if you see me tomorrow, i'll most likely be wearing a hat. why, you might ask? ahh, i'm glad you did because now i can tell you it is because belmont wishes to shut off the north lawn's water tomorrow. yes, no poopie, no peepee, and no showers for a good portion of a day. are classes cancled? no! they are NOT cancled. i will be continuing on with my schedule tomorrow as if all was right as rain. so, agian, why will i be wearing a hat? the answer is this. because the showers will not be functioning tomorrow i had to take one tonight. now i am about to go to bed and my hair is still wet and therefore will be impossible to shape in any fashion tomorrow. i will have hair sticking out in every direction. simple solution: hat. now about today. i wrote music today for the first time in a long time. my creative juices were flowing and i used any and everything in my room that i could turn in to an instrument. it's a ground breaking song for me. i even like the lyrics, but they have yet to go through the deciding process which is a night's sleep. if i wake up in the morning and i still like the lyrics, then ca-ching! i'm keepin em. now i was recording and my parents called in the middle. i stopped it and answered, but i accidentally hit the off button instead of the on. sorry mom and dad. i also had a ring in my recording which didn't really bother me because i had lots of weirder stuff than that in there, but it accidentally got erased. now i'm going to bed. if i don't get enough sleep for tomorrow i'm going to die. i really would like to start off the week well instead of chaotic, which tends to happen on a regular basis due to my habbit of ensamnia (don't check the spelling). oh, and that reminds me. i looked at that psychological quiz and the different personality types and it said that a certain characteristic of the one personality type that i supposidly don't get along with is a person who can't focus past the exterior of a delivery to see the bigger picture, a.e. correcting my spelling when it doesn't really matter. that drives my contrasting personality NUTS! so if you are my contrasting personality and you have noticed that my journals are full of mizspelz and you have actually endured this far to read... then sorry. i'm sure we'll learn to get along some day... but not now. now i must go to sleep and thing about things much higher than not having running water tomorrow (as if i couldn't tough it after my mission trip to mexico four years ago... guatemala and africa: running water. mexico? no running water and dust every where) maybe i'll go crazy tomorrow on purpose and do something really excentric. to all my loyal fans, you will just have to wait and see. anyways i hope to dream tonight about what to do about my relationship life. i fear that i may no longer be able to publish it in my journal anymore. they're watching... they're always watching... but i am really vexed right now and i don't think it is totally necessary... whatever... goodnight my pretties.

finally, a saturday where i can relax and not have to worry about a thing! that's right, not a thing. last night after i got off from work and a couple of guys were having a boxing match in the lobby with hockey helmets and hockey gloves. i had a little bit of agression i needed to relieve so i picked a fight with the biggest guy on my hall, and maybe even in the entire dorm. i thought to myself that i would be able to do well being that i was a national champion sparrer in taekwondo, but i soon remembered why that was. i'm a kicker, and this fight was just taking blows to the head. you couldn't even hit to the body, so i was at a bit of a disadvantage needless to say. i got a few good hits on him, and i wanted to kick him so bad, but he rocked my world. the only thing i really had going for me was endurance. i took a good 10 blows to the head by a 6'2" 210lbs man, but the good thing was, despite an almost black eye and a few concussions that are still giving me a headache, i felt alot better. now the concussions lead in to the rest of the story because when you get a concussion you should never lie down soon after, so i had to find some stuff to do to keep me up. the guys were all watching "so i married an ax murderer" so i joined in and had a few good laughs. after that we decided to go to walmart. i really did need to go even though it was one in the morning, to get some groceries because i have to catch a ride since i don't have my own set of wheels. if everyone else goes at 1 am, then so do i. well, we got there and we did our shopping thing. i decided that it was time to purchase some cleaning materials as it is getting to the end of the semester and i'm going to be doing alot of that soon. i also bought a few snack foods, and i got a shower head... yes, a shower head. see, the shower heads in our bathroom really really stink. there is awsome water pressure in the building, but the shower heads mess it up. these were only three bucks so i bought one to test it out and sure enough, it's amazing what you can do if you don't depend on belmont to do it for you. i'm thinking about going up and down the hall to take donations so we can get new shower heads on all of the showers because that would be just swell. anyways, today i woke up at 1:30 pm. usually i feel bad when i do this because i've wasted half of my day. this is true, but sleep really is an essential to me right now and today i enjoyed every minute of it. as soon as i woke up i tried out the new shower head and went out side with my fellows to play monopoly and smoke our bubble pipes that we got at walmart for a dollar. we had our group of lady friends near by doing their lady things, and one of the ones i was kind of looking at that i told you about last night was there too. i leaned in to a huddle with my guys and i asked 1) if she was seeing anyone and 2) if any of them were interested in her already. to my relieved ears she was not seeing anyone, but (and there is always a but) to my dismay one of them already had his eyes set on her and i don't do my friends like that so i backed off. BACK to monopoly! i played with skill and percision but i didn't win. i was doing really well though, we just had to call the game after four hours because i had to go to work. right now i am working. you don't know how much i just wanted to stay in the quad, even by myself if i could have, just enjoying the spring air, but alas i must make money and all of my jobs here at school are in doors. but with a little bit of dr. thunder by my side, some cheese nips, and my frat bro clayton going to wendy's to pick me up some double stacks, i think i'll be just fine. it is kind of nice to be able to type journals while i'm working. it helps time go by faster even though the clock only says eight minutes have passed... i'm pretty confident that it is wrong and i am right. those ladies i was talking about are going country line dancing tonight though, but i can't go because once again i'm here at the desk. but i should be thankful. i'm making money here so i can stay at belmont and observe this phenominon i call "woman". who is she? what is she doing here? and why can't i communicate audibly with her? these are all answers that i am determined to get to the bottom of. college education is just a means to an end. to understand women is surely the true lesson here. why else would they make us pay so much to get it? it is obvious! i can't believe i never saw this before! okay, is there anything else i could say that is of some importance (as if that last little bit was)? well, i'll be coming home in a few days (about two weeks i guess) and i'll be 20 at about that time too, so there's lots to look forward to. the only down side is that i'm behind in history so i'd better be thinking about how i can make up for all that. i'll talk to y'all later. there's not much more i can say and typing this journal is getting kinda old. peace and love

do you ever spend a bit of time thinking about the past and how you did stuff that you just can't believe you did? the mindset that you would have to have to do something like that, you just can't believe that you had it. i think maybe i've been thinking alot about it lately because i've done so much changing since i've been here. there are things that i did last summer that i consider stupid and childish, but i don't think about it in a sense to bring myself down, but instead to consider where i've been. when you can look back and see where you have been, there generally is a trend in, though not perfectly clear, where you are going. i was looking at psychology, more specifically typology, tonight while working the desk just trying to get to know myself a little better. at first i thought those things were stupid like those quizzes in seventeen magazine, but when i look at other people and myself according to the discriptions given, there is some truth to it. for instance, if you know who likes who in your special environment and those folks have taken the jung typology test (which is a real psychological analasys test that you'll learn about in psych class) at http://www.humanmetrics.com, then you can just take a look at who they are defined as and who their "companions" are most likely to be, and it aint too far off. it's atleast worked in two seperate cases and i'm still working on a third. so who cares right? i don't know, but i think it's time to change the subject. today was fast and friday, which is always a good thing. this morning i got excused from first period so i could go sing at morningside nursing home with phi mu alpha. i sang my rendition of "when a man loves a woman" but i was soarly dissappointed because my time was off and i messed up the words. i really don't like failure at music. i can roll just about anything off of my shoulder, but when i mess up in music it means that i'm neglecting one of my favorite things to do. speaking of which, i'm serious about exploring a new shape of music. i've been listening to alot of bright eyes lately. he is an outstanding lyricyst and composer but i wouldn't recommend listening to him if weakness to possibly depressing music is a characteristic that discribes you. a downside to his music is he can't really sing that well, but he's got the kind of music where i can just sit there for a good long time and pick it appart in my brain. it doesn't even matter that he's got a shaky voice. infact after a while you begin to enjoy it. continuing with my day though... it was just a beautiful day; warm and sunny. i had a real hard time going to class but i got through it. after that i sat in my room and played guitar for a while and then i went on a walk with the viking down to an old book store. it was pretty neat. i had never been to a used book store before. there were all kinds of really old books that were in really good condition, but the problem that remains in the light of this discovery is that i don't read recreationally. i almost, ALMOST, regret it, but then again i'm in college and i still get by pretty well so who knows. i suppose, since i have tons of time, i'll talk about ladies. yes, spring is now upon us so it is only fitting that i should be noticing the fairer sex. i'm starting to hang out more with ladies now than i have before and i've actually met some here that i'm kind of interested in despite my previous notions. now i will never mention names. i'm pretty much fine with telling almost everything about myself on line, but i can't say the same for other people, but here it is. it's a funny story occuring last week. a bunch of my hall guys went to centennial park to play capture the flag at the world's fair monument with some ladies from a neighboring female dorm. there was one girl on my team and two on the other, and we go this bright idea for that since there were a bunch of couples walking around the park together that the other team started to ignore, that girl and i would act like a couple and walk around the park to look for the flag. we held hands and had our arms around eachother and would give fake hugs for reconossance. there were even close calls where we would FAKE (and the key word here is fake) kissing so that the suspicious "enemy" would disreguard it with the subconscious idea that it would be too extreme to go to that level. well, y'all back home know me and know that i don't really have a strong constitution around the ladies so i was shivering the whole time. i told her it was because i was cold, but i was actually way nervous. she's a really nice girl though, but i think she is seeing someone, so that's automatically off limits. now there's another girl that has been hanging out with my group of fellas lately too, and she is very nice as well. i'm going to hang out with her a bit more to find out more about her, but i probalby will end up doing the same thing i always do. i tend to rationalize away my attractions because i'm afraid of them, so i think of really good reasons as why i shouldn't get involved. now this methodology has saved me alot of trouble in the past, but there's got to be an end to it. i just don't know when it will be. but who cares right? i'm in college and i don't really need any of it anyways. i'm still a bit young to be thinking about stuff like this. i should just have fun and not worry... by now you might be in agreeance with me, but this was just an example of my rational. i don't know, i'll get over it someday. i'm sure if a girl just looks at me a certain way i'll be fine, but as of now lots of girls come up and talk to me, but when i open my mouth they make excuses as to why they have to go. on a closing note, girls when you all make excuse, it means the same to a guy as you just flat out telling the truth, so why don't you? peace and love

