Not Much Happened

the title is pretty self explanatory for the day. not much happened. i've been working hard on that take home test that my math professor gave me, but it's got me stumped so tomorrow i'm going to go to math lab and get it all worked out. most of the day was pretty average though. it was beautiful weather, but i couldn't enjoy very much of it. i had lots to do though. i had to get the song that i'm doing for the recording session this weekend burned to cds to give to all of the fabulous people involved, and i had to study like a mug for biology and math. i was, however, feeling slightly productive today. i took it upon myself to do my laundry AND clean my room so that i could spend the rest of the week with one less thing on my mind. i also took a two hour nap today and woke up feeling great because before that i felt like i was going to hurl. after waking up i ate at the caf (go fig) and then went back to my room to settle. i put on some peasant music and began training again. training for what you say? why, i'm re-training in taekwondo. that's right. i'm putting my body back into shape so that i can teach others and have people around campus to fight so i can get energy out the fun and safe way. that excited me though. it was a very peaceful time which i ended with a cold shower and a warm cup of green tea with honey and sugar. then i began my math homework with made me slightly angry, but then again i felt so relaxed that i wasn't nearly as bothered as i usually would have been. the rest of the day has been pretty quiet, but i know that tomorrow holds a storm for me. it's the dreaded thursday. but i also am holding the super smash brothers tournament tomorrow night at 8, so that will be fun. i don't know how i'll do, but i love tournaments. as for now i'm going to bed so i can wake up for my eight o'clock class feeling refreshed. nothing is worse than sitting through a 3 hour biology class with heavy eyes. thanks to those of you who have been praying for me, because if you have, then i have been feeling it. my dreaded decision is not yet made, or it might be... i don't know. i guess it's all depending on the manner of which the deadline hits me... and i'm not too sure when that is... but my feelings are so mixed up. i'm working on being as rational as i can because my emotions are really clouding things up. i'm still playin it smooth though. hah... i just heard the greatest lyric! it's by ben kweller who says "you must really be hard if you're sleepin well tonight." do you ever wonder what people who put you through unecessary torture feel like? do they think about it at all, or am i just some rare specamin that lets stuff like that tease my brain. sometimes i guess i wish people were loosing sleep like me over matters at hand, but most of the time you just have to face reality and realize that it's your battle to fight and no one elses... battle battle battle blah blah blah. let me think about more peaceful things. i wish i could just walk outside tomorrow and magically be at the beach where no one else is. i think i would just sit there all day, and if i felt like it, i would walk up and down the shore until night. then i would lay down on a dune and watch the lights of the fishing boats out at sea, and i'd probably write a song. the song would probably be about the fickle spins that life plays on you when you least expect, and how for some reason we are attracted to that like an alcoholic to a bottle of wine. sorry i can't write happy music. i'm not very good at it and i've figured out why. it's because i act out my happiness, but i don't have much of a way to vent my solemn states of mind, so that's what i write about. i'd love to write about how great the sun makes me feel when the weather is just right, but it just doesn't flow from the pen the way serious words do. a slow or meloncholy song grips me so much more than that of a happy upbeat song. i'm going to bed now though. my sparatic thoughts are the first indicator of how tired i am... or maybe it's just listening to ben kweller. peace and love.

Sometimes You Gotta Do it Alone: Got Strenght?

tonight was a grand reminder of one of life's lessons. sometimes you have to do it alone. i've always been the kind of guy who prefers to do things alone. part of that is because i'm a control freak of sorts, but the other part is my failure to communicate well. but again, i've never had a problem doing things alone. it gives me time to think; time to reflect. there are those odd times though when i feel like i need someone, like tonight. not just anyone though. i like to lean on the ones who most closely share my ideals. these are the ones i'd like to call "deep friends". now keep in mind that i don't count any one type of my friends less than the other, but i think we all have specific friends that we go to when we have something heavy on our hearts. tonight, however, was a reminder. sometimes you can't get in touch with those friends. it doesn't work out like it does in the movies where you're on a long reflecting walk and the person you need most just pops out from stage left. no, sometimes we must face these things alone. i think it was by God's design that i walked around campus tonight in hopes of running into someone, and never ending up doing so. because of that i was able to think more deeply than i have in a while about matters that are far beyond simple. so i've done my share of thinking. i must admit it was also rather cold just walking around in a t-shirt and jeans too, but i guess i needed it. but my heart is heavy. sometimes we are required to do things that, despite our deepest desires, we must do. i learned that well over the summer, along with many other important lessons on life. lonliness bites though, but it makes us stronger. and if there's anything in life i persue more, it's strength in all things. part of developing strength, i've learned, is exposing our weaknesses either voluntarily or involuntarily. for example: tonight was involuntary while talking about how you feel might be voluntary. we as human beings are quite clever at hiding our weaknesses though aren't we? we don't want to appear weak for anyone, so the vast majority of us walks around appearing to be strong while in fact they are incredibly weak behind their thin shell. i've seen people take comfort in their weaknesses though too. they hide behind them, becoming overwhelmed by any and everything they can either because of the attention benefits it gains, or because the though of growning is out of the question for them. i find myself definitaly in the first catagory. i don't like exposing my weaknesses because i like to appear strong. i made that decision long ago when i decided never to cry in public again. it was the second grade and i wanted to appear tough, so i made that pact with myself. from that point on i've never cried in public, not once. i've broken bones in public and did not shed a tear until i was alone. none of my friends, not even the best of them, have seen me cry even one tear ever. do you think this has gained me anything? probably not. but it spreads. now i can't even cry in private and haven't for almost four years. i'm not saying that we have to cry to be human, but i'm saying that i've hid my weakness so well for so long. how do you uncover something like that? it takes effort, as i have discussed in my previous journals. conquering yourself must be the hardest task man has to face. but now i shall sleep. i have a busy week and lots to get done between now and tomorrow night. pray for me people because the clock is ticking on the decisions that i must regretably make. that will take strenght that i don't know if i have. peace and love...

