. Feels good, I must say.

My heart feels mixed up right now though. I'm not sure why... or maybe I do know and I'm just not being honest with myself. That's it. I sometimes think maybe I get too excited about stuff like this and that maybe I should just crawl back into my indifference. It's safe and familiar there, and I have focus. But then while I'm there I think, "What if I miss something important? What if something or someone passes me by?". Then I get this urge to take risks. I'm in that place right now. I want to take risks and see what happens. I have stumbled upon something utterly amazing and I just can't rest at turning my back. It's funny because initially I literally did. I looked down at my scars and I convinced myself that I had suffered enough. But it became an internal battle. I couldn't sleep that night. I was confronted with that part of me that only surfaces in these instances. It opens my eyes to the worth of the journey if it should follow through. It's something I would die for, so I can't say no. But maybe I should keep things like this to myself. Or maybe it helps to talk to an almost unknown audience. Whatever, I'm done being rediculously mushy.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. I don't have anything clogging up my schedule so I think I'll finally get to kick back. Tomorrowz going to be rough though, I assure you. I've got loads of accounting due and very little time to do it in. Plus I have a test in health... Wait... I say that as if that would be challenging. Sorry... I just want to go hiking or camping or something. I think that would be good for me. Okay, so the first weekend I get away from the studio, I'm going to go camping. That will help me get my heart straight. That and a little more quite time and prayer. To you all I wish the best. Peace and love.

Bombed :(

I magically bombed a test today. My brain wouldn't work. I couldn't study because nothing, no matter how forcibly I pushed, would enter my head after yesterday. Why does this happen to me? I don't know, but I've written it off. I can still do well in that class, but I can't have a mess-up like that again. On a higher note, shortly after the bombed test, I found a dollar in my pocket while I was doing laundry, so that slightly rounded off my day. There is no experience like finding money in your pocket.

I'm heating up some left over speggetti (that's not how it's spelled, but...). I'm absolutely starving. I also just pounded some niquil. Nothing says goodnight like a dose of niquil. That should help me feel a little better in the morning. Maybe I can get my sleeping habbits back on track too. Wait, what sleeping habbits. I didn't think I had any.

I think I want to go to an opera sometime soon. There are plenty of them around, I just don't go because of stupid excuses. I really think I would like it though. But anyways, I'm going to make this journal short and sweet and wish you all the best. This niquil will probably kick in soon and I need to be ready. Peace and love.

I'm on Air

Today was a breath of fresh air. I can't really say that EVERYTHING went as planned, but I felt blessed. I took a step back from all activity and looked at where I was and I've noticed that I'm handling my responsibilities with greater ease and boldness these days. I also looked at myself in comparison as of last year and I'm glad I'm not there anymore. I can't believe some of the things I did and said back then. I shouldn't say "back then" though. It makes it sound like a long time ago.

Right now I want to explode and implode at the same time. I'm both really excited, but still really tired. I'm getting ready right now to study with Aaron for our accounting exam tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to that one bit. I do get paid on Friday though. That makes me happy. But why am I excited? I know, but I can't really say... sorry to tease.

We did have a really good recording session tonight though. I layed down four vocal tracks to the song and a bunch of random crazy all throughout just to keep myself entertained amidst pressure. Recording does take alot out of you. There's so much to fine tune that if you don't have fun with it you will loose your mind.

But I could say that everything is wonderful with me, but my friends, that's another story. I don't post private information about other people, but some of my friends are hitting rough waters right now. It makes me mad because it's all misunderstanding and alike. I also hate it because I can't fix it. I want to feel useful to my friends, and when they suffer I feel that I might have an opportunity to help, but I don't think I do in these instances. Grrrr.

Well, I have to study now so I can get to bed at a decent hour. Peace and love.

A Long Hour or Two

This weekend was inSANE! I'm not quite sure how to classify it yet because I'm barely conscious, but I think it was good. See, generally the weekend is something I look forward to in order to sleep in, but that didn't happen at all this weekend. I was up at the crack of dawn both Saturday and Sunday. Saturday I had to be in the lobby by 7:30 for a movie that I got to play in. I was Sam, a shy, hopeless romantic who likes trucker hats. I was a distant admirer of Alex, a popular, confident girl who I just couldn't get up the courage to ask out because I was afraid she didn't like trucker hats. We recorded all day until about 5:45. I gotta say. It was pretty fun and pretty different from the stuff I'm used to doing. After that I went to a session to record. That lasted about four hours and went really well. The overdubs are on Monday, so we should have a relatively good mix by tomorrow. After that, I went to the Pembroke House and Matt cooked for both Aaron and I. Matt, you rock.

This morning I was up again at the same time to do a mandatory convocation out at Opry Mills. Aaron and I were supposed to help set up for the Christian Country Music Awards. We got there and there really wasn't much work to do, so we pretty much sat around for a few hours until someone finally needed out help to set up a kiosk. OH, but getting there was interesting. We took a wrong turn (my fault) and ended up going the wrong way down a one way street with tons of cars coming. The funny thing is, not one person used their horn in a fit of rage. We also whitnessed a cult meeting at the same hotel that the awards were to be done. They were chanting and doin crazy stuff with shrines and then I think they were going to do some miracles or something because the people who were running it congregated outside of the room where we were setting up the kiosk and they were saying "Now remember, nobody knows about this. It has to be believable." n stuff like that. It was a little weird, I gotta admit. Then I was walking past the door and I heard "ARISE!!!" and then a gong sound. I wanted to put on a papertowel loin cloth and go running in yelling gibberish, but I remembered that I wasn't on campus anymore and that the general public might frown upon such activity.

But things were relatively peaceful in my world until about lunch time when I got the call. Someone vandalized our bathroom last night... in two seperate occasions. I'm exhausted right now because I just finished a mandatory floor meeting that lasted 3 hours. The reason being is that we interregated each guy on the floor in attempts to catch the guy who did it. I can't say much for sure, but I'm pretty sure we got the perpetrator. But other than that, I did a few more shots on the movie today. I'm really excited to see how it turns out. I also wanna try and stay in touch with some of the new folks I met while making it. We had some good times.

But now I must venture off to bed... I'm so tired I can't keep my mouth closed because my jaw is to lax. I really just need to go to the beach for a week or so, but I don't think that's going to happen EVER, so I'll make due with a shower tomorrow or something. Hope all is well with you in your land. Peace and love.