We (human beings) have a natural fear of danger, but have you ever stopped to think about how dangerous fear is? Well... I just did, and let me tell you about what conclusions I drew. Sometimes I won't do things because I am afraid of what might come of them. What fear does is it allows us to make up legitamate answers in our heads of why we shouldn't and therefore, we convince ourselves that the fear we feel is necessary, when most of the time (at least for me) it isn't. I find myself fearing stupid things. Most of my fears are based on past experiences of pain. I remember when I was little I used to love rollerblading down the sloped street in front of my house. It was one of the best things in the world for me until the day that I, in my confidence, fell off and got scraped up. How long do you think it was before I got back in those roller blades and went down that hill. It was years. I kept telling myself that the pain wasn't worth it and that going down that hill wasn't all that important anyways. I had scars to remind me of this. Over the years I grew more and more passive because I didn't want to get hurt. I was missing out on many things failing to note that God has created my body to heal itself. I just didn't want to hurt, so I solved the problem by not attempting risks. Well, eventually I grew out of this fear of physical activity when I hit puberty. Testosterown (i spelled it wrong because when spelled correctly, it turns in to a hyperlink for some sex drug... isn't that horrible? this is my journal, not an advertisement for viagra!) does strange stuff to us guys. With puberty, though, came a new fear in to my life which replaced the old. This is a fear that I still struggle with and still have scars from, but I am in the midst of moving out of it and into yet another phase of fears. When I was a freshman in high school, I was all excited about girls, so I got a girlfriend as soon as I could. I did not weigh the consequences because I didn't know where to begin. All I knew was that high school girls were hot and "sophisticated" (ah the innocent preceptions of the young). Well, later on I ended up hurting that girl really bad. The relationship got old and I realized that I was wasting time so I broke up with her. She was devistated for a long time and I didn't even really care. In fact, I recall getting quite angry at her for making such a big deal about it. After all, earlier on she cheated on me twice and I didn't complain. After that, I was on top of the world. I remembered what freedom felt like and as a result to reflect my mood, I died my hiar a lighter color (I didn't realize the symbolizm at the time, but it comes into play later). A few years down the road I met another girl and I became fearless once more. She was way out of my league, but I figured I would ask her out anyways. What did I have to loose? (probably alot)... I won't really go in to detail, but eventually she said yes and I was exstatic. I couldn't get to sleep for a few days I was so excited. I was like a little kid about the whole thing, but I was a happy little kid. Well, skipping to the end of that story, complications started rearing thier ugly heads. I was going through a very confusing time in my life, and the funny thing is, when I look back at it now, I can see how I became to her like my first girlfriend became to me, and that kinda hurts (Is that a run-on?). Well, as the story goes, I wrote her a song and was going to play it for her one day, but I was cut short before I even had the chance. I folded that song up and left it in the sound hole of my guitar anticipating that surely she wasn't serious (denial). Then I accepted it and learned how it felt being on the other side of the line. I was upset, but I didn't know what I was angry at. In my pain I grew another fear. I feared and started to be cold towards women. I think I may have even swore my life to celebacy (yikes!!!) but I know I diead my hair black in mourning (like a dumb little addolescent). I guess it was just the fact that she broke up with me while I still liked her, I realized that she now had a piece of me that I could never get back. This became my legitamate excues not to date anymore. I withdrew from society and tried to keep busy so that I wouldn't feel so torn apart. That worked for a while, but it was only a temproary solution. One can only run from their fears for so long. After a while I just began analyzing my fears. For years (yeah... years) I was tortured by questions of why. Finally though, I did some growing up and I made peace, but the scars are permanent. As I bear the scars from my restless youth to remind me of physical pain, I also bear scars on my heart that remind me of emotional discomfort (hearts take longer to heal though). Anyways, now has come the time for me to start really thinking about dating, but I admit that I have, through my fear, legitamized so many excuses, that I, in essence, am afraid to (choppy sentence). Metephorically speaking, I just took the bandages off, and I'm not ready to face the possibility of putting them back on. I suppose my point for this winded journal is to point out what fear really does to us. I'm not saying that you should go out and do the things you fear just to prove a point, because there are things out there that can damage you beyond repair (like slapping a bear cub in the face right in front of its mother... yeah, that would just be dumb). All I'm saying is that if you nurture your fears with excuses and run from them instead of straight out facing them, you will be lonely.
Hope you enjoyed my thoughts, and I hope they were thought provoking. I'll talk to y'all later!

I'm here now. Another day down and so much closer to Thanksgiving break. I really can't wait for a chance to get more than five hours of sleep... yeah, that would be nice. Tonight was my last night as a pledge too. Tomorrow I will become a full fledge Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia brother. Tonight was fun cause we got to do a scavanger hunt all around Nashville and... well... it was fun. This weekend we are going camping though. That should be sweet. I'm going to be cold as anything, but I'm ultra manly, so I think I can handle it. I still have to finish out this week though. I have math tomorrow, so we'll just see how that goes. It's getting hard, but it's almost over. I also have to get things straightened up so I can register for classes soon. I really don't want to get shaft ended on that cause I HATE morning classes now. I need and greatly value my sleep, so hopefully I will be able to work that out. As for life in general... I supose for the most part I am enjoying it. I still have mistakes from the past that haunt me on the occasion, but I really feel that God is finally whiping me into shape. I've gone through many test that I feel have made me stronger, but by no means am I done yet. I'm out for the night, but I'll talk to you later.