Why Think About Marriage?

So for the past few days I've been thinking about marriage, not because it's a favorite topic of mine, but because i had this vivid dream the other night that I was getting married the next day. I found myself in the dream feeling all of these confusing emotions and thinking all these challenging thoughts. I realized then that I would be spending the rest of my life with this girl... wow... so is she the right one? You know we'll probably fight sometime, what are you planning to do about that? How will you act? How will you respond? You're going to have to shift and mature your responsibilities. Can you handle it? I can't tell you how amazingly crazy this dream was though. I was back in my home town and I was driving with my family, but everything had this milky haze over it, more than I'd ever seen before. I though maybe it was smog or maybe it was humidity, but it couldn't have been. Anyways, I saw all of my friends and I realized that life was about to take a huge leap for me. Nothing would ever be the same. Was I satisfied with living my single life? Was I ready to make such a strong committment?

I used to dismiss these thoughts back about a year ago. It wasn't until several happenings over the summer that I was awoken to one reality. With my goals in mind, it wouldn't be too out of the question to start looking for a wife now. I decided in high school I wouldn't date casually again because that just gets you needlessly hurt, and as I was hiding in the comfort of my masculinity slowly the need for women faded (but did not die out). But this summer, God put something in my heart. It's a lonliness that I feel. Not a loniless due to lack of friends, because I have many great and loyal friends, but a lonliness for the part of my soul that I have not yet found. That one person out there that completes me and makes me that final piece that God has designed me to be. I've always thought of it like thinking about getting your driver's license. When you're 10 years old, it's just a distant dream to have your license and you always think of what you could do with such power. But by age 14 you are realizing that your dream is closing in and that it also comes with a new level or responsibility. In turn you start practicing driving and saving money for a car, educating yourself in every way possible. So that's where I am right now. I think I'm ready to sign up for Marriage Ed.

So what now? I don't know, but I've got a few ideas. I know that God isn't going plop my future wife through the ceeling or anything. Nothing comes without some sort of effort in life on our part. Why else would God give us a brain? But anyways, I figure I've got to look. I know what I want, or sort of. I want first and foremost someone who I can talk to: Someone who can be there for me no matter what. Having a great time together also seems to be important, but with my chaotic mind, that will be hard to find. I suppose those are the descriptions of a friend, but those are the most important to me because I've poured myself into people in the past that gave nothing back in return and that's no fun. Friends is good though, and I'm not talking about casual friends, but the kind of friend you call when you're upset and talk to. That's the kind of friend relationship I wish my marriage to be built on. That's all I've really decided on as of right now. I think if that works out then everything else will pretty much fall into place. I must ready myself though. I'm anything but ready as far as the needed maturity level is concerned. I also couldn't support a wife right now simply because... I DON'T HAVE A JOB!

