Amazing Break: So Far, So Good

i really can see no negatives in my break thus far. certainly i miss folks from back at school, but it is good to be apart for short periods of time. relationships strengthen that way. but being home has been full of good times. i'm both learning a great deal, and i'm having a good time with my friends. i suppose the one discomfort on my mind is where the money for next semester is going to come from, but God will provide for me. He always has.

my general day starts off with an alarm from my cell phone... being that i forgot to bring my alarm from school home. the cell phone works well though because it tricks my subconscious in to thinking that someone is trying to call me, and when people try to call me, my heart rate increases to both find out who it is, and to answer. this little "pavlov's dog" manuver helps me get my day started off right. i've been waking up at around 9 o'clock due to obligations, but i haven't missed sleeping in. frankly i don't get tired to much while i'm home. there's alot less here to consume my energy. after i wake up though, i generally enjoy a nice long shower, but no breakfast. i'm still too lazy to cook when i wake up... uh... but anyways i eat a big lunch and dinner to make up for it. as i have previously mentioned, i am house sitting right now, so my second step for a successful day requires me to prevent myself from locking myself out of the house in my pajamas again. this happened over the summer once, but if it happens again, i will surley freeze to death.

the average day has consited of me driving around quite a bit though. i've been trying to keep my money spending down, but i fear gas prices are going to end up slaying me in the end. it just seems like everything i have to do is in the opposite direction of the previous task. not to worry though. i enjoy driving. meeting up with my friends has been most encouraging. i get a chance to catch back up with everyone and just to hang out like old times. i find that i have been excluded from the loop though and probably because i'm the only one i know from here that goes to school in tennessee. no worries. after all, i chose to go there and i don't regret it.

in my being home though, i've decided to make a few attempts at change. i've been doing alot of serious thinking invovling my status as a human being. i think i'm going to be doing some vast improvements over the course of this next semester. i plan on undertaking a much larger task than simply working out though. i plan on concentrating on all four of my bodily makeups. i will concentrate on my physical, mental, spiritual, and soul status. i know it seems like a cliche thing to do around the new year, but i'll try to be serious and committed for it. i've got alot of motivation behind me. i want to physically be somewhat more appealing for the ladies (and by ladies, i mean lady)... and ur... yeah... but that's just one motivation. mentally, spiritually, and soulfully i want to be all i can in order to do what God has put me on this earth to do. though i'm not sure as of yet what that entails, i am ever anxious to find out.

i have thought though that this break will not be near long enough. i suspect i have alot of work to do before i will feel confident in going back to school, but God will complete in me just what it is that needs to be completed in this time. i am confident in that. until then i have many things to look forward to, the first of which is Christmas. the day after Christman, andy, kevin, eric, and i get to lead worship for church, and we get a whole 30 minutes. i am ultra excited about that because i feel truly confident that God will work wonders through that half hour. things are just falling in to place so gracefully, and in such short time. i mean the rehersal tonight was absoluetely amazing. it will be different though. definitaly something that the church as a whole is not used to. this also excites me though in that i am privilaged enough to introduce new styles of worship to people.

anyways, i'm going to get ready for bed now. the guys are over here, brian and brandon. we've been hanging out for a while, but now i'm beat. i will keep you informed the best i can as to how the rest of this week will transpire. i trust it will be above average. peace and love.

What Have I DONE!

this is not good. i have successfully screwed up my entire sleep equilibrium. how, might you ask? because i am a duface... that's how. after church this morning i got tired and took a two hour nap. that was all fine and good, and i woke up and did my christmas shopping with brandon, phill, and andy. after that i went home, had some super great hotwings for dinner, watched a movie with my folks, and came back here to the house i am watching so that i could take care of the dogs. after the dogs were tended to, i got bored... this is where i made the fatal error. it was only ten o'clock (nine o'clock in the time i'm used to) and i felt too tired to call someone up and do something, so i settled down for the night. now it is 1:30 in the morning, and i am wide-eyed because i went to sleep at a time i would usually take a nap at school. my body didn't think i was going to sleep for the night, but just for a few hours. unfortunately this is not a dorm. no one is up doing stuff but me. i am the only one here. the entire town... is closed. i could pop in a movie, but i've seen them all. i've tried laying still, but i just can't fall back asleep. i don't know... i'll figure something out. maybe i'll run really fast head first into a wall or something. that aughtta take care of it. but i need some sleep because i have a big day tomorrow. i'm going to pick my uncle up from the airport and then i'm going to my grandparents' house for the rest of the day. other than that though, not much planned. i'm still lookin for work, but to no avail as of yet. i've got alot of decision making to do while i'm home too. i mean BIG decisions. decisions that for sure alter my entire life! in short... the best kind. i'm not worried at all. i feel so stress free right now it makes me sick! not really, but you know... maybe i will just pop in a movie or somethin... get some ice cream, heat up some popcorn... why worry about sleep. i run on so little as it is. peace and love y'all.