i'm too lazy to type in caps today. you will still be able to read this if i don't won't you? well, anyways, i haven't been keeping up with the journal lately and i wonder if you can guess why? that's right, i'm bussy again. it's not quite as bad as before. i have an english research paper to turn in soon, and i just got done having lots of exams, but i'm doing the best i can. the weekend was nice though. i got to do alot of stuff to just kick back and relax. friday i went ice skating with darren, matt, and scott byer (this is in alphabetical order and i will do so with all name lists as to not show favoritism, or i will put ladies first for the same reasons just so you know). we had a pretty good time, and i left with soar legs, but i learned how to do the hockey stop which i have been trying to do for years, but i just figured it out that night. i'm so excited! higher education as already begun eminating from my body as made evident from my learning hockey stops in one night. isn't that wonderful? well, friday night we decided to pitch a tent in the hallway and just sleep there for a while. i was out there for a little while, but then i remember that i really wanted to get some sleep this weekend, so i went back to bed in my own room. i didn't wake up until 1:20 saturday morning, which (even though i don't relly like sleeping in too late) felt pretty good. that night we decided to get a little athletic and go play basketball. the results weren't qute satisfying. i really need to get back in the gym and buff up again. i've got a few things to help aid me until the finish of next semester. see, i'm starting a protein diet with lots of fish and stuff. do you realize how cheap tuna is?!? it's also pretty good for a college snack, so all you not yet college students out there reading this, take note of that. aslo it is important to get a little protein here and there cause all the caf really serves is carbs... now that i think about it,... nah, never mind. anyways, ryan and i are going to start working out together. i think this year will be as promising in muscle gain as the last cause i've actually put on quite a bit of weight. continuing on in our little story, after that we finally went to see it. the last matrix movie ever! and guess where i saw it ladies and gents. WRONG!!! i saw it at the imax theater. that was the most amaizing movie experience i've ever been through. the screen was enourmous and there were so many speakers. they said that if focused correctly, you would be able to see the light from the projector used all the way from the moon! that's a big light folks. the movie was good, we came back, had sauna time, went to bed, i went to church this morning (very good stuff), ate lunch (yuck... cold pizza!) had sushi for dinner (which was pretty cheap... and pretty good), and then basically came back here and am now signing off. also, pray for my folks y'all, they're in guatemala for the week doing medical missions, so they'll need it. i know exactly how they will feel.

The big news today was the break in we had at Pembroke this morning. Third floor got lots of stuff stolen and I've heard through the grape vine that there is some master plan to catch this guy cause now he's been seen. I must admit from what I have heard that I will have compassion on him when he is caught, even though he does deserve to be caught. Of course (and I'm in a very philosophical mood right now) sometimes we all deserve to be caught. I think that in his mind, he has justified his actions to where his conscience no longer vexes him when he commits his hanous acts. If you think about it though, we all do it. Whether or not it directly effects other people as stealing does is another question, but we all do things wrong that we try to justify so that our conscience doesn't make us dwell on it. I do think it quite foolish that he decided to break in to a male dorm though. Male college students are among the most physically fit people in the country. We are at the prime of our phisical life, and we have to walk everywhere, so we are relatively all in some sort of shape. Of course, round is a shape... so I guess a better way of saying it would be that we most all have edges. I brag not on my muscles. In fact... I really need to get back in the gym. I did weight training all throughout high school and it felt so good, but now I don't really work out like I should. Also, with this protein diet (tuna fish) that I'm on, I'm going to bulk up in either muscle mass or fat mass depending on what I do with the new income. I have to punish myself though. I must get past the initial soarness of the first few weeks of workout. I also need to find a weight training partner. I know lots of stuff about training too, I just need the discipline to apply it. Other than that though, I got alot done today. I went to the store and bought envelopes and some cd-r's, but I still have to get stamps to mail my mom the Vanderbilt medical bill mentioned in one of my previouse journals (you have to keep track of these things). I also got my laundry done today which really needed to be done. I was re wearing alot of my stuff here cause when I thought about it, I don't really have anyone to impress, but it was getting too nasty for even me. You know (or maybe... hopefully... you don't) how when your cloths have that humid feel to them? Yeah, that means it's time to wash those babies. I did too, and speaking of cloths, I also got to dress up tonight for another formal frat meeting. I really like dressing up on the occasion. I just get this professional feel about me. Tomorrow is a new day though and the big recording day! The final product won't be ready until December 1st though, so I won't have anything when I come home for Thanksgiving break... on the other hand, I might... but don't bet on anything. I also get to see how I did on my math test tomorrow. Hopefully it will be good news, as I feel it might be, but unlike other subjects, I can never quite accuratly depict the outcome of a math test. I just don't have a feel for that kind of stuff. Well, I'm going to bed now... I must crush this ensamnia with my big stinky foot... and to think I was once such a morning person!