have you ever gotten tea in your ear? well i did today. it was a beautiful day outside so i decided to have a one man picknick in the quad. after i finished my wrap i lied down flat on my back under a tree and just hummed to myself for a while just before i got another bright idea to try to drink my tea flat on my back. it worked at first, but then i got a little too fast and confident and i spilled it all down my face and in to my ears. but it was far to lovely outside for me to care, even though i did it in front of almost half the school, so i just laughed. i also got payed today from vandy for all my hard sufferings and passings out on the floor, so financially i'm secure for now. now i have to pay off debt though which should be fun. two minutes later i got in a fight with my roommate. we haven't really talked to eachother all semester and things finally came to a head today. the details are not important, but i've only yelled at two people outside of my family in my entire life up to this point. i think genetically i am predisposed to be stubborn in arguments. my heart knows i shouldn't continue but my brain far too enjoys the adrenal rush i get from verbal fights. this is why i generally like being nonconfrontational. it's not because i'm afraid of confrontation, but because i would get addicted to it if i let myself to too far. i know that sounds weird, and it is. i feel both exilirated and horrible at the same time when the dust settles. i realized how long it's been since i fought though. i haven't felt like that in a long time and now i remember why. i don't even think any of my best friends have ever heard me yell. my family has, but i think as far as actual yelling goes even they would have to admit that i don't do it that often. but later on i appologised to him and we made peace. we were both kinda in the wrong, but now i feel better about the whole situation. i also later tonight got to talk with one of my hall buddies about our Christian walks and our concerns. i can't think of a more satisfying topic to discuss one on one. even though i don't make the conversation quite as often as i should, i always feel a greater sense of understanding when i walk away. tomorrow shall be a new day. i have arranged a song for my fraternities music mission in the old folks home. it's "when a man loves a woman" by percy sledge, but i've taken the liberty to nathanize it to something that i can better express my style through. i haven't had any inspiration for recording lately though, but i think that might change with the weather. with every ray of sunshine i feel just plain better about life. i think i've been pressuring myself to write a certain way lately too, which is never good. i always get overly concerned about what other people would think about my music. that's what people who want to be famous do, and God knows i don't want to be famous. i just want to write music that brings back emotions or memories for me and maybe provokes serious thought from others. and just a tid bit of information for you, if you are displeased with Christian music lately, sadly enough, the church is actually at fault. there are so many rules and regulations that music must meet to get aired. it seems to only minister to the saved instead of the lost. music like that isn't accepted. it was dishartening to learn that it is very difficult to be an artist and a Christian musician at the same time and make it in the business. record labels want what sells and right now what sells is stuff that doesn't make you think too hard, stuff that can have no question as to its blatantly obvious meaning, and stuff pretty much reitterates the same concepts in the usual 1,3,4 chord progression just in a different key with synthesized drums, and keyboard effects along with the classic pop voice processors such as compression, auto tune (mics that actually make you sing on pitch... yes, anyone) reverb, echo, and fx unit sounds. that is why i've been discouraged lately as to whether or not i want to put my name to that or not. my only qualm is the rejection i might face if i were to wade in to uncharted waters. i'm just sick of comfort. i'm sick of traditional "turn off your brain" music, and the more i learn about it, the stronger my emotions become. i look at Jesus and i see a guy who wasn't the norm and who didn't come to save the well but the needy. the followers of the law and tradition criticized him all the time and eventually had him killed. so i guess the question isn't "should a change occur?" but instead "why should i be afraid of rejection?" food for though... peace and love

so i haven't done a new journal in a long time. i'll give you that. there's just been so much going on around here. first off, last week was one of the worst weeks of my life, but i'm not complaning, and you'll hear why in a minute, but i really need to juice this thing for all it's worth before i say anything else. for starters i had two exams last week as soon as i got back from spring break. that was just a shame. i studied for 11 hours in psychology and got in there to take the exam and felt horrible about it. i felt like i had studied all that time in vain. next on the list is dissappointment. i found out last week that two of my friends, one of which talked me in to coming here in the first place, can't come next year because of money issues. i clearly understand the money issues. i don't think more than 20% of the students that go here actually go here comfortably, but it sort of bothered me that they were indifferent about it, and it bothered me that all the plans i had for next year weren't going to come to pass. the next news on the agenda was money related also. the school decided to up and take $1000 of my scholarship money with no reason sent to me. it was here, now it isn't. i wasn't quite sure why they would do such a thing. i mean i have done way better acedemically than anyone, myself included, expected, and i've kept up with all my credit hours. related to thisk, i was told to consider finding another school, prefferably one cheaper than belmont, to go to to finish my studies. i looked at montreat as far as their music business program goes and decided against that. i'm not even sure if they have their own music studio, let alone the connections here in nashville. and the program itself, or as far as the music part is concerned, is completely up to the student to learn. well, from taking music business courses already i've learned that there is no way you can teach yourself the business in four years by yourself, so i thought, if i leave belmont and i want to stay in school in the south east, i will seriously have to consider changing my major. i though, maybe i'll change my major to just business and go to chappel hill... but that thought ended up depressing me, but atleast they have a phi mu alpha chapter there. finally, the last straw on the cammel's back was my schedule. i had no time last week for anything, so i decided to make time. i really just needed to blow off steam and i can't really do that around lots of people, so i quarenteined myself to my room for an afternoon and just kicked back. it was nice and it got me back on track a little bit. as for the ra position, i had pretty much decided not to get my hopes up on that because my interviews and participation didn't go as well as i knew they could have gone, and there were plenty of people there that were perfectly capable of doing a fabulous job. anyways, sunday was my last day of darkness. i was skeptical of monday, but i just prayed for a while sunday night for my situation. i prayed that i would know where i would be by the next day. now these kinds of prayers are particularly hard for me becuase my faith is small in receiving something so huge within a time limit, but it was genuine. the next day i went on doing the monday things that i do waiting for the ra news to come and it did. i went down to open the letter and what did i find? i got in, i'm going to be an ra here at pembroke hall next year which means that i won't have to pay for my room, which means i'll have enough $ to stay. that's a prayer being answered in my book, and miraculous at that. needless to say, this week is going a whole lot better, and i've learned alot, both about myself physically and spiritually. hope all of you are still awake after reading this, and if you are, have a great day. peace and love

ok ok ok, i'm back now and i know i said i'd fill you in as soon as i got back... but i'm just too tired right now. on the long drive home i also realized just how much i have to do still to finish off this quarter strong, and believe me, it's alot. tomorrow is going to be a full day of work and organization for mr nathan, but hopefully by wednesday i'll have some spare time. i really do have lots to tell you and show you though. i plan on altering my older website to feature only my spring break photos and the stories that go along with them. when it's ready, i'll simply place a link in that journal entry and you can feast with your eyes all you want. for now, i've got to figure out some way to get food. i'm kinda broke, but i get a pay check tomorrow i hope (gulp). if that doesn't work out for me, i've got a year supply of ramen to last me until the caf re-opens. just to let you know, this spring break has introduced alot of new thought in to my mind about myself. lot's of new questions asked and new characteristics realized, so i've got my hands full if i'm going to be able to mix all of that in with the physical aspects of the trip. i probably could write an entire novel on it if i wished, but i won't... i guess i can't just leave you hanging for today. hmm... what should i tell you. okay, i'll tell you what i did today. we all woke up in orlando at about 7 this morning eastern time to clean up. after we got the sheets all washed and put back on the beds we were out of there by 9 and were on the road for a good 11 hours. during that time we went through countless cd's. i slept for most of the first quarter of the drive, but that was good because i ended up on the driving shift through atlanta. would you believe that there was a traffic jam?!? oh yeah... wait... atlanta, right. a funny thing happened though which went quite well with a sub-theme for the trip. two girls were driving by in a car. they were feeling very flirtatious and decided to take a picture of me. then the felt all shy and embarrassed which flattered me quite well. however, on the trip, i was flirted with by many girls. they would smile at me and come up and talk to me, but then after a few awkward silences, they would loose themselves in the crowd never to be seen again. this provides me with one conclusion. i must be decent for eye candy, but once i open my mouth, it's another story all together. i guess the "almost strong silent type" isn't in anymore. oh well, you all know me and what a crazy foo i can be if asked the right questions. until tomorrow ladies and gentlemen, peace and love.