I suppose we all want that magic moment though. You know, when time freezes up and you stand staring breathless at her and she stares back at you and then you know "she's the one". Funny as this sounds, I don't think that happens. I think sometimes the two most unlikely couples end up together. They might meet eachother on bad terms or they might find eachother despicable, but then they get married. I honestly hope I'm not that guy, though I wouldn't complain because the only way I'd marry a girl is if I were completely in love with her. But I want that magic moment while at the same time having the rollercoaster of a beginning relationship. Perfection in these instances, I find to be boring. Who wants to know that the "he" or "she" is perfect right off the bat. No tough times to season a relationship. No work or effort. It's like early retirement. All you do is sit around the house naked and watch tv while all of your friends go to work, so you wind up building a workshop in your garage and breaking furniture around the house just so you can put it back together agian. In the mean time, you're putting on extra weight and you develop a pale complexion as you haven't been compelled to put on cloths and step outside in some great length of time. You begin to stuble upon Re-run soaps only to find yourself quoting the lines as the Chineese take-out boxes rise higher and higher towards the ceeling. And don't even think about shaving, that's right out of the question. Who's going to put on cloths and go to the store to get extra razor blades? I didn't think so. Everything that comes to your house either gets there by mail via internet or by delivery boy. All of this will change of course when your new golf cart arrives. Yes, the golf cart that every young man has always dreamed of having so they can drive around the neighborhood and go to little league games and yell at the ump... and maybe the pitcher, all of this only to procalim that "Yes, I have NO JOB!" Wow, what a tangent I have run off on! I shall let you all get on with your business now. Have a blessed day. Peace and love...

Many Topics to Discuss: Nathan Displeased

The first topic I feel compelled to discuss tonight, being that it is Sunday, is the topic of worship. Now worship here at Belmont University is a touchy subject. The reason being is that among music business students, we are aware of the artists that are out there making worship albums because it's an easy cash crop. Worship music is redundant, it says the same things most of the time, and the music is simple. This may be, but there are some people out there that use that music to actually worship God, as suprising as that may seem to some. I think a wise thing to do if you believe that there is a devine being over the universe would be to leave those folks who worship God through such music alone. You say it is wrong to say "I love Jesus" because it is cliche. Well, I hope it is said enough to be considered cliche honestly. And if Jesus is who he said he was, and he comes back like the good book says he will, I wouldn't want to be the one pissed off at all the people who say they love him. If i were to say I love my family, would I be cheezy? If I were married and I were to say that I love my wife, would that be cliche? In the same way, the God of the universe who died for me not because he had to but wanted to, if I were to say I loved him are you going to hate me? I think the outcome of such bitterness has come from those who love God with their lips and their lips only, but if you plan on generalizing those of us who are genuine in with the hypocrits then don't expect me to sit back and take it easy when you hint at such subjects. Christians are supposed to be meek, but we're not supposed to be nice. I WILL challenge you if you bash worshipers. I personally find greater pleasure in worshiping God in a more complex manner than the redundant worship songs that have become so popular, but that is because I understand the vastness of music and it's potential, not because I hate people who do not understand the same things. We are called to worship God, and you must understand that as Christians we are destined to worship God for eternity. So if you hate worshiping God because you don't like the way it's done, then that requires independant soul searching. Worship does not come out of the music played. It is an internal celebration of the Grace of God by your spirit. Those who have received that grace and understand it are the ones who worship in genuine passion and they can do so to any form of music and the most simple and childlike of lyrics. Why? Because they understand that the music is not what God hears. The words are not what God hears either. God hears what our hearts scream out during worship. He hears us hate and love Him. So certainly a church might be singing in unison, but if you were to hear the sound from God's perspective, you would hear silence, you would hear crying, you would hear shouts of rage, you would hear hateful sarcastic remarks, and you would hear humility and passion. I merely bring this up because if you honestly and genuinly believe and accept what the scripture teaches and believe that Jesus is salvation, then harassing those who come to him in humility would be a bad idea. Remember that as you judge the hearts of these, your heart will be judged to the same manner (without any knowledge of your individual self and your convictions, but by the mere display of your presence).

Subject Two: Nothing in life will ever come to you. If you want something, God has endowed you with that which is needed to attain it. If you want peace, you must seek. If you want to succeed in your education, you must study. If you want to thrive as a musician, you must practice. If you want to be loved, you must strive to love. And if you want holiness, you must persue it. Now we have to decide what it is that we want don't we? Our lives are short and we don't have time to concentrate on everything because if we did we would find ourselves familiar with, but lacking in everything. This is the hardest part of our journey I think. Especially right now as many of us are yet uncertain of who we are and what we want to be. Our personal will is finally maturing into our individual will seperate from the world around us and we are confused as to where we want to go now. There is a great vastness all around us, and our destinations are unclear, but we must choose. Even sitting idle is a choice, but it is a choice that must be made. We all know of the amazing product of such musicians as Mozart who spent their entire lives studying music. They put all of their effort into it and it in return yealded great things. We as individuals all have that God-given opportunity to thrive at what we set our hearts towards. And we are not told what we are to do, but we have a choice. So what do you want to do? What do you want to yeald profit in? Do you want money and success? Do you want relationships that are meaningful and eternal? Do you want to be pure in the way you live life? I have come to realize that the ammount of time we have to invest in these things is limited, but I wish to have both a pure life and meaningful eternal relationships. Lesser than these are my success, my music, and my educational wellbeing. I have placed these in order of importance to me, not others. But this means that I will actually have to put forth effort. I can't expect to have purity if I do not desire it enough to persue it. The same goes with relationships. Why should I expect to be wisked away in a relationship if I do not put forth effort? It doesn't happen. But relationships are more complicated. They're more of a two way deal unlike all of the others. Your school work doesn't have to put forth equal effort to you in order to bring out your educational success. But whoever you are with has to put out atleast some effort, or it will not work. You will wind up in love with someone who cares nothing for you. There are few things in life that are worse than this mistake: A mistake I will not make twice.