This day been swell! I can't think of one thing wrong with it other than the fact that I totaly fell off the top bunk backwards tonight and busted my back and head in a way that seems undescribable by human words. I also got locked out of my room for the third time!!! I think I'll start with this morning. The first thing this morning was eight o'clock rec tech. I wasn't looking forward to it, not because it's rec tech, but because it's eight o'clock rec tech. We had a suprise today though. Instead of a lecture, we got to watch a film on the production of the Sergent Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album from the Beatles. I thought that was super swell. Some more stuff that made me smile today was that my writer's block was finally removed. I haven't been able to write a song in quite some time until last night. I wrote one called "Can You Hear Them Fall?" It's about just wanting to sit alone for a little bit and think about a situation. It is in the fall, and a breeze is blowing leaves all around and I think about how those leaves were once attached to a tree which was the only thing in the world that they cared about. In their colorful prime, the tree let them go and let them fall, but as they did, they did it gracefully and made no noise. But "Roads are paved with better things, with better days and better dreams" so look on the bright side I guess. Once again this song, as well as 90% of all my songs are written in relation to girls, and I've tried to break from that, but on second thought, I don't think I will. That is what I feel and that is what I write. My second song called "Rainy Lullaby" is pretty much that: a lullaby. Of course I was thinking about a girl upon writing it, but you could take it different ways. I think this versitility might do the song a bit of justice, and it's also got a catchy tune and a hook for the audience. These songs, as well as others, will be available on my website as soon as I get it done, so keep an eye out for them. More happiness was brought to me upon the succesfull fixing of my boss's computer. I spent 6 hours trying to get that thing back in running condition, and I finally finished. Even more came to me when I learned that on my recording at RCA studios, I will be receiving the great honor of having Elvis's piano on my song! That is so awsome. Elvis recorded almost all of his songs featuring piano on that very one! That's not all though. Eric called me today and he stopped by. We took a tour and jammed around a little bit before I had to go to math tutoring. Pray for me that I might do well on my math test tomorrow. I will need it... and I believe it is someone's birthday today... so HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRITTANY!!! Now I'm going to get all showered and cleaned up (except for my facial hair cause it's NO SHAVE NOVEMBER!!!)(I actually have stuff to grow this year too, it's great)(I feel like such a big boy). After the shower we're having tea time, and then I'm going to sweet sweet bed. Talk to everyone tomorrow, God willing. Later!

This weekend was rather nice I'd say. Most of it consisted of sleep, but the waking hours were rather nice and entertaining. Friday after work I got to take a long nap. It was, of course, Halloween, so I wanted rest for that night. My frat was having a party and the only directions I got were across the street from a burned down church on Belmont Blvd. Well, Matt and I were thinkin "Belmont Blvd. isn't that long." or so we though. Anyways, we walked and walked for a good few miles at night, and found no church. We got so far down, we eventually decided to jog back cause we didn't think we would find it. Well, we got back to the dorm and I called Charles, one of my fellow PM's. He said that there was a burned down church on Belmont Blvd, so this time Matt and I went in his car. Wouldn't you know that the church was just on the other side of the intersection that we turned around at? Yeah, well we went to find the house but we couldn't find it. I suppose all for the better though. I'm not much of a party person anyways. We just came back and watched 28 Days Later. That movie was one of the scarriest I've seen so far in my quest to see a movie that actually scares me. It has yet to happen, but I admit that I did jump once. Anyways, I think I went to bed at around 3:30 and I slept in till noon on Saturday. That was FABULOUS! What was better though, was that two hours later I decided to take a two hour nap. In short: I was awake for two hours of solid day light. It gets dark awful early here. The sun goes down at about five and that's much earlier than I am used to, or maybe I just never payed it much attention until now. Later though, we decided to watch another scarry movie so Ryan and Scotty B. and I went searching around Nasville for a Blockbuster. We ended up getting Nightmare On Elm Street cause I always wanted to see Freddy Crouger. I think those 70's B moives are just swell. We also went by Wendy's to get some frosties, but I got frosties and frenchfries. Everybody thinks that's grose, but I really like em that way now. Course, I thought it was grose at first too, but once I tried it I was head over heels for them. When we got back to the dorm I had to use the bathroom, and all my buddies' rooms were empty. Anyways, I walked in to the bathroom and everyone was in there with chairs and all the showers on full hot. It was the most amaizing sauna ever, so I spent a bit of time in there before we watched the movie. I guess the big concern for this upcoming week though is my math test on tuesday. I really need to do well on it, or I may have to take it over again next semester. That would just be a waste of money. So I'm going to study my brains out in math for the next two days and see what I can see. Well, I guess that's about it for today. I'll be coming home in a few weeks for Thanksgiving!