okay, so i'm at disney world right now. i want to tell you all about everything, but at the same time i also would like to spare david's phone line of any long and drawn out immagry that i am tempted to use. i promise that i will give a full report of my trip and the ideas that have flowed through my head while i've been down here. first thing is first though. the trip down didn't seem long at all. i think that's because we switched off driving responsibility between the three of us. on the way down, i'd say about 40 minutes out of atlanta, we ran in to an accident that had just occurred. there was an suv that had come from the opposite way that was turned over in the median and had thrown all the passangers out. though we didn't see it happen the wheels were still spinning and no ems had arrived yet, so we stopped to help. it was one of the first outside of my profession emergencies i've ever had to deal with. at the same time though, it made me feel helpless. the victims were three girls, probably seniors in high school. i could do nothing to help them immediately because i suspected possible spinal injury. two of the girls were laying down including the driver while the other was able to stand but was very shaken about the whole incident. the driver was totally unaware of where she was, what day it was, or what her name was. she had serious trama to the head and was complaining of back pain. the other girl that was lying down was aware but when i asked her if she could feel her toes, she said no. in all the chaos there were people there that were both trained and just nosing around. there was alot of chaos that i and a few of the other certified folks around were trying to calm. one of the people actually called the parents of the driver and let her scream in pain into the phone some unaudible sentences. that was horrible. i couldn't immagine what it would be like to be a parent and to hear your child crying like that on the other end. it was also that girls birthday. after the ems got there, there was nothing more we could do so we packed up and went on our way. we got to our destination about 1am eastern time. it is beautiful down here. it looks just like a village off of pleasantville. the weather is suspected to be clear for the entire break down here, it's just the right temperature (80's), and i'm thus far having the time of my life. i hope all of you are having a wonderful spring break as well, and agian. i'll keep you posted on my return to belmont wednesday night. i also suspect that i will be updating my pembroke website before school starts back with all the pictures from here and the fraternity. i'm going now. we're about to watch joe vs the volcano after a long day at mgm. peace and love...

i'm back from the hostpital and the check is in the mail. yes, it was a dirty job, but somebody had to do it, and that somebody was me. The $900 the job payed is mine also as a little side note, but that money is going to tuition despite how tempted i am to spend it on something else. yesterday's stay was alot easier than the first time. i found out that the first time was when i got the medication so i think that might explain why my heart was extra reactive. it was still above average today, but not nearly as emphasized. the test routine was the same. do nothing for 25 minutes and then run the pupil sizing test and the brain awareness test for five minutes and so on for 12 hours. i think part of the reason it went faster this time though was because they let me watch movies. it was information that i wasn't given the first time. it turns out that they have a whole movie archive, so i watched tarzan (the cartoon one), forrest gump, part of meet the parents, rush hour, and chicken run. i could only watch part of meet the parents because that movie is more depressing than funny. so much bad stuff happens to that poor guy, i just can't stand to watch it. anyways, the hardest part of the whole day, as i believe i said last time, is taking off the ekg pads. those things are sticky. this time i took a shower to get them off so even though it hurt, i was able to better manage the pain. now it looks like i have hickies all over my body, like i made out with a big mouth bass. i have one on each boob, one below my left boob, and two to the left and right of my bellybutton. i did manage to find a good use for the spots though. when my nurse brought me my night time snack i found that the sticky spots made for good holders, so i attached my bag of potatoe chips to my left pectoral and reached in at my leasure to get some chips. now i'm home, and i'm packing for disney world because i'm leaving at 2:00. as for the immediate present, i think i shall shower off to get rid of the hospital smell. anyways, i'll fill you in on my trip. peace and love.

okay, so i'm trying this out. for the very first time i'm writing my journal way early in the day. not because i'm going to bed right now, but because i don't expect anything else noteworthy to happen today. mostly today was pretty nice and incredibly short. i went to my first class and got out in no time, took a nice long hot shower and then went to my second class. this was music business, but my professor was on vertigo medication and he was really strung out. it wasn't much of a lesson because he was merely rambling and asking deep questions with a slur in his speech. i thought it was funnier than most things in life, but he did manage to communicate one thing. our class is supposed to find some guy/girl musician/songwriter from anywhere, record them, build their album, and then get them signed to a major label. sounds pretty cool huh? well that's not all. after we were told this little tidbit of information the professor left and we were left to organize. it was then that my class elected me as the president of this committee. i'm excited about it. i think it will be fun. besides, this is what i'm going to be doing for the rest of my life, so i really want to test the waters. i may even start my own publishing/recording company over the summer depending on how successful i am at this. we'll see. anyways after that class ended i went to vanderbilt to pick up the viking from his medical study. he let me drive his car which was nice. i always enjoy a nice car ride every once-in-a-while. we got back to campus at about one, so since i was already late to my history class i decided just to skip it and get some other important stuff done. laundry was on my list of things to do today because i'm going to be in the hospital all day tomorrow finishing up my medical study so i won't be able to pack for florida at all after now. anyways, i'm going to watch a movie now and fold cloths so i can pack em up. i plan on only wearing pajamas tomorrow so i won't have to get anything else dirty before spring break. as for tomorrow i plan on being thuroughly board, but i'm going to try to do two things. i'm going to try to study for psychology, and i'm going to try to play my guitar even though i'll be wearing about 18 different wires. well folks, that's all for now, and maybe even all for until after spring break, we'll see. peace and love.

i really need spring break, and as spring has been in the air lately with this lovely weather we've been having, i've taken notice to a few new things. today's topic is going to be tanning. tanning beds have become ever popular lately, especially around college campuses. there is a point, however, when tanning becomes more than just tanning, but another way that people start to vent their low self-esteem. you can see em around campus with just a quick left to right pan across the quad. THERE are the two groups related to this topic; those who buy thier tan, and those who do not. there are distinct differences between the two, though often times the controlled tanners get away with just being lightly shaded and still manage to fit in with the "do nots". what i see when i look around is the occasional... let's say... about 10% of the student body that has taking tanning to what i think is an unhealthy level. and the thing is is that you could probably get away quicker with convincing me that you made your store bought apple pie from scratch at home before you could convince me that a tanning bed tan is natural. it's just that the tanning bed tans look so bronzy and orange and exactly even all over the body. i don't know if you've noticed or not, but there are certain parts of the body that should naturally stay a little lighter shade than other parts. for example, the sun naturally tans the upper part of the arm while the underbelly, though shaded slightly, usually stays a proportionately lighter color. also, if when you have a dark tan, there is no color distinction between your face and say... your armpit... you probably are going to be spotted as a fake. also, if you get too tan, you tend to look like a well beaten saddle bag coated in a dark orange. see, i was pondering over all this at breakfast this morning. i noticed my self looking at some ladies and wondering what they would look like without their tans, and i started to like this idea. i know that they probably just want a nice tan before spring break so that they look good in a bathing suit, but as with most things, i think there is a line that can be crossed. i am, of course, not the one to judge. back when i lifeguarded at the city pool all summer, i didn't wear sun screen and i pretty much went trans-race. i was DARK! but it was a natural dark. you could tell by looking at me and the way that my tan was shaded that it was a sun tan and not a booth tan. my dermatologist sure did notice. a few years ago during the summer i went to see one and he said that i looked all good after the check-up, but that he would see me in thirty years for skin cancer. my basic summary or moral from all this speech is this: strive to be comfortable with your natural beauty. anyone can put on tons of makeup or bake in a tanner for hours on end and look good, but when you overkill like that you advertise your lack of self-esteem, and in so doing, you loose the respect of others, more so at a subconcious level, but never-the-less it's not there like it should be. ladies, what good is it to have the eye of every guy when none of those guys respect you as a person and just want you for one thing? i'd say that the best bet for both teams is to be confident with yourself first and foremost and be patient and humble. the divorce rate in america is so high today mainly because people aren't confident so they go out and flaunt themselves all over the place tryin to make the opposite sex notice them. they then lead to exploiting willing person after willing person to continually feed their confidence lacking provoked addiction of being "liked" "sexy" "desireable" "femanin" or in guys cases "manly". it is after this that they meet who they think is their "special someone" and they get married. time passes and they realize that they can't give up their addiction, so they return to their "nomadic" lifestyles leaving in their wake nothing but heart ache, and broken homes. this is what is acceptable today in america. it won't be long now that the majority of people figure out, "what's the point of getting married if it's not going to last. all i gain from it is one more tax fee." i mean, look at where our culture is going. it's sick to think that this actually makes sense, but it does in the eyes of society, it's just not noticed yet. why is it all like this? because once again we cannot possibly live up to the american dream. it is unattainable and this is why our economy works so well. think about it. "well nathan, i've heard this ALLLL before so why don't you just go to bed and stop wasting my time!" okay fine then! i will! but don't expect to get an invitation to my birthday party! peace and love...

i like to make a habbit of giving my overviews of monday because quite often mondays seem to reflect the rest of the week for me. as you may know, this is spring break eve, so the week is probably going to go by a bit slower than most, but that's okay. now i'd like to start off talking about morning. this morning i decided to wake up early and get a shower and breakfast in before my nine o'clock class. now usually i just get up, don't even throw on any cloths other than my pj's, my slipper, an undershirt and my strongbad boggin cap, and go to class with my stank morning breath. i don't know what possessed me to get such a good start this morning, but i'm glad i did because it made the rest of the day feel pretty good. when i got to speech though, i was late and the door was locked. it was then that i realized that our new informative speech sessions had begun. my heart jumped in to my throat because i haven't even picked out a topic yet so i was going through my mind ready to ad-lib a six minut speech with no visual aid on a topic that i pulled out of nothing that is mouse extermination. thankfully that was not what unfolded. i found out that since i went first last time, i'm going last this time which means that my speech is due the 19th of this month. i am very releived at this news as you may immagine. now after classes, which by the by, my history class let out early which was nice, i went back to my room just to veg for a while. i got to talk to one of my lovely ladies from back home, brittany, about the goings on there, and she sent me some senior pictures of her this year. if you know her and haven't seen them yet i highly recommend it because they are quite amazing. for example; i usually keep my door open, and while i was looking at them deciding which one i liked the best, several guys came in and became extremely jelous upon learning that i actually know this girl. anyways, later on i got a bit nostalgic as i tend to do sometimes and i went through some home pictures. i pickup up my scrap book that my wonderful worship team made me before i left for here and i read all of their letters to me and looked at all the pictures. i got to thinkin that i have probably not been living up to their expectations of me. i guess i've just been going under so much change that i havent kept a tabs on what has been changing about me. i'm not THAT drastically different, but i still don't quite feel the same in areas of my life that i probably should still be the same. oh well... what else must i discuss. okay this thursday i'm going in for my last medical visit for the testing and stuff. remember to pray for me because... i don't really want to die (sarcasm don't worry about it) but it would be cool if i didn't pass out again. though it was a neat experience the first time, i'd rather not have a re-peat. i mean when they started carting in the heart defibulator and i woke up laying on the floor, that freaked me out a little bit. okay well, i'm gunna do whatever before i go to bed. i'd also like to announce that i will be coming home for easter for four days, so i might have the pleasure of seeing some of you then. ttfn, peace and love, the whole shabang...