Back Home For Christmas

i'm back home, and i feel pretty good. those few days at school after exams, though seemingly pointless, were actually quite useful in that they prepared me to relax. if you were wondering, all RAs had to stay for four days after exams while everyone else checks out because we were the ones doing the checking out. though most everyone left tuesday for home, we stayed until saturday doing pretty much nothing but laying around and watching movies. after all, checking someone out isn't the most strenuous of tasks. it might take all of five minutes depending whether or not they are moving out permanently. coming home last night was difficult though. the drive is long and the cd's are few. i had to choose my music carefully because some of the stuff i have just makes me want to curl up in a warm ball and go to sleep, which could quite possibly compromise my trip home just a bit. the other stuff i have makes me want to lift weights and rip the heads off of barbie dolls... this is what i was limited to on the trip home. rolling down the window off and on also prooved to be most stimulating. my most prized tactic, however, is audibly telling jokes to myself that i make up on the spot. when i'm by myself and tired, everything has potential to be funny... even almost being pulled by highway patroll. this is key. but all-in-all i made it home yet again without a ticket and without killing anyone or myself. when i walked in the door my family was decorating the tree and watching christmas vacation. these are two of the most symbolic acts a family can partake in over the holiday season, and we were doing both at the same time. it wasn't for long though. soon the topic came to me and house sitting. was i supposed to go tonight or not? after a few phone calls... here i am. i'm watching two dogs to make sure they don't freeze to death. it's a difficult task because i don't know just how cold a dog can get. i'll probably let them sleep inside tonight, but they seemed fine last night outside. whatever though. i'm sure they'll be fine. i did read white fang... i know what they're capable of. but anyways... the town is different as usual, but i'll adapt. it really is differnt. kinda like living in a different country. at school just about everybody i communicate with, see, and interact with, are my age. now i have the total age spectrum to deal with. it's kinda weird in that sense. i have to re-tone my social skills to fit that of different generations. house sitting is just what i need though. it keeps me from sliding back into high school mode because it keeps me responsible. the downside is that it's only for a week, so i'd better have some kind of responsibility to fall back on soon, or i'm doomed to a lower maturity level. i'm sure something will come up. anyways, i'm going to rest for a bit and go christmas shopping. i hate shopping, but it's really only once a year, so it's no big deal. i can live with it. talk to y'all later. peace and love.

The Decisions I've Made

from the title, you've probably guessed that i've been making a few decisions lately. you'd be right in your assumption because i indeed have. i don't really want to talk about the decisions themselves though. instead, i'd rather discuss the principle behind a decision. there are some things that you decide that are easy, and sometimes you encounter hard decisions, and sometimes when you encounter a difficult decision you make the decision to not make a decision. most of you regular readers know that i believe that each decision one makes has the potential for an enormous effect on his or her future, as well as the future of those around them. it's a principle better known as the butterfly effect. having realized this, making decisions now is only more difficult, especially the hard ones. it seems like saying the words is the easiest part, though that is hard in itself. but the true difficulty comes from sticking to your word. soon after you make such decisions, temptations can ensue that challenge it. soon you don't even know if the decision you made was wise or not. afterall, you feel even more miserable now than before.