Finally, I've almost made it to the weekend. I have gotten all my projects done for this week, and I'm about ready to fall over. Today wasn't too bad, even though I did have math class. I went in with the mentality to learn... and I guess I did. I also took a nap today and that helped out alot. For the past few weeks, I haven't really had the time to take a nap, so I know I'm coming out of the fog. The itself reflected my mood. I was a little bit cool in the morning, but then I got warm and sunny later in the day. Now I'm cooling off again simply because I'm tired. Going to bed early (in college terms) at 12ish is also really helping me to function. I will admit to you all though, that I have been very impatient with almost everybody lately. I blame it on several things... First of all, the weather. It has been changing from warm to cold and cold to warm for the past few days, so everybody has been a bit moody around here. Yesterday it was somethin like 52 degrees high, and today it was 78. That's quite a fluctuation if you ask me, and on top of that, it's been rainy. Normally I like the rain cause I spent so many years lifeguarding. Even at an indoor pool, if it was raining, people would be less inclined to want to go swimming which would put incredible ease on my job for that day. Of course, there would always be those one or two die-hard aqua fans who would show up even if they had to dodge a few lightning bolts to get there, but they weren't really the ones that demanded lots of attention anyways. Hey, and the weirdest thing happened to me just a few minutes ago that has nothing to do with anything that I have previously talked about (but if you know me, that's no suprise now is it). My smoke detector in my room just had a hissy fit and there was no smoke. It was the only one and then it just stopped. Nobody even farted! This isn't the first time that something like this has happened to me though. I was sitting in a parking lot one time, and all of the sudden, all the cars with alarms around my area just went off for a few seconds and then stopped. It was so weird! Maybe I have body oder that disrupts magnetic wavs in the air or something. This would be my best bet because I haven't showered yet today... Now that I think about it... HOW did I have a good day without my power shower!?! The shower is the place where I think and sort information. It is the only place where I go and pretty much rest assured that nobody is going to disturb me. At one point in time, that used to be my room. I guess because I grew up in a house with only one bathroom and everyone would always come pounding on the door yelling "NATHANNNN! HURRY UP! YOU'RE USING UP ALL THE HOT WATER!". That never really happened in my room probably because my room was located in the part of the house where you would only be wandering around if you had direct business with me. My room was like an attic i suppose. Not just because it was upstairs, but also because I kept it about as clean and uncluttered as you're average attic. I guess I'm just going to cap it all off by saying this: I've had lot's (more than one) of people talking to me on IM about my away messages and profiles because they've been hinting (or blatently proclaiming...whatever you want to call it) that I'm crazy about some girl. Well, I'm sorry, but this ain't no psychological study this time, it's just one of those times for me when I have to get stuff off my chest. See I don't really talk about that to guys, and I don't really talk about that to girls... Infact... I don't really talk about that to anybody. For the most part, I either keep it bottled up, write a song about it, or just type away. Not the best of options, but it gets me by, so just look at it, try to understand... or don't (whatever floats your boat). Well, anyways... tomorrow is Halloween and I need to get some sleep so that I can wander around like a little kid, door-to-door, and beg for candy... See ya'll later.

Good news for today. It was much better than the past few days. I think it's becuase I got some stuff out of the way, because that's been a big stresser for the past few weeks. I've still got some stuff yet to go, but I will overcome and make it to the top... eventually...The web page is really coming along, and I'm very excited to see it's progress. I feel kinda nerdy though because I'm really enjoying just typing away at html code. On a related issue, that came in handy today at work. My boss didn't have anything for me to do, so I was sent to the main office to find a task. The only thing they really had for me was, guess what? Yep! Web page design. I enjoyed doing that. I don't know why I like it so much, but I just do. Today was also a formal dress up for another frat meeting. I can't really talk about what goes on in those meetings, but I do like dressing up cause I get all sorts of attention from the ladies when I do... he he. I've still got a week ahead of me though. Tomorrow is Thursday and then Friday should be a breeze. I just need to work hard at math. That and I need to finish a project for computer fundamentals. I plan on dedicating this entire weekend to sleep though... I have desired a good night sleep for quite some time, but have yet been able to claim it. I'll talk to you all later.

Today was one of the long ones. I've just got sooo much work, and so little time to do it in. Math has got me sweating bullets. I don't like it at all. As far as my everyday life goes... well... everyone is in my room right now making all kinds of barn yard noises. That pretty much summarizes everything. Kevin let me borrow his digital camera for the past few days, and that means that I used it to take digital pictures. These digital pictures are now on my computer. Now I am in the process of writing a whole lot of HTML code to get a website up and running. It's going to be great, and it shouldn't be more than a few weeks... so look out for that. I think I'm going to bed early, but I still haven't finished my English paper. That's what we did in English today, we did peer group editing on eachother's papers. I'm not feeling confident about my paper yet, but I'll do my best. I really need a vacation. A LONG vacation. I'm running out of energy and it shows (aren't my journals getting shorter?) My weeks are just getting so long and repedative. I'm also just running out of stuff to talk about. Or maybe I've been too distracted to concentrate on the details of life. I don't know, but tomorrow is bound to get better! I think I'll write a song and dance and sing about birds and fields of yellow grain or something like that! That's sure to make me feel better... but I doubt that would make many people feel better about me... Oh well! Take care everyone.

Hey everybody, I know it's been a while since my last post, but I really have been busy, I promise. The coolest news was my weekend. I had a great one. Kristin, Brandon, and Phill came to visit me at Belmont. I showed them around and we had a good time, kinda like the good ol days back home. That kinda makes me miss home, but that's all part of the college experience. While they were here we went thrift shopping, we went to Mellow Mushroom, we walked down music row, we ate at the Curb Cafe. The last night, we thought it might be a good idea to camp out in the quad. We took a tv out there, some games, and a movie, and we all were watching Amadeus, but then the wind picked up and we had to move everything back in. We did just in time too, cause it started to rain right after that, but we still watched as much of the movie as we could (it was three hours long!). On a seperate story, yesterday felt great, but today was COLD! The good news is that I've got a coat for such occasions, but the bad news is that it's bound to get colder. Today has been really hard on me though. I guess I blame it mostly to heart sickness. I was even contimplating about going into detail in my journal just for the heck of it, but then I decided not to. I'm fine though, I just have had these spells for the past few years over something stupid. Don't worry about me, instead, have a great day until you read me again!

The world has finally slowed down temporarily in my life. Things have really been hectic since I got back from Fall Break. I've been fighting the illness that is going around, and I've been fighting the workload. Seems like tea time is the only brief moment of relaxation I have in the day. I suppose it's good for me though. If you think about it, life only speeds up from here on out. There is always humor though. With ADD you gain the ability to tell yourself jokes... and I'm not just talking about jokes that bring a smile to your face... I'm talking about jokes that make you bust out laughing in the middle of a math test (yeah, those kids). The up side is that you can pass time very quickly, but the down side is that nobody want's to hang out with that weird kid who laughs for no apperant reason. I do pretty well though as far as that goes. As for tea time... I don't know if I've ever told you about tea time, have I. Tea time is just that. Some of my dorm guys get together every night and we heat up some water and bring our own tea to drink. It's quite relaxing. The cool news is that Brandon, Phill, and Kristin are coming to Belmont tomorrow. I'm excited. I always enjoy having visitors. On that note though, I need to go to bed. I have a big day tomorrow! G-night all.