folks, i must say that this week has flown by as fast or faster than the one before, and spring break has come in to a clearer view. all i have to do now is take my two midterms tomorrow and then i get a tiny little break. see, i'm going to lyrecrest with my fraternity, which is my fraternity's headquarters in indiana (evansville). it'll be my first time going to indiana, so that should be fun cuz then i can say that... i've been to indiana. it'll be a shame though that i won't get to see y'all taylorites. so close, yet so far away... just to let everyone know back home, it didn't snow here agian like they said it was. it's no big suprise though. i've learned something here that i wish to tell others. it does not snow in hell... nor does it snow in nashville. now i know comparing nashville and hell is a little sketch, but have you ever seen the roads here?!? they're crazy! lately things have been looking up in my life though... apart from the lack of snow that is. i was pretty sick last night, and i went to bed at nine o'clock which is about five hours earlier than usual, but i felt great today. i feel like things are picking up though simply because my mood is good. sure i was sick, but just ask the fellas cuz... i was having fun with it. i must say mission trips to guatemala can make you pretty open and relaxed about sickness. all the folks that have been there with me will probably snicker when i say that, but for the rest of you, i only ask that you blindly trust me because it's true. nothin much to really say now though, except for i aced a religion test! on that note... peace and love.

sorry i didn't talk yesterday. i had a really late and busy day with... well, with pretty much everything. right now i don't feel so good, but i'll try to explain everything reguardless. yesterday i was elected rush chair for my fraternity. it is a great honor, and i will do my best at it. today i went through classes as usual, but more tired than most days. i didn't go to sleep last night until three because david, one of my frat bros, wished to watch a movie with me. i knew i would regret not going to bed, but i think it's healthy to practice a little carefree spirit every now and then. between my classes today, i also got a little productive in that i made another web site more specifically for me to put my recorded music on. the url is http://www.angelfire.com/music5/guyandguitar. remember to sign my guest book when you visit, cuz i'd really like to know who's been and what they think. right now i think i'll go to bed early. i didn't really get that much sleep over the weekend, so maybe i'll play catchup. peace and love

not too much time to talk. my day was a pretty good monday. i studied for a test that i ended up not having today, but i did loose my music business folder. hopefully that will turn up because we have a test in there on friday, and all my study notes are in that folder. next semester rooming is coming up. i'm a bit confused as to what to do, but i'm sure it's just because i'm not praying enough or spending enough time in silence. i did take a nice cold shower tonight where God inspired me to write another song. it was basically a summary of my state of being right now, but i'll record it asap. that's on the backburner for priorities though. i've got much to do yet before i get settled down. i'm going to go to bed now in order that i might not become a slave to exaustion. got that lovely eight o'clock psych class tomorrow. but i've got this lovely little program for my computer that has nature sounds that lull me to sleep. right now it's playing a light rain and a distant thunderstorm along with some cicadas and a distant bird here or there. i love thunderstorms... and this is so peaceful. anyways, peace and love my pretties.

once again, just as we thought it was gone and we got so comfortable, here it is again; semester quarterlies. and not just semester quarterlies, but midterms at that. yes, this week we will be preparing for the second most stressful part of the year next to finals. some of the classes are going head first into midterms early. for instance, i just remembered that we are having a test in history tomorrow. i'm not extrememly worried because i always have done decent in history, but it was a rude awakening for how busy i'm going to be for the next two weeks. it's funny. now when i say two weeks, it doesn't seem like that much time. if i were to have said two weeks last summer, i would have been quite comfortable with such a deadline. here, however, i have been emersed in the microwave culture. so i've been studying and studying trying to hide myself away from all outward communication. i was having a great sunday because i was able to prepare early for the week. i got my part of the room cleaned up, and i did my laundry. that always just makes me feel less stressed knowing that i have that much less to worry about tomorrow morning when i wake up. spring break is coming though. it will be here before we know it, and it is one of my few motivations right now. for all you who are still in high school back home, if you have senioritis and you think college will solve all of that, you are sadly mistaken as i was. i know you probably won't believe me, but i'm just getting that out of the way. motivation is hard to come by here. i learn so much just by experience of being here. sure the classes are a bit more interesting than those from high school. in fact, i don't really even remember high school class all that well. maybe it's because i never payed attention. who knows. anyways, spring break is heavy on everyone's mind. i'm excited because i'm going to disney world with some of my frat bros. i haven't been since i was like eight years old! and hey, i know i don't like roller coasters. infact i think i've only gotten on one "thriller" ride in my entire life and i was freaked out. i did it under pressure though. there was just no way i could have backed out of that. now, however, i shall take a giant leap into manhood and take a small step onto a rollercoaster... and not just one, but all of the ones my peers will be going on. i don't get sick on them, and i'm not afraid of flying out of em, but for some reason it's always been hard for me to breath on them. that is what i shall overcome. for now though, i will simply try to focus on getting through midterms and getting through them successfully. psychology has really got me freaked out, but i'm not going to let it get the best of me. i suppose it's good that i'm freaked because that will only motivate me further to do well. i don't think i've ever failed a class before, so in the long term i'm not too worried, but maybe i should be. there's always a first for everything as i've been finding out in several different instances this week.

hello and good friday morning to everyone. i have returned from vanderbilt hospital and i have many stories to tell. i also learned alot about myself as far as my health is concerned, so listen up. first, i had to leave to get there yesterday morning at about 6:30am to get ready for the 12hr test. matt drove me over there which was nice because i was planning on walking. once i got there though, they ran me through a bit of paper work and commenced with plugging me in. first i got two iv's, one in each arm, and then they started taking blood, and by that i mean more blood than i have ever given (this is an equation that will play in later). before i got there though, i had only gotten four hours of sleep, and i had also not eaten in 14 hours, so my blood sugar was low. well, after they gave me the infusion of the medication i was receiving, they let me rest for about an hour. that's when i fell into a deep sleep. shortly after they woke me up and immediately walked me over to a chair on the other side of the room, then they started taking more blood. it was then that i felt very dizzy, and was thinking about how weird it was. the next thing i remember, i was having this marvelous dream, and someone touched me on the hand. i was in such a deep sleep i forgot where i was. i thought i was going to wake up in my dorm room, but then i remembered that i was at the hospital and that they were probably just waking me up to do another test. then i felt with my head that i wasn't laying on a bed at all, and immediately opened my eyes to see what was going on. so my eyes open and i see a bright light and a bunch of faces all circled around me staring down at me. the first thing i said was "i just had the most pleasant dream" then they asked me my name and i answered, then the date, and i answered again just as quickly. they then told me i passed out cold and then some more folks ran into the room with the defibulator (heart schocker). i was amaized because i've never passed out before, and it felt very weird though it didn't hurt at all. i did regain consciousness in a pool of my own sweat though, and my left fist was tightly clenched. also one of the nurses who put me on the floor so i could get more blood flow to the brain hurt her back and was pretty shaken up about the whole deal, so she went home. i on the other hand, thought it was pretty neat, and carried on the rest of the day normally. i was, however, moved from group two that takes more medication and gives blood, to group one that gives no blood and takes only the infusion. i'm still getting payed the $900 though, as i would be in group one. for the rest of the day it was pretty much sleeping and test taking. on the occasion i would flick on the tv, but not very much was on to watch. anyways, the thing i learned about my health was this. apparently my heart has extremely emphesized reflexes meaning that whenever i move a muscle or take a breath, stand up, or sit down, my heart immediatly reacts to that change. from what the doctor said, that is a very healthy thing that most folks my age have, except it was way more emphesized in me than in anyone else he's examined. the only down side is that when exaustion and low blood sugar come in to the equation, i can become more sesceptible to passing out. i though that was really neat. being that i had about nine wires hooked up to me, i got to see how my body reacts to lots of different things. the EKG monitor was what showed the voltage of my heart and that's what also displayed my heart rate. i have an incredibly low heart rate at 48bpm. at one point it even got down into the upper thirties. average people have a resting heart rate of 60 bpm. when i stand up though, my heart rate immediately jumps to 120 bpm from 48 to cope with the changes in distribution of my blood due to gravity. it sounds a little wild, but he swore that it was very healthy. anyways, i just thought i'd share that with y'all. now i'm gunna go wash all of this hospital stank off of me in the shower. oh yeah, and the worst part about my visit was when they had to take off all of the 11 EKG pads off of my body. those things have about the same adhesiveness as super glue and about ripped my skin off. we won't even discuss my poor chest hair (singular). have a great weekend everybody. peace and love!