for me, the battle i face involves strength i fear i don't have, though i immagined i did at the outset. it's as if i were swimming accross a vast amount of water to a distant island only to find half way that i neither have the strength to finish, nor the hope of getting back. alone my thoughts are a torment, but in company i feel as if i have none at all. for the first bit, i played it off rather well though. i received compliments because people were under the impression that i felt better than usual while all along it was simply my pride attempting to save me from public conversation. now it is not so easy to hide. i find myself unfit for being alone and at the same time, unfit for company. it is the most difficult type of decision to make of them all. it requires the conquering of memory. for me, memory is one of my greatest strengths. i remember the things that made me feel alive especially, and i hold on to them. now it is up to me to force those memories into something of a dream, something nice that happened, but then again... didn't really happen.

i have experienced this before. i know the steps involved. it's like any sickness though in that everybody has their home remedies. i suppose it's just the kind of decision that you make where you hope and pray that you are wrong, but when you see that it makes someone else better, you know that you are right. it is in that that i face the largest paradox. in any other case, i sort of enjoy being right, and i also enjoy making other people feel better, but when making others feel better requires self sacrifice of happiness... it's just difficult, and i do not enjoy being right at all. there are some pains that i pray the Lord take, and He does, but then there are others such as this one that i pray, and nothing changes. in this... i am confused... not in the Will of the Lord, but in my decision. did i do what was right, and if i did, why does it feel so horrible, and when will the good of it be revealed? the answers to these and many other questions i know not, but i do know that going to sleep helps a little bit. peace and love...

The Days Seem Not to End

as many of you know, and many of you share the same grievances, this is exam week. it is a time when one is the most vulnerbable. you can be made or broken with but an hour put off from your studies. needless to say, it has been a bit unfcomfortable for the past few days, and will continue to be so untill the semester comes to its graceless end. i'm getting done what needs to be done though, as hard as that is. it's so easy to get stuck on unimportant things here though. i've been starving myself from most forms of entertainment, but i've still got so much to do.

that's a common theme among any college student right now though. but what's going on in my life that's out of the ordinary. not much i'd have to admit. and that's funny because considering what i go through outside of campus, alot is going on out of the ordinary, but for me, here... it just seems normal. normal stress, normal good times, normal... everything. i'm waiting for a meteor to fall out of the sky one night, completely obliterate the science building, and force the school into class cancelations. now that would be something of note. i tell you no lie though. all we really need here is some theme music, and college could be a movie. it's rediculous... it truly is. so many people staggaring around with torn brains, torn bodies, and torn emotions. one could almost swear that this was a war zone. i, however, am finding my way out of all of that. i wish i could explain even half of what is going on in my life right now to you. it's amazing yet at the same time tradgic. i'm becoming more alive but yet dying at the same time. i've been thinking alot about what things could become as opposed to what they will become on my current path. it's a scarry thought, but life is a scarry life, as many of us are figuring out.

anyways, i'm gunna head out. i've got lots of studying to do. three exams on thursday and one exam next tuesday. hope all is well where you reside. peace and love...

All in the Perspective

it's funny the way we perceive life sometimes. it's a lesson i've been learning all week. for mere human beings with only a three-dimensional understanding, we sure credit ourselves for knowing alot of stuff when we really don't know anything at all. often times we jump to conclusions or maybe we just see things in a negative light. you can look at any situation just as you can look at any person and you can see whatever it is you want to see. it's almost like looking at a painting or reading poetry. the artist or author may have an intended purpose for the work, but you see in it what you want to. and so we go about our busy lives every day, doing the things that must be done. we see life from a perspective. now this perspective is quite complex in its stucture and can be noted as having great sway over our character. what do you see in a day? at the end of the day when someone asks you genuinly how your day was and you tell them, what is it that you pick out? alot of times we only think about the bad things that have happened to us, and some days that can be really easy. for me, i have the hardest time being positive on a cold rainy day with early classes, a heavy work load, and lots of extracarricular stuff to do. if something bad happens to me on top of that, i feel almost cheated, and i aquire a sort of bitterness. but what's the problem here. it's not the exterior, but the interior that is at fault.