Hey everybody! I'm back to school after a very pleasant, but very short, Fall Break. I'm really tired right now after a long day's drive so I don't know how much I'll fill you in on. I suppose it all depends on how long that last little bit of cafeen holds out from that Dr. Pepper I just drank. As most of you know, I rode back with Jeremy, our (Pembroke's) kindly viking. We shared half of the driving responsibility because it's an eight hour trip, but we got through it both ways without any tickets (I'm sort of a lead foot if you don't know that already). Home was nice, though it had a strangeness to it. It was where I grew up, but I will never live there again. Life won't be the way it was ever agian. I had fun as a kid, and now that's all over. Having said that, it didn't really get me down as much as I thought it would. I suppose I just expected to be weirded out after having Grace (my older sister) go to and graduate from college right before I did. I am a mite bit further away than she was, but I see little difference. AIM has made long distances seem non-exsistant. I talk to people next door (becuase I'm too lazy to get up and poke my head around the corner or raise my voice) just the same as I talk to Brian in Hawaii. It makes no difference as far as communication goes. Seeing familiar faces was very nice though, and I gave Jeremy a proper tour of the whole town, or as I like to call it, "my little town" simply because I've lived there all my life. Another weird feeling that occured during my visit could almost be indescribable. It was like a rift in time. I felt like I had been there yesterday while at the same time I felt like I hadn't been there in a year. It's a town full of both good and bad memories... which I might be able to capitalize if I can manage to sell the movie rights. I had a good time though. The first day was the tour, and then my mom and I went to stay at Grace's appartment at Chappel Hill. My sister is a fourth grade teacher, which is pretty odd. I remember my fourth grade teacher very well, and I remember my sister as a little girl very well. Now my sister is a fourth grade teacher that some guy years down the road at college is going to remember very well (did you follow that?). The reason I went was to chaparone her class to the state fair, and if you know me at all, you know that kids freak me out. I don't know what to do with them and I don't remember how they think (I know you're already formulating some jokes at my expense on that note, and I hate to ruin your fun... but I already told them to myself and they aren't that funny). Kids, however, always seem to be excited to be around me. This poses a problem, and a problem which I am working on. The experience was fun though, other than the fact that I was druged out on Claratin. I do have mixed feelings about the fiar. I used to love them as a kid, but then I went once when I was older... and all I remember was that the air was strewn with a sort of negativity (is that a word?) and the ferris wheel seemed kinda fast. I still enjoyed the experience of being Mr. Crandell to her Grace's class. You know... I guess I'll just have to finish talking to you tomorrow cause I'm too tired to carry on. I must reserve these last few moments of strength to climb to the top bunk... TTFN!

To make a long story short... I passed my fraternity exam today, and I'm coming home tomorrow. I definitely need a vacation, but I really don't think that it's going to be near long enough... I suppose we will just have to wait till Christmas break won't we? I've got a to do list though. I'm going to first get a haircut. The last time I got one of those was the night before I moved in! Driving is also on my list because I LOVE driving. I also need to get a bunch of stuff together to bring back here. Things that will help bring more order and tranquility to my humble abode. I'm also looking forward to home cooking... I will never again make the misteak of buying a meal plan because I have never been so continuously sick as I have been here. I can't get used to the food. I would have thought that I would have had enough shots and have gone to enough third world countries to build an immunity to stomach trouble, but BEHOLD cafeteria food for three meals a day! There is no rival to such a minion as this! On another topic, I feel like I'm ready to explode. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I just feel strange. Maybe this vacation will set me back on my feet, but I don't know. It's really just a number of things combined. The stresses of midterms, the late nights and early mornings, the amount of socialization that I have been involved with. I don't know. Something I have been noticing around here though is that everyone here seems to be dramatically different from everyone I've known back home. Not always in a bad way, but I have to get used to it. As for my lady life (I know I'm making alot of exceptions in accordance with my laws based on personal information) I'm not really hunting right now which is weird. I've always been the one to chase and/or flirt, but I have not been compelled to do so here. I always get the pressure from everyone to date girls here, but I don't feel the need to. Society makes fun of people like me... but I see that as humerous. You see (and remember you are reading MY journal and thus MY opinions so take it or leave it) I don't really have a void to be filled by dating (which is why lots of people date) and I don't date off of curiosity (which is another reason why people date). I have seriously dated two girls in my exsistance and throught those experiences I learned the primary lessons of dating. How to dump, and how to be dumped. How- to get rid of someone that annoys you, and how to loose someone you really thought was cool. To me, right now it would be like playing with fire. (plus, I can't afford women, I'm in college). The only reason I would ever date a girl is to see if she were compatible with me for marriage. I think it's still a bit early in the game for me to be thinking about that, so I'm not going to despite what society and those stupid MTV reality shows say I have to do. Which leads me into my next topic. I absolutely loath MTV. Not only does it have nothing to do with music, but it is extremely repedative. The problem with this world is that there is too much drama. According to MTV, life is about getting drunk, getting laid, and then getting angry with the person you just slept with. Either that or feeding off of other peoples problems by pearing into thier lives. Where does this put our generation? We don't have enough problems in our lives without having to watch other people have theirs on tv? I've just known too many people who feel like life is one big soap opera. They constatnly throw themselves into situations that they don't really belong in or want to be in, but the thrill and the rush of the drama compells them. That is all I have to say for tonight. See ya'll after FALL BREAK! ... Wait wait wait, I almost forgot to talk about English class! Today we talked about our project topics. I'm going to be focusing around 9-11, but I'm not quite sure what to focus in on. As for Wednesday, we won't be meeting in class, instead we will be on-line talking about our and eachother's bloggs. That is partly why I went so personal on this journal, because of the point I wish to prove about journals.