i'm not getting enough sleep. that's just how it is. this morning i realized at 9:45 that i had set my alarm not for 7:25 am, but for 7:25 pm. that's not a good move. i missed my eight o'clock psychology class, which i really needed to go to. as suspected though, this week has been ultra stressful in that i just have to keep on working through my priorities because i could be doing so much right now, but i can only allow my self to do a certain amount. for me cutting fun time has to be one of the hardest things to do. at work i'm working on new stuff which is good. my boss wrote a computer program for class registration and my job is to go through the thing and run scenarios on it and find all of the bugs. it's not that bad, but i'd probably still rather be sailing in the bahamas. in fraternity, i might be elected rush chair. it's not really the position that i want, but i will do my best at it if it comes to me. well, finally when i get away from people and life in general, i try to write songs. today i wrote some very good music that i could do lots with, but i always struggle with words, but i know they will come to me when they are ment to. i almost have an entire album of songs together that would fit in to one catagory of music which is very exciting. in other news my medical testing starts thursday morning at 7:00am. in order to get there though, i have to wake up at 6:00am and walk over. that's not going to be extraordinarily fun being that it's going to be freezing cold and the distance is over a mile, but i really just don't feel like waking anyone up to get me there. tomorrow i still need to get some scheduling issues delt with for the next testing, but as far as this thursday's testing is concerned, i'm in the green light. spiritually, i've been attempting to devote more time to quiet meditation on scripture. it really does make a huge difference in my life when i spend time in the word, and it is especially important here as most professors have a tendancy to bring their grudges against Christianity out in thier teachings. that alone can be very trying, but then when you add dorm life, lack of sleep, and just the busy schedule in general, it makes for very poor soil for spiritual growth. as for now, i shall try to go to sleep. there is alot of loud conversation in the hall now that i'll have to cope with, but i'm probably not going to say anything because i know on any other regular day i would be out there with em. i'm just way too tired right now. ttyl folks. peace and love.

i will be brief tonight because i have eight o'clock psychology tomorrow, but today was quite evenful. though my mind wasn't quite in the class room, i did manage to get some good stuff done. the biggest thing i guess that happened was that i sold myself as a volunteer to vanderbilt medical studies for $900! that's really an answer to prayer because i have been struggling monetarily for a long time now. what i'll be doing is setting aside two days to go in to this clinic and stay over night. they are going to test a drug on me that assists other drugs, in this case immodium, in getting into the brain. in short... they're going to get me high, study me, and then pay me $900. doesn't sound too bad for me, and don't worry, i'm being cautious. there's no danger involved. part of the money is going to my spring break. i'm going to orlando and disney world with some of my frat brothers, but the rest is going towards my tuition and living expenses. other than that though, i didn't stop moving from eight am to eight pm. at that time, i took a two hour nap, which felt like heaven. i love it when i have good dreams and i don't sleep long enough to deserve them. the only thing lately is that sometimes i wake up and sleep walk in the middle of my dreems partly due to my exaustion. i really should get more sleep, but it's hard to settle down when everyone else is still active. bible study after my nap was good too, but it was very long. i didn't go in to it with good feelings at all. it was really the last place i wanted to be, but now i feel alot better about where i am and where i'm going right now. i've really been involved in a sort of battle for the past six months. it's not a battle that i can loose, but there are still casualties here and there on both my good side and bad, and casualties hurt. i however now realize that someday this battle will end and i will be stronger from it. i just have to keep perservering. christmas break was a good reminder to me of who i am. it's easy to forget here when nobody else knows who you are. i have friends who are trying to learn, but they don't really know very much about my past. well, i'm going to leap into my bed now and try to get at least six hours of solid sleep before tomorrow. it's going to be a hard week this week. i start my medical study this thursday, so keep me in your prayers on that one. untill we chat again though, peace and love.

well, i know i said i wasn't going to write a journal this weekend, but it's valentines day and i just can't see myself NOT saying anything about it. don't worry, i'm not going to rip it apart at the seams, even though it is my least favorite of holidays, but i will say both positive and negative things about it. single awareness day, or valentines day as some may call it, is one of those holidays that i was indifferent to until this year. it seems that so many people have placed emphasis on it this particular year that i couldn't help but be draged in in some small way. for me, valentines is an elementary school holiday, simply meaning that i only remember celibrating it in elementary school when i got my fingers all sticky with glue and glitter making a heart valentines card and little pink decorations to go on my valentines shoe box. this is where the cards/candy from everyone in the class would go the next morning. the competition was to simply have the coolest cards, and to write an extra word in the card for the girl that you liked. i always remember doing that, but it seemed like i never got a card back from that girl, and come to mention it, i think that must be why i have such an inferiority complex when it come to women. i was scarred at an early age. after the fourth grade though, no more cupcakes, no more cards and shoe boxes, and no more necco sweethearts (i LOVE those thigs, i buy em every week and am gunna stock up on em on clearance sale). all we really did after that was stand back and admire the hanging decorations from the cafeteria celing. that was the end of valentines day for me. from then on, it was only celibrated by couples who just happened to be dating that week, and then the girl would usually break up with the guy or whatever. for the most part, i really don't think most guys are fond of valentines day. it is an excuse to buy a girl flowers, and thus purchase the key to her admiration, but money doesn't buy happiness therefore that admiration is very superficial. now a-days, those silly little decorations still hang out in the cafeteria, and today new couples were walking around all over the place. i was still observing from affar the phanominon that is valentines day... here are the events of this day. i woke up at about noon and haveing camped out in the quad with some guys in my new tent, proceeded to put it away and come inside to take a shower and warm my feet. my feet got cold cause i went barefoot like an idiot the last night, and they never warmed up untill my 30 minute shower. after that i suppose i layed around for a while and wandered from room to room seeing what all my other single brethren were doing. seeing as they were doing the same as i, i just returned to my room and slept until dinner. at dinner i went to the caf with clayton. we noticed that the lights had been dimmed and they were serving a special fattening meal with live music. as i glanced around the room, i noticed that most people were unhappy and alone, possibly clinging to their social group of all guys or all girls, and eating as much as they could to, i suppose, eat away their sorrow. after that i went to work. i watched field of dreams, and total recal. i suppose the television stations understood my pain, as they offered what every single guy wants on valentines day... night... low budget blood and gore. i did get to talk to a girl back home about dating, where we've been and where we are going in life. that was nice and relaxing and helped me sort through . i also got a valentines card from someone else back home who knows who they are, as well as i do because of the mail stamp. anyways, thankyou very much. it helped part the clouds on this gloomy holiday. when i got off of work, i watched a depressing movie with some of the guys. it was called the hours and was pretty much about death and suicide. that was uplifting in every way shape and form (strong sarcasm), but i don't recomend you see it if you wish to feel good about yourself. i suppose this leads me up to now. i am sitting here writing about valentines day and am about to go play cards with the fellas. did i say i was going to talk equally in a positive sense about valentines day? i can't remember... oh well, all you ladies back home know i love you and look out for you the best i can. i know that sometimes my actions towards you don't portray that in the best way, but i want you all to know that all of you are my girls and if i could have i would have sent each and every one of you a dozen roses and chocolates. peace and love...

what to say, what to say. today was a good day and i got alot done. at work i finished the project i have been working on for almost six months today. i'm very glad about that. also, i took two two hour naps, so i feel very well rested. as for money. i just made an appointment with vanderbilt pharmocology testing to make $3-500 easy ones. that's good because i'm running out of spending money and i really can't dip in to my federal work study funds this semester like i did last semester. i'm learning how to get things done though. from being here at college i've learned the art of frugality, and the art of making quick money, which are two very handy skills. as for this weekend. i don't know if i will be keeping my journal posted. i don't really have any plans, but i'd like to just do nothing if at all possible. well... i take that back. i'd probably like to get some good recording done, but other than that, i probably won't be doing anything else. time sure does fly though. it seems like the superbowl was yesterday. maybe it's only my memory. maybe my memory is improving as i go. as for now, i think i'm going to work on a song i wrote at work today before i go off to bed, so this journal is going to remain rather short. hope everyone has a lovely weekend, and happy valentines day, if you're in to that kind of stuff. peace and love

i have so many things to say, but none of it is important. this has been a common theme throughout my life and has yet to shed off of my person via the college experience. i'm not totaly weird though. i don't talk to strangers excessively, but if i know you, chances are you've heard me ramble on for long periods of time. today was my nap day. tomorrow it's death work day again and i'm not to excited about that. i went to all of my classes and thankfully they offered a little break to our weariness because we just finished semester quarterlies. my day started off by me almost getting hit by a golf cart after looking both ways before crossing the street. see, i took that as a good omen. i though that meant my day was going to be full of excitement and stupid adventure. that, however, was not the case at all... well, i kinda take that back. i did have a little fun and excitement here and there. in my music business class my prof. picked me out in private to act as a music publisher in class. he literally said i had to "act like a real a@s" some kids came with their songs and sat down and played them for me, and i was really heartless and mean to them, like they would in the record company. deep down i felt really bad about the whole thing and i hoped they would understand, but when i want to act, i can act really well, and i felt like i wanted to act today. a guy came up to me after class and said "gee! you make a really good a@s h*le". i said "thanks... i think..." after that i had to finish my history project. i got it done and turned it in an hour later. in that class, i sit next to a girl who's ... kinda pretty. we talk about class and stuff, and today she had come to class almost in tears because she was typing her paper and her computer crashed and she lost it. i gave her some instructions on how to fix it... AND... i gave her my number... i think she called, but in the excitement of giving an attractive girl my phone number, i forgot to tell her that i'm usually never home. i did learn a few things about getting a girl to ask you your phone number though. it's really quite clever. see, what i did was i told this pretty girl at lunch a riddle... and then i just walked away. she begged and pleaded for me to stay (which i enjoyed emmensly) and after i continued to leave, she asked me for my phone number. i was so amaized that she asked, i forgot to give it to her, but it's ok... i've got plenty of riddles to go around. now if you don't think i'm pathetic after reading that, then how bout this. i took a two hour nap when i got home from that class and then went to dinner. the only real meal i ate today which still wasn't very real... none of the food at the caf is. after that i came back and did some recording, but didn't really get anything productive done on the present song i'm working on. i did play guitar long enough to develop a bruise (don't check the spelling on that one cuz i'm pretty sure it's wrong) though, so i stopped. then i just hung out with the viking for the rest of the night. we watched some tv on his computer that he just got a cable for so he can now hook the monitor immage up to his tv screen (confused yet?). and we played (i'm a big dork) videogames for a while. it's supposed to snow tonight too, but it's still forty degrees and i doubt it will. after growing up back home i've learned alot about being able to tell how and when snow will come and stay. as for me, i think i'm just going to go to bed now. i don't really have anything else important to say, but maybe some day i shall. untill we chat again, peace.