i would dare say that there are just as many, if not more, positive things that happen to you on your worst day, than there are bad. now of course i'm willing to elasticise this statement being that there are some pretty bad days out there, but 99.9% of it is perspective. my theory is that we look past the things that are good maybe because they are regular and comfortable to us. it's sort of like that principle i can't remember the name of that involves our nervouse system. when you wear cloths, for example, you initially feel those cloths sliding on, but a few seconds later, you are totally, except for the idea that you are wearing cloths, unaware of their presence. this can be changed with simple concentration, but the reason this is so is because if we felt everything on the surface of our skin, our brains would overload and we would go nuts. irregularities are the only sensations the brain takes note of. try to apply that understanding now to your life. think about all of the good things you have that you either take for granted, or that you have become numb to because of their regularity. you're so comforable and snug in your "blanket of goodness" we shall call it, that you just don't notice it anymore. now the irregularities that come about are comonly negative to your perspective, and being that you have become numb to the positive in your life, your mind has a whole lot of capacity to focus on these few bad things, blowing them way out of proportion.

immagine with me, if you will, that you have just gotten out of the shower, you get dry and then go to the laundry room to put on nice, freshly dried undies, socks, pants, and a shirt. all of the sudden, a ninja flies out from behind the dryer and karate punches you in the face FOR NO GOOD REASON. Are you still thinking about how nice that shower was and how great those cloths felt? NO! at the end of the day when someone asks you how things went, you're probably going to say "horrible! i got punched in the face by a ninja FOR NO GOOD REASON!"

now immagine on a more serious level. the police come to your house, arrest you for unknown charges, drag you to jail away from your family, your bed, and your meals. there, you sit in a hole with no running water, no heating, air, or ventilation. you are now... uncomfortable. this is officially a negative experience. why? because now you are aware of what comforts you had because they are gone. now you can see just how many good things you posessed. you are, in a sense, "naked".

so now we have to have an attitude check. are we really that conceited and prideful? i know i can be. we take things for granted often times because we feel like we deserve them, when the truth is, we deserve nothing. each one of us knows that in our innermost core. the question is whether or not we take that seriosly. the truth of the matter is "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away." none of our comforatbilities are eternal except for the knowledge and faith we have in Jesus. everything you have can potentially be erased tomorrow.

summarize: in conclusion, i'd say negative attitudes are conceited and prideful. the trick is keeping your mind tuned to the positive things, not taking any one thing for granted. on cold rainy days with lots to do, you have to attempt to find good hiding even in the apparently bad situations, and when no good can be found, you should then attempt to dwarf its size by the blessings you have received and are aware of. piont in case: Job. he had everything taken away from him and STILL praised God. he saw that what little he had still surpassed the negative occurances in his life. that is something i truly aspire to. Paul also talks about contentment in all things which is another aspiration of mine. for now though, i'm probably going to hit the sack and sleep in all day tomorrow. i'm going to have to do my laundry soon, so i hope no ninjas are hiding in the basement. but seriously think about that. it's been an interesting train of thought for me this week that i thought i might share with you. peace and love.

Sickness

so i've learned this semester one important lesson. you can always tell who cares about you and who doesn't. there are people who say they do but don't mean it and then there are those who can't say it but you can just tell. the ones who truly care for you are the ones who keep track of you. when you hurt, they're the first in line, when you're tired they're the first in line, when you have something exciting to tell someone, they're the first in line. they genuinly want to know more about you. the ones who don't... well... don't. they just stay around you maybe because they think they can get something off of you or maybe they just feel guilty if they don't. in any sense, it's an important lesson to learn. who are your friends and who aren't.

being sick for the past few days has been suprisingly good for me. it's kept my mind off of things that i shouldn't be wasting time thinking about. exams are coming up soon which is bad, but atleast i'll be focused on my objective instead of zoned out all of the time. i found out that i have the flu though. hope i haven't made anyone sick... but it's really not all that bad. i don't ever throw up which is a good thing. it makes any sickness i ever get that much easier to deal with. i'm not currently at the "go to the nurse" stage yet, but if i get there, it'll be my last resort. i enjoy fighting off sickness by myself. no medicine, no doctors... unless of course it is a serious sickness. i don't quite consider the flu to be serious though. strep throat, yes... pnemonia... yes... colds and flus and other bugs... no way.

i've got alot of catching up to do though before i can safely end this week. it's going to be busy and it's going to kick my butt in the midst of my illness, but i don't care. after being home for thanksgiving i've been hurled into a different mindset. i'm here to complete one objective and one objective only. when i'm done with that, i'm going home and i won't look back for another month. peace and love