For the most part I think I've pretty much got it all off of my chest. Now I have to go to bed or else I'll pay dearly this week. Peace and love.

Morning Journal?!? Something MUST be Goin Down

I bet no one ever expected me to be doing this, and I must admit, I suprise myself. I, as many of you know, am not much of a morning person, but this has become ever necessary. I have so much work to do this week that I'm not even sure if I'll get it all done. Of course, deep down I know that I will simply becasue failure is not an option, but I'm telling you, this is alot of work. That's why I'm up so early this morning. I'm going to start working just as soon as I finish waking up. So far, it hasn't really been that bad. I went to bed sort of early last night, and I only hit the snooze button twice. After that I took a long shower and came back to my room, heated up some Irish Breakfast tea, pulled out a breakfast crescant (I have no idea how to spell that... but it's French), and sat down to allow my mind to digest before I begin working. I figured the best way for me to digest would be to start writing a journal, so that's the main reason I'm writing right now. Strangely though, I don't have much to say. I think it's because my mind is being engaged in other places right now like math class, spanish, and biology. These are the classes that I'm going to have a difficult time in. I have three tests this week out of the five classes I am enlisted in. I also have a few big assignments due of which I haven't began yet. This is what I wanted though. I wanted something to come and jolt me back in to the position of taking work more seriously, and I dare say that my wish has come true. I cannot delay anylonger though, so I must be signing off. Hope everyone is doing well. Peace and Love...

Here I am Post Week

this week was tough, yes, but i think next week will give me the most accurate picture of how hard this semester is going to be. i was hoping that i would be able to completely rest this weekend, but i don't think that's meant to be. i have a few tests to study for and i have some organization to get done. all the plans i had went up in smoke, but that's never really bothered me too much because my plans are always subject to change. i try not to make solid plans because i don't like the disappointment of them falling through. there are just too many factors that i can't control for me to confidently look forward to my plans. so where do i rest right now. i suppose i feel a bit agressive. oddly enough, this has been a frequent feeling for me after the sun goes down. maybe i'm turning in to a warewolf or something... all except for the overabundance of hair. it might be that i just don't have an outlet right now, but that might change soon. i think i'm gunna get some guys together to buy some sparring gear so that we can fight on the soccer field. that would be fun. right now i have to go though cuz my shift is over and i have other things to do. peace and love...

A Day of Chaos to a Day of Organization

my my my, how time does fly when you've got alot to do. if only i could utalize the time i have on boring days, store it in a bottle, and unleash it on days like today when the time aloted doesn't seem even close to enough. this, as some of you may know, was that day out of the week where i always have SOMETHING to do. in some ways i'm thankful that it goes by fast, but on others, like today, i appreciate any extra time i may stumble upon. right now i just completed cleaning my room and settling down for a nice relaxing night before i finish off my week and hit pure relaxation for the first time since last saturday. i'm multi-tasking right now too. i'm watching one of my favorite movies and typing this journal at the same time. it just so happens that i stumbled across "the legend of 1900" today while i was at tower records with clayton. i love this movie, and my plan is to fall asleep watching it. tomorrow i'm going to get started early because i need to get alot of last minute stuff done. infact... i just set my clock back an hour earlier just to make sure i get up. i'm not really sure i have a system set up as far as my daily activities go, but i'm working on it. i have so much to get straightened out this year! oh, but i had a pleasant suprise in the mail today. i love getting mail from people i know, but karl sent me the pictures of our gallon challenge last christmas break... and i would post a picture, but my picture posting abilities seem to be at a standstill right now. you'll just have to trust me when i say they are GREAT pictures. i have them all posted on my door. i'm gunna finish watching my movie now though and then i'm going to bed. i have a rather big day tomorrow, so goodnight, peace and love...

Going once... Going twice... SOLD!

yeah, today was the pembroke date auction which was a huge success for us as a whole. the ladies that showed up were bidding quite high on average, and my confidence was boosted up as well. last year, as some of you may know, i went for only a whopping $8 which was, needless to say, a blow to my self esteem. this year, however, things were different. i didn't go for $8, no no. i went for $68! yes, and who ended up making the highest bid might you ask? none other than the lovely Ivy Lee Beck. isn't that funny? she's like the only one here who knows what it's like comin from high point, and i even know her family. anyways, i felt good, but right now i'm exausted. the day was pretty basic utnil about two