well here it is. i promise this journal will have a bit more construction than the last. i was just really dog tired. not that i'm any more awake now, but i guess i'm just numb to the feeling. i bombed that psychology test tomorrow which was no fun, but now atleast i know how he gives tests. that's my greatest strength when it comes to test taking. anyways, i was going to tell you a story last night, but i just got too tired. i went to a meeting with michael w. smith yesterday. i'm in a club that gets to do stuff like that. it's called CMS. but before i went in to hear him, my frat brother scott and i went to use the bathroom. we walked over to the urinals and there was another guy in there. i started making wise crack bathroom jokes that had to do with releiving one's self and song writing. scott, on the other hand, seemed quite embarrassed because he didn't like involving strangers in jokes i guess. but anyways, when we went in to hear mr. smith, in walks the stranger bathroom dude that was using the urinal next to me. yeah, it was definitaly micael w. smith, and needless to say, i turned a few shades past red. anyways, he played the piano for us and did some songs that he hadn't released yet. he's a really nice and cool guy. did you know he has five kids, the oldest being 20? i knew he wasn't a young fella, but he just doesn't look that old! today was a different pace though. i managed to get through it and rewarded myself at the end by working on one of my recording projects. i also was dressed formally all day because one of my frat brothers had a death in the family and we dressed up out of respect. we also went to the memorial service that night, and it was the first open cascet service i had ever attended. i felt a little werid. i had never seen a dead body before, but i was there to support a friend, and that i did. after we got back to school, we had a formal frat meeting and then went to mafiaozas. it's a great little sit down restauraunt that we go to after our meetings. the food is good and cheap, sorta like la hacienda back home, except with italian food instead of cheese quesadillas. i just got home at 1 though and got out of my suit a.s.a.p. cause MAN those socks squeeze the life out of my legs, and they rub my leg hair. as for tomorrow, i don't expect it to be as hard. i'm coming out of the storm which was semester quarterlies. i have one more paper to finish and turn in tomorrow in history class and then i'm done with all that stress. i shall then proceed to take a nap, and speaking of which, my pillows are driving me crazy just layin there and lookin all lonely and sad. i think i shall go and keep them company with my skull. peace to all.

it is late. i have a psychology test tomorrow morning at eight. they are notoriously hard. i have to be dressed up all day tomorrow. i have to work four hours after my test. i won't get to take a nap. i'm going to be very irritable. no time to talk anymore. must get sleep. each minute counts. peace.

yep... there it is again. my next door neighbor caughing and the sound carrying itself to my ears as if there were no walls between us. mice? yeah, i think i have another one. i'm really getting tired of killing these things, but they have no place in my room, nor in this building. just as usual, it's very late. i'm seein two o'clock... there's that caughing again... yeah, two o'clock. tomorrow morning at nine, i have a speach to give on bob hope. yeah, i definitily wrote that speach tonight and i haven't even practiced it yet. i should be fine though, just as long as i don't think too hard about it... ah, and the sound of a mouse in my celing just broke the silence. well, maybe not silence. there's still the slight hissing of my radiator. i turned it on today just to get a small feel of summer. i also adjusted all of the pictures of my friends on my wall because they were getting all bent up from the constantly fluctuating temperature. productivity is my thing on sunday night. i like for things to be perfect the next morning when i wake up so that i can have no blame on myself if my monday turns stale. that means that i do my laundry (wash, dry, fold, put away) and i straighten up my room... wow, i forgot what cold dr. k tastes like. i usually don't keep my drinks in the fridge, but down by my feet. i really am that pathetically lazy as to where i won't even walk to steps behind me to my fridge for a drink. that's pretty sad, but that's also life right now. i'm busy. i don't really have much recoup time now. there's always the video games with the fellas, and the brief nap times, but i just want to be completely alone for a while. that's something i miss about being home. i could just get in my car and drive with the music on loud. no one would ever complain about it, no one would ever interrupt me, and i was never in one place for more than a fraction of a second, unless i was stopped at a light. finding alternate ways to blow steam isn't easy around here. i don't really even have time to record, let alone any creativity spuring out of the mental hell that is college. so there's that and with the high calabur food served at our lovely cafeteria, the body couldn't be happier (strong sacrasm). i guess i'm just a little ticked cause the weekend went by so fast. i can't complain really. i mean the weeks have been flying by too, but just for a while, i'd like to be able to pick a time that would stand still so i could enjoy it for just a brief second more. two things that i have come to cope with since i've been here are this. life will never be the same and i can never go back to the way things were before i came here, and time only gets faster. at this rate, by the time i'm eighty, a year will seem like a fart would seem now. very fast and unpredictable. maybe that's why the elderly drive so slow. they feel like they can control time in their car. or maybe with time going so fast for them, they in actuallity feel like they are going too fast. these are two pathetic questions that i hope i can never answer, because if i ever can that will only tell me that i've spent way too much time thinking about time instead of using it. right now i think i'm going to finish my dr. k. and practice my speech, then i'm going to go to sleep and pray for a deep one because i really would rather not have any dreams tonight.

peace

today was one of those days where you just wish it wouldn't end quite as quickly as it did. i woke up at 11:30 and then went to a computer show at the fair grounds with the fellas. there wasn't much there that caught my eye except for some cd-r's that i needed. they were very good name brand and very cheap. after that, it was pretty much dinner then work. work on weekends isn't much to talk about, cause i don't really do anything. if i didn't tell you before, on the weekends i work the desk down at the school recording studio. that consits of answering the door with a button if needed and answering the phone. other than that, i can watch tv, talk/surf on the web, or do homework for four hours. it really is a great job. after that though, we had a video game dorkfest back at the dorm. i'm not ashamed to say it, but yes, I STILL play videogames, and participated tonight in a video game tournament. it was fun, but didn't last too long. after that, i was going to wind down in my room by myself. i had my guitar out, and i was trying to record a song when all of the sudden i heard a rustling in my trash can. i was confused for a while as to what it was, so i went to check it out when what did my eyes behold, but a mouse. he was standing on his haunches looking me straight in the eye and testing the air with his nose. i looked back at him and gave him the name figaro, as the letter f was what we were up to on the hurricane mouse watch. i told figaro that he was cute, BUT... i was going to have to kill him. you see, he was stuck in my trash can, and at hearing my last words, he immediately ran under my trash, as if he was trying to run for his life from me and my threat. it was then that i went to gather all the other guys on the hall into my room to watch as i placed a trap set with a marshmellow (the favorite) in the center of all the trash. it wasn't long before figaro came out and started nibbling away at the marshmellow, but then WAIT! another mouse came out and joined him! we named this mouse galileo. figero's personality was very chipper, but galileo was rather... well he was just dumb and lathargic. well, at first the trap didn't work. they were both standing on the trigger and it didn't seem to go off, so i got some pliers and took the trap back out and made it more sensative. then i took all the trash out of the can and put a piece of paper down to make them more visible. that's when figaro snapped. he went jumping all over the place trying to get out of the trap when all of the sudden... SNAP!!! it seemed that poor figaro had jumped up, but tragically landed on the marshmellow which in an instant turned from a diliciouse morsal best served with hot chocolate to a tool of his demise. we gave him a proper burrial at sea (or in the toilet) and then returned for galileo. he was just sitting there as if he didn't have a care in the world, so i pushed the trap closer to him untill he was standing on top of it. since it seemed that he wasn't going to go for the marshmellow, i dropped a cracker on the trap and though for sure that i would kill him just as quickly. that would have been the case, but what came from that was a despairing squeek of pain because the trap had only snagged poor dumb galileo's leg. he was still not to clever though because he then started trying to eat the marshmellow. i felt bad that i had not killed him instantly, so i went into my room to fetch my hammer. my purpose was to put him out of his pain, but instead i think i just made things worse. i think i gave him five forcefull blows to the head before one of his eyeballs popped out and he started bleading out of his ears. that was the end of poor poor galileo. he shall be remembered always. and a great lesson has been learned. and by the way... my spelling is atrocious!!!