Lots to fill you in on and I don't want it to be as lengthy as some of the past few have, so listen up. Last night was the big date night. I was quite nervouse/excited about the whole thing, because dates are just like that. Anyways... I guess I'll tell you how it went. Saturday I went to the grocery store and bought all kinds of goodness. First I bought steak, then some green beans, then some potatoes. I capped it all off with a some sauce and a rose which cost a little bit more than what I went for the at the auction, but (and I know this sounds weird and pathetic) I have a hard time not paying in excess for girls. Sure I know I talk about dutch dating, but I suppose it's just in my romantic nature (he he yeah). Here's how it went. First I went to church and then when I got back I immediately went to work at getting ready. Chubbs, my RD, had to attend to an emergency, so plans were a little off, but by the grace of God I got things done. First off I had to actually cook the food (yes... cook the food), and I couldn't get in to Chubbs's kitchen. This posed a problem, but then I summoned the assistance of Chris who let me in to his appartment so that I might cook the dinner for that special someone. This was not all that I had planned. Chris also aided me in blindfolding her and driving her around for a few minutes and then showing her to the room in which i had prepared a pleasant atmosphere of soft lighting, soft classical music, and nice red plastic plates (those and the glasses were provided by Patrick, my RA). Oh yeah, I also put on my tux for the first time in about a year. It still fits (big suprise). Well, once she got there we had the dinner that I cooked, which wasn't really that good. See, I cook best on a grill, and not on ovens. I even burned my arm while I was cooking. I'm not that skilled. The steak was dry, the potatoes undercooked, and the green beans were bland. Needless to say, I was rather nervous. I wanted things to operate smoothly, but wouldn't you know that I didn't have a bottle opener for the spakling cyder, which was the very first part of the date. After I ran around the dorm for a good while, I eventualy got one from my neighbor Aaron (who also lent me his cd player, and as you might remember from the earlier episodes, drove me to the hospital). Anyways, the thing I was most nervouse about was the conversation... I especially get nervouse when the girl happens to be gorgeous, but I've been getting better at that. I almost made it through dinner without studdering and loosing the convesation to nervouseness. After dinner we went on a nice long walk around campus and I ended it with a hug and I gave her what she earlier told me was her favorite food: cotton candy. I had a good time, and I think she did too. Today was nice. I didn't have work so I got a good long nap. I only had two classes also, so it wasn't too shabby. The big thing this week will be going home for the first time since I got here. Now I have to work on fixing that math test that I completely bombed. Wish me luck, and I'll talk to you all later.

Today was pretty good I'd say. I got to all my classes on time, and work. I also had a pretty decent time in all my classes. In English we pretty much had a continuation of yesterdays converstation, except it was more directed to the issue of compacting information into power point. It was good. After this... I went back to my room to relax. I heated up some chi tea and sipped it down to some soothing music. Then I went to religion class. It was great cause we had a one question quize. The answer was Moses... and we also watched a good portion of Chalton Heston's The Ten Commandments. After that, Matt and I went to the Curb Cafe with Matt to eat. I'm honestly tired of regular caf food so this was kind of a plus for me. After that I didn't really do much. I talked to my sister Grace on the phone, and then I went to Bible study and to a frat meeting. Now I am back... and am about to start typing my micro theme for English class tomorrow. Good stuff, but all they need to get better is a bowl of ramen noodles which I think I am about to heat up. I also get to sleep in tomorrow cause my boss is gone till after fall break, so I don't have any work till then! Good times, and good night ladies!