valentines day is a funny day. it has to be my least favorite holiday for numerous reasons. first off theres the one where girls all the sudden start flirting with guys around this wonderful day. why? simply because they want something to do on valentines day. it doesn't mean that they actually like you. second of all, if you already have a girlfriend, valentines day can cost quite a fortune unless you are one of those rare creative types that can grow and harvest their own roses and coco bean plants to then process them into chocolates... then again... sorry guys, it's just gunna cost you money. the reason that this all came up is because one of my friends asked out a girl who was writing in her blog about how much she wanted a boyfriend, especially since hallow... i mean valentines day is coming up. so my friend got the guts to ask her out and she said no and then wrote on how much she didn't want a boyfriend. all of that tom foolery got me thinking. he then wrote back in his blog a form of what i like to call "blog-fu". blog-fu is when you know that a certain someone is reading your journal among many. you then will proceede to tell a story that all of your readers will get something out of, but the one that it is specifically aimed towards will know exactly what you're talking about. i know it sounds a bit childish, but it really is quite effective. anyways i'm done talking for now, but i might have something else to say later tonight. peace

okay, well this week has almost drawn to a close, and i've gotten more done that last week i suppose. i got my RA application filled out and turned in a whole two days early! that's pretty impressive for my work ethic... oops... i just realized that the ranch dressing i bought says "refrigerate after opening"... i've left it out for about a week now... oh well. back to the topic! i'm really just trying to get back into some sort of disciplined groove. it's hard, but i'll get there eventually. another cool thing about this week, but more specifically today, was that a few of us guys on the hall started a bible study. it is nice to finally have some accountability around here because not having it was beginning to ware on me just a bit. anyways, it's supposed to snow here tonight and a little bit in the morning. i doubt it will enough to cause any sort of stagnation in my schedule tomorrow, but who cares, it's friday! i don't really know what i'm going to do this weekend. the fraternity is going to be holding a table in the curb atrium and we're going to be singing, so that should be fun. i love singing with my fraternity. i suppose i'll also do a bit more recording over the weekend too. i really need to practice that stuff cause so far i've only put out one decent song. it really really is a new artform. the more i do it, the more i realize that truth. oh well... another thing i need to work on is going to bed a little earlier, so i'm off. i know it was a little shorter than usual, but not much has really happened lately. i'll see what i can get myself in to though... you know... to make the journal reading a little more interesting. see, i think i've lost some readers which doesn't really bother me too much, cause i'm mostly doing this to organize my thoughts, but still, i like to please those who still do read it. atleast i know my mom still does. thanks mom.
goodnight!

i suppose it is a good thing for me to take a moment out of my week and put my thoughts down in writing. of course, these thoughts are still selective primarily due to the fact that everyone in the world could read them if they wanted to, and i enjoy some means of privacy. it really does make me think, as well as put a worth on my day, as to what is important enough to note. today was pretty nice. i only had two classes cause my last one was canceled for who knows why. because of that i got to do a little bit of recording on my new home studio, which was great. i ended up putting four hours into it today, only to trash the whole project. i'm just very picky, and this is the kind of art where pickyness is ok. so far i've only recorded one song that i really like, but it is a new artform for me. it's really fun, even though i'm not that good at it now. i figure it's worth it though being that i will be doing this for the rest of my life... or atleast i want to. i know it's been a while since i wrote my last journal (about weight training), but that's just because i've been soar... extreemely soar. part of it is due to sunday early morning. yeah, some guy pulled the fire alarm at five am sunday morning and i had to go running outside in the 35 degree pouring rain wearing NOTHING but my pajama bottoms and wait untill they let us back in. the cold made all my muscles tense up and i had a massive muscle cramp all over my entire body all the next day. on top of that, today was arm and chest workout again, and these were my most soar muscles. so far i'm doing okay, but a night sleep tends to bring out the worst in things. another interesting happening today was chubb's birthday. chubbs is my RD and we all love him. we love him enough to get cowboy to walk in to his apartment at midnight with a boom box and start acting like a male stripper... don't worry, it was just acting... but it was hillarious! right now i must go to bed. it's supposed to snow today and tomorrow here (about time) but it's still 45 degrees, so i'm not counting on any cancelations tomorrow... i mean it was 60 degrees today here, and that's normal! there's six inches of snow on the ground at home, and it's 60 here?!? oh well, i'm just a little flustered, but i'll survive. g-night.

i'm finally back in to my spring time work out groove. see, i've been working out every day of the spring semester for the past three years just to keep physically fit and not quite as skrawny. the disadvantage i have though is that i can never look incredibly big as i have both a small bone structure, and hyper metabolism. i'm serious, i can't even digest animal fat, so no matter what i can't gain wait. this poses a problem in that fat is one of the key components in building muscle, so i don't have much muscle mass. also, since i cannot gain any body fat, though i get cut very quickly, my muscles also are eaten much quicker than most people's. this is called muscular atrophy, and it happens when the muscles aren't continually worked out. the only difference for me is that my hyper metabolism, when not having body fat to eat, eats on my muscles. this is why i enjoy working out. i just feel better about most everything. and though i may not be the strongest guys on the block, i can lift my body weight which is above average. enough about working out though... anyways, i'm extra soar tonight so i'm gunna have to cut this thing short so i can get a good night sleep. here's a secret you might like to know... i have no laundry detergent. this means that i've been wearing the same cloths for almost two weeks now, and the cologne i'm wearing is starting to loose the battle against the stinky that i wish to hide. i think i'm gunna borrow some from my neighbors tomorrow to get the essentials washed, but i should be going to the store this weekend. also, as far as my diet is concerned, i am cutting back on the caf. all i am going to allow myself to eat from now on is salads, soups, and cerial. the reason being is that i, and many other of my fellow dorm mates, have come down with pretty stubborn illnesses that we connect to the caf. why? because when we went home for christmas break, we were fine, but a few days after we got back... BAM!!! we were sick again. this has called for drastic measures. i'm thinking about even starting a club that might petition the school's food distribution. after all, i pay lots of money to go here. atleast serve me something BESIDES ecoli for breakfast and hep a for dinner! so far though, the diet is working. i feel stronger and more alert and, along with my vitamins, more prepared to take on the day... which is in just a few hours so i must be off to bed. tootles all.

okay, today... good day. not much to recap on. slept till noon, hung out with the fellas, got prepared for classes tomorrow... all that good stuff. it wasn't as productive as i thought it would have been, but that's just the procrastinating side of me, which i consider to be my more adventurous side. as for that mouse i was talking about last night... well... he seems to be more illusive than i originally thought. he hasn't touched that twizzler yet, so i'm thinking about moving to a more enticing bait. something like say... chocolate. enough about the mouse though. i sold my digital guitar amp over christmas break and have used the money from that to order a recording studio for my room. i know that doesn't sound that spectacular. after all, i wasn't able to spend that much money on it. i'm a college student remember? you'd be suprised at the kind of quality you can pull out of a computerized home studio if you put a little elbow greese in to it though. what have i been thinking about lately? (sorry, i'm sidetracking) you know, to be quite honest, i haven't really had any astounding thoughts lately, which is different for me. most of the time i'm working on some new theory to prove... in my head that is. i don't really have to time for experiments, unless they can get me away from books for a while. back to the previous topic. i'm really excited about that recording studio getting here. i have so many ideas to put together. i also just want a chance to practice at it so that when i actually get into a real studio, i'll have a better idea of what i'm doing. it's just the kind of fun i like... ya know, i just thought of a thought that i've been having lately. all the stuff that i was doing before break just doesn't seem that fun anymore. i play videogames with my hall buds alot like a dork, and it's fun at first, but after a while, it just doesn't seem to entertain me anymore. i think i just need to give being here some time. i haven't really had any real work yet, but all of that will come tomorrow. i also think i'm going to take up reading as a hoby. in the past, i've always hated reading, but over christmas break i read my first novel cover to cover for fun. it wasn't that bad. infact, i kinda enjoyed it, so i think i'm gunna start doing more of it. as for now, i'm going to do a bit of reading and then i'm going to bed. hope you all are doing well and take care.

ah, today was a fine day, even though i didn't really do anything productive. i've left all of that for tomorrow. i woke up this morning for church, which i re-found out that it starts at 10:30. it was a good sermon about how we don't find Jesus, but Jesus finds us. anyways, if you recall my previous journal, i was briefly discussing how all the guys i know have been a bit girl conscious lately, including myself. today i got the bright idea to try to socialize with some of them. i found a girl at church who i thought would be nice to talk to, and usually church girls are fairly safe. my objective was by no means to ask this girl out on a date. that would be out of the question. instead, my motives were to simply introduce myself, find out a bit of information about her, maybe throw in a bit of "clever" nathan wit, and then leave with a feeling of manly pride, as if i had been on a hunt and had bagged a large woodland creature with my bare hands. as i headed towards her though, my subconscious awoke and took control. immediately i kicked in to rationality mode and i was stopped in my tracks by myself and all the logic that i bombarded myself with in attempts to prove that what i was doing could proove to be one of the most stupid things i have ever done. by that moment i was just about next to her and i began to fidget a bit. as a gazel down wind of a lion, she sensed my lack of confidence and she fled for the door and disappeared. i had prooved to be a wuss once more and i went back to the dorm, head hung low. fortunately i have been blessed with short term memory and i forgot about it in time to watch the panthers/mcnabb game which was beasty. carolina totally laid waste to the mcnabb team, as i call them, by laying out their star quarterback mcnabb. then i watched band of brothers with the guys on my side of the hall and went back to my room to write a bit of music. after that, i watched some tv, had some tea, and now i'm about to go to bed. i plan on sleeping in tomorrow until about twelve or so before i commence to complete the many tasks layed before me by my own procrastination. ... oh yeah, and also, i have this mouse in my room. he and i are having an understood battle right now. my wit vs his. see he was stealing some of my twizzler wrapping paper when i noticed him, so i put a mouse trap near his hiding place. in that mouse trap i put a bit of twizzler being that he must have aquired a taste for it while making home in my lovely little room. he will be mine by morning i should suspect, but he seems to be one of those higher education college mice. he isn't caught quite as easily as some small town mediocre high school student mouse. no no, he is enrolled in mice university. he could probably disassemble the trap that i have placed faster than i could set it. oh well... we will see just how clever this cute little guy is when i find him severed in two in the morning. i'm already anticipating that peircing SNAP about an hour after i turn off my lights... this is getting me excited... and tired... bye bye y'all.

so this weekend has been pretty neat. my room mate is on tour which is pretty cool, and i have the room all to myself this weekend which is pretty cool too. quite frankly though, i've been very tired lately. i slept for ten hours last night, went to eat lunch, came back and then took another nap three hours later. the only reason i didn't get twelve hours of sleep is because some guy below me was practicing double bass on his drums before practice hours. i don't know how he got away with that, but if he does it again... i don't know what i'll do, but he'll know he shouldn't have done it again. all this tiredness is simply a result of my lifestyle here at school though. i don't get very much sleep during the week, so i have to make it all up on the weekends. that's just the way it works. i don't really mind it that much. sleep is entertainment for me. anyways, this fake spring weather that we have been having must be taking its toll on the guys. all of the fellas i know have been extra consumed by thoughts of young ladies lately. we even got one who's gone as far as getting himself involved with one. i must admit... even i have been doing a little bit of thinking here and there. see, i know alot about girls. i know enough about them though to know that i have not even scratched the surface. that is why i, and most the guys i know, are still scared to death of them. i'm not going to get too involved in that topic though. that is dangerous grounds to walk on, especially at three o'clock in the morning, but what can i tell you that might interest you? i don't really know. oh yeah, i did get my books this semester for under $100. do you know how amaizing that is? it's incredible! my classes are also looking pretty good so far. i don't know how the work load is going to turn out comparatively to last semester, but we'll just have to wait and see on that one. as for now, i'm going to bed. i have to wake up in time for church tomorrow, and i can't exactly remember when it starts, so that's a problem. christmas break has done alot of things to my brain, but God will see to it that i make it through all of this stuff one way or another. i'll talk to you all later when i can find something noteworthy to report. later!

well well well... could it be that i have started a new semester? yes it is true. i had a wonderful break at home doin all sorts of stuff, but in short i suppose that mainly included working and hanging out. now i'm back to school. i have to try my hardest to take things seriously again this semester, but i'm sure i'll be interested in most of my classes. brian boggs drove me back today. the ride was long as usual, but we made it intact. everything was clean when i got here, which was exactly opposite of the way it was when i left, so that was refreshing. also, my bamboo survived my absence. i think it may have even thrived while i was gone the ungreatful little weed (i speak disgruntled because it was dying while i was here). anyways, at home got to see all of my friends. they were good times except for a bit of chilling information that i caught ahold of from some sources. seems that one of my friends doesn't care to see/talk to me anymore. i must admit that it wasn't really nice to be the last person to know about it. i was also stumped for the longest time as to what i did wrong. for the most part i treat all of my friends equally. i call for them or show up at their door, and if they aren't there i call until they are. i talked to one of them about this and they said that that's what they expect me to do, cause that's what i've always done. when i hang out with my friends, i discuss just about anything that comes to mind, and have never really had a problem with it, so i know it's not that. i guess i have just been missunderstood. i guess that's just the while life flows. it's funny though. i think people get this initial idea of who you are, and no matter what you do, it can never improve, though it can always get worse. i wonder if this is human nature, or a characteristic that we develope on our own. reguardless, i haven't given up on mankind yet. though this is a loss, it is also a lesson on self conduct or maybe the conduct of others... though i'm still trying to find out which, i know the answer is there somewhere. i suppose this opens up a new discussion on who i am. i find great respect for people who are courageous enough to, when they have controversy with someone, meet them face to face and tell them of their situation. i suppose cowardice is a trait that is engrained in all of us at one point or another. i'm not the biggest fan of controversy, but some people are consumed by cowardice. they cannot say no when they should, nor can they say yes. they flea from controversy because they fear pain. unfortunately pain is inevitable in life, though some are more prepared to triumph over it than others. and why do i speak as if i had knowledge of such things? it's because i was there at dead bottom of the courage meter once. i know that fear and how damaging it can be. well, i hope everyone has a wonderful week. oh and by the way, i'm not mad. it takes alot to make me mad, though i am a bit dumbfounded. God bless.

i guess the best news of the day today was that i'm done most of my classes. all i have left is one math class tomorrow, and then it's study time... i'm a little worried about that because with all that free time, it will be hard for me to dedicate any of it to studies, but i'll try my best. in other news, we got back to the ab workout tonight. last week i was sick so i couldn't really do it, but this week i feel as fit as a slightly congested fiddle. it was strange though. i just couldn't help thinkin about coach morris. it was the first time i've worked out since he died, and he taught me every thing i know about working out. but now i'm teaching others. i just remember the way he counted out the repetitions as if he enjoyed watching us squirm. i don't really blame him. it was a pretty funny sight. it's bed time now though, and i really need to get some rest. i think that's been one of my problems lately... oh well... later y'all

today has been a great day. i woke up 20 minutes before church and i still got there on time, and after church they had a free bar-b-q. that, i must say, was quite a step up from the caf's sunday lunch food. they usually just server breakfast and cold pizza, which i'm not very fond of. i had a right mind to be constructive today too, which is very rare. i gave myself a list of things to do, and i actually did it. see, first i wanted to get my english completely done. i had that paper on the rhetoric of Seinfeld due tuesday, and so i finished it. then i looked through all of my english papers and found everything that i needed for my portfolio which is also due tuesday, and then i typed a 1 1/2 page paper on my reflection of the class and my progress. that was pretty much everything i needed to do. i'm not totaly in the clear though, cause i have to do a presentation on my paper tomorrow, but i'm not too worried. i don't really prepare for that kind of stuff cause if i'm interested in it, and i did all my work, then i don't really have a problem talking about it. as for my other classes, i'm not too worried. i think rectech might be a little tough, religion will be a breeze, but math is what is going to make me sweat extra hard this week. i really need to do well on this math exam to pass the class. the sad thing is that it's pass fail, and i'm still getting through by the skin of my teeth. i've just never been skilled at math. i've always depended on other means of solving my problems. so far, they've served me pretty well, but i must succeede. just a little bit ago, i had a great jam session outside. sure it was 31 degrees, but i just love playing loud outside by myself. i love to be able to sing when no one else can hear me cause i really just sing my heart out, but it was very refreshing. i also talked to brian online today. it is very rare that i get that opportunity, but his big news was that he bought some jeans. i'm excited to see him in some cause all the years i've known him, i've never seen him wear jeans! i don't know.i just think that's amazing. the only real thing wrong with tonight though, is the fact that i'm still up. it's 2:31am (never pay attention to the publishing time that the server gives, cause it's never right) and i have an eight o'clock class tomorrow. i'll probably find some time to take a nap tomorrow though. i'm sure i'll live. as for health, i feel worlds better. i still have a sniffle here and there, but i'll be alright. i suppose that i should fill you in on the most exciting news around the hall though... would you like that? okay then... i'll tell you. the big thing now is mouse hunting. see, the weather has gotten very cold and the little mice seek warmth and food. well, what better place to seek both than in a male dorm... the other night, i couldn't get to sleep cause aaron and superkev had a mouse in their room. they were making such a racket that i finally got up to check things out and what i found was them gloating over the body of a dead mouse. that was the start of it all. that was the night that josh funder was dubbed the name "fundercat" cause the mouse came from his room. the next night, burly mike brought a mouse into aaron and superkev's room that he caught in a bag of moldy bread. i thought it was ultra cool, so i started poking that mouse with my finger, and it managed to find a hole to leap out of into their room. needless to say, they were a little ticked cause they had to move all of their furnature to find it. burly mike and i decided to lend a hand by going to super walmart to get some mouse traps, so at 2am, off we went. we got back, set the traps, and went to bed. the next day, no mice... but last night, one was vanquished. now i have one in my room... fundercat had another one come out of his and run into the storage closet down the hall, so i put one in there too. i hope to find another dead mouse to add to the pile tomorrow, cause that would just be fun... till next time... bye bye.

hello my fans, sorry i haven't been loyal to my journal lately. it has been a week of much stress, complications, and trials, not just acedemically, but spanning through many different aspects. first off, yeah, academics have been quite difficult. i've got a week to get ready to end all of my classes. i suppose i have it much easier than many students, but it is still more work than i am comfortable with. on top of that, i was fighting the flu that my lovely sister had spread to me over break... well... the flu has won and i am in dire conditions right now. the thing that stinks about that is i still have to attend my classes due to attendance policy. finally, i have had to deal with a death of someone who i was pretty close to. my weight training coach, Coach Morris, died yesterday morning at 11:38 eastern time. i had him for three years, two of which he was fighting cancer. he always pushed me past my limits, and believed in my physical ability. most of my life people have said "you're too small to do this." or "too skinny to do that.", but he didn't see things that way. i remember asking him my first year to bust my tail cause i was tired of being a weakling. he looked at me and smiled and said, "don't you worry about that. i'll take care of you." and he did. i ended up being one of the most powerful guys in my class. (power, not strenght... power is a ratio of weight lifted compared to body weight). he also called me (in a corny way) his stallion cause i became one of the fastest and most enduring runner in the class. when i first got in there, i couldn't bench 65lbs and i couldn't do even one pull up. on my last day, i was able to bench press my body weight and do 10 one armed pull ups. he gave me confidence in my appearance, and taught me to press on through my breaking point. i remember praying with him one day that his pain would be releived. i suppose it was, or maybe he was just glad that someone cared, cause the next day he came in and was in much better weather. it's strange though that he passed so quickly. i had him less than six months ago and he seemed like he was recovering quickly. i will miss him greatly. death is a bizzare thing for me. i don't quite know how i should feel, and that is a very strange feeling in itself. i guess that's all i have to say. i'll try to keep more updated, but right now i can make no promises.