Would you like to know what I did today? Okay, well then listen up. Today wasn't that great to start with. First off, I woke up at 9:03... work starts at 9:00 on tuesdays... do the math. On a related topic, the big math test that I was studying for last night was today... and I failed without a doubt. The up side though, is that one of my frat bro's, Chris, is going to tutor me, so don't worry mom... I'm going to pass. Soon after the failed test, I went to English and it was pretty good. I got to express some of my theories (which I have alot). We were talking about taking a 100 page book and putting it into a 100 word paragraph (basically, summarizing stories, like cliff notes). My argument was that we regretably live in a world today that only cares about results. Employers don't hire you to think, they just hire you to do what you are told. In short, If you think freely from that of which you were told to do, and you mess up, you are putting your job in jeapordy. This bad little seed is put in our brains from the earliest time of our education. Honestly, tell me what grade school was about. The only thing that was important was the test you took, and the grade you made on it. Do you remember those projects on the poster boards that we so often had to do? I always did mine the night before, and in a hurry. The next day for presentation, you would see the posters of those girls that you know spent alot of time on theirs, embroidering it in rhyne stones and making pretty bubble letters with different designs in each. When results came back, we got the same grades. That was the nature of the beast of education. I'm not saying that this specific example applies in the work force because obviously she will be able to increase her rate of pay with the kind of presentations she puts out, but my next example does apply to the real world. Book reports: those dreaded book reports. It wasn't untill I got "smart" that I got good grades on these babies. Now, I'm not a cheater, but I do pretty well when it comes to finding legal loop holes. You know those AP tests where the teacher always said "You can't pass this test unless you read every page!"? Well, I found ways around that. My greatest ally in high school was a websight called antistudy.com. It has every single kind of cliff note ever written for most every book. NO LIE! I think I only read two books during high school... both of which I enjoyed, but when it came down to it, the teachers just liked the results of the tests on the books that I did cliff note studies on. I think part of that is because public school teachers are controlled by the state, so grades are more important to them. Here in college, grades aren't as important, and the teachers can really teach without having to follow guidelines. I in no way condone this, but it's how I see it. Let's finish of the day, shall we? I found out ten minutes before computer class that I had a paper due... I THOUGHT it was due thursday, but no. You know what I did? I was so determined not to have a bad day (grade wise) that I raced back to my room and typed that paper (a darn good one too, WITH a bibliography) in twenty minutes. That's a dangerous thing to know you can do (quote by Matt). I agree, but I ran that paper back to class, twenty minutes late, and nobody was there but for one lady. She said that class was cancled because the professor was sick! I hope she feels better, but I just found that incredibly ironic. I had to laugh... then I had to eat dinner, go to Refuge, go to the store to get groceries, and come back and have tea time and go to bed... Now I would like to appologize for that sentence because it was horrible and I would also like to go to bed... Later!

OH NO! I just tried to type this, but it erased, so here we go again! We'll get things rollin by first discussing the weekend. It was a great weekend, but I didn't get as much sleep as I would have liked. I suppose the highlights were that I bought a new phone (# 615-460-2338 ... give me a call)! Aaron took me to Target and we bought Chris, my roommate, a plunger as a gift. He isn't quite as fond of it as Matt, but that's another story. Another big deal was the cleaning of the room... It's big now... really! We can see the floor, it's decorative, and now I'm pretty sure the ladies will start talking to me. See, Tennessee and/or other girls don't really like talking to me, or maybe... I just don't like talking to them... After all, my heart belongs to the Sweet Carolina Girls! But enough about my insanely romantic life... Let's talk about English class for a moment. Today we discussed e-mail and how we should catagorize it. Do we like it? Does it mean as much as writing? This brought out a lengthy conversation in which no one was really right, but we all walk out with a good grade. If only math class were this way... I'd be doing GREAT! OH! I almost forgot! Me and the fellas stayed up to the wee hours this weekend playing none other than my favorite middle school pass time... NO! not Bond... it was Risk... Good times if you ask me. Aaron won, and so did Chris... Matt is stuck in a state of disallusionment because he THINKS he won. I however won first, so that makes me kind. They are but my loyal subjects. Jeremy... Jeremy just wanted Greenland... He's our hall Viking, and my ride home for fall break, so tell you what. Jeremy is an amazing person. He fixes computers, and his beard is the most amazing phenominon that ye will ever witness. It burns with the red of a thousand suns. It's all the rage amongst the ladies, but I haven't quite mastered that field yet. This morning was nice in a way. It was Founders Day for my frat, so we all went to the Pancake Place for breakfast... only at 7 in the morning! All I remember is discussions about girls... It was very early, and I usually don't talk about girls, but I did. I was talking to a guy from Vanderbilt about how I don't fight for the ladies. "I leave that up to the other guys." then he said "Well that means you're gunna be single. You have to be a lover and a fighter." I said "On the contrary, mediocre lovers have to be fighters, but when you can woo the ladies like me, fighting is obsolete." I then confidentally went about eating my omelete. Today was fast though. I went to class... worked... went to class some more... Jeremy fixed my computer... I went back to class... ate dinner... recorded some music... studied... wrote my online journal... drank my green tea... and went to bed.

Today was one of those days that's all mixed up. It had its ups, and of course, its downs. For instance, I woke UP, and then I hopped DOWN off of the top bunk (I landed safely, don't worry). But seriously, work was fine. If I didn't already mention this, I work for Dr. Bulla as a secretary. It's basic work, but I feel like I'm good at it, so it doesn't stress me out or anything. Sometimes the hours get long, especially on Fridays when I work four hours, but I'd like to leave it at this: There are jobs that are better, and there are jobs that are worse. Well... when I got off of work, my day pretty much started. My first class was Math. It is the class that I despise above all classes because I've been doing it for so long and I still don't understand it. Sometimes I feel like a defensless little lab hamster that is solving all sorts of problems, and the math gods, just to confuse me, constantly throw in an array of new laws and forms so that I might be eternaly lost in an abiss of numbers and symbols. To make things worse, when I was packing up to go to class, I realized that I left my $90 math book in the cafeteria... TWO DAYS AGO! One would think I would have paniced, but no... I no longer panic in situations like these, instead, I half expect them to arise on a regular basis. You see, I lack... what's the word I'm looking for... ah yes, common sense. I will leave things in places, and unlike most people, I won't even think about them until days or weeks have passed. Instead of getting all huffy about it, I simply stand back and smile at life. After math class I looked and looked for my book, realizing that if I could not find it, I would not be able to afford my frat dues. I checked the caf. and it wasn't there. Then I checked the book store to see if some foolhardy student had found it and sold it for a hefty profit. Thankfully this was not so... but still... where was my book? I eventually went back to my room to collect my thoughts and I headed out once more to the caf. explaining my situation to the workers there. When I said $90, they pulled me to the side and showed me this secret lost-and-found. I felt a sense of great joy and awe as the door swung open to this... this portal of mystery, and lo and behold... my books, red... beautiful (well... not that beautiful, they're math books). Shortly there after, English class was soon upon me. Class today was a discussion on arguments. Arguments are my kryptonite. I will make myself look like a complete idiot before I humble myself in an argument and accept defeat. We discussed how pictures can be a means for arguments, but my stance on that is that they aren't a very good basis for an argument because there is no definitive line drawing out the boundaries of the argument. It was a very educational time. We also got a new paper to work on which I will NOT procrastinate on! My next class was the next down point. Computer fundamentals was a drag. I got in there and immediately got my rough draft back for a paper we have been doing in there. At the top a note was written for me (when have lengthy notes at the tops of papers ever been good?). The note was odd because it scolded me for being ignorant enough to think that computers weren't around until Bill Gates came about and that the same went with music technology. Unfortunately, my paper was entirely written about the fact that both can be traced back to the Renaissance period. I only stated that Bill Gates was responsible for a huge growth spurt in the world of computer technology, so I don't exactly know what went on in the grading of that paper. I'll just do what is required though. After all, she's the teacher and I... I am a simple pawn in the game of higher education. You would think this would be bad enough (at least... I think you would think that it would be bad enough), but there was more. We had a substitute teacher and a pop quiz at the same time. Did we do something bad? I don't know, but my grade definitely won't forget this day. AFTER ALL THIS, I went to a convocation seminar at the Belmont mansion, in which they lured us in by telling us that it would be about ghost stories. This tickled my curiosity enough to get me there, but I honestly wanted to turn around and go home when I found out that it was a complete lie. The seminar lasted almost two hours, and about (I kid you not) 10 minutes of it was used for A ghost story. ONE, UNO, SINGLE! ... Well I have two defense mechanisms for when people waste my time. My first one might be to get very angry with them because NO ONE wastes my time! I know it sounds cocky, and I'm trying to get over it, but it's definitely one of my pet peves. The other mechanism is to fall asleep... which I did... and I still got the convo credit... (I really hope I didn't drule on that pretty girl sitting next to me)... Anyways, speaking of sleep...

Today was CRAZY!!! Where should I start? I don't know, but this is probably all going to come out in bits and pieces. I woke up at ten thirty this morning because I was planning on taking the day off to go get myself looked at by someone of the medical profession. In order for this to take place I had to call and make an appointment with the Vanderbuilt clinic, but I they couldn't see me until Monday! I just told them I was going to go to the ER at their hospital, so I did. I got Aaron to take me... in his Land Rover :) and I did all of the paper work and sat there for an hour in trioge (don't annoy me with your spelling critiques. I'm 19 1/2, I already know I can't spell and I don't need you to re-affirm that for me... sorry about that). Finally they got a bed ready for me and I got to go in and stip down into one of those revealing little hospital gowns... I cheated though, and left my underwear and socks on :) ...However, later on, due to the complications of my illness, I was humiliated anyways, and it didn't matter that I was still wearing undergarments... They are doctors with much more education than I, so mere boxers didn't stop them from striping me of all dignity. I wonder if they are sinister enough to actually laugh at my feble attempts to protect myself right before they enter the door of my room. Well... that's all you get to hear about that... I'll just entertain you with the other stuff that went on during this time. I basically did a great deal of waiting where upon I watched my first soap opera on tv. I was too lazy to get up and change the channel by hand, and there was no remote. I also passed a little time playing old school videogames on my PDA. This was not my first time going to the hospital as a patient, but it was my first time going by myself. It was pretty neat, but I wouldn't like to do it again. I'm feeling light hearted about it though. If you get to know me well enough, you'll be able to see that I'm light hearted about most things. It takes alot to get me riled up because I have a long fuse, but I've heard it said that the longer the fuse, the bigger the bomb, so don't test it out. I did have to come back and face reality though, which was a day of missed classes. I have an exam to make up on Friday thus far, and who knows what else I missed. As I close, I would like to give a special shout out to the two guys that looked out for me today, even though they did harass me about my visit. Aaron and Camren, thanks yous guys. Well tomorrow is a new day with new medication, and new things to laugh at, so I'll keep you posted. Here's a quick quote: "You never rest. Fighting the battle of who could care less."-Ben Folds.
Strange...yes, but applicable.

I am very sick... I am taking the day off to go to the hospital and get checked out... I will make sure to fill you in on all the details in my next journal, but just so I get credit in English for this entry... Today we discussed how much you can tell from some one's hand writing. It was interesting to see that most, but not all of the time, people were able to guess gender from the handwriting styles. And just for a note of optimism (though pain is more on my mind right now) the recording sessions have thus far gone very well. I am extremely pleased with the results and would like to thank all of those who helped me get it going. This is not the one that will be heard though. We have yet to do the recording at RCA Studios which will be in November sometime. There will be a full (and I mean full) band for this last take and then we'll do overdubbing, and the final mixdown. I'm very anxious for you all to hear it. I'm almost so excited I have even considered giving away the foundational meaning to the song and the song itself to the one whom I specifically wrote it for (don't you hate it when I put stuff like this in my journal??? I know you do... and that's what drives me to do it :) ), but the more I consider that and what could come of it, the more I am persuaded to take a more rational approach, and plead the fifth. NOW pleading the fifth seems like on of the better ideas i've had all day... good night to all and to all a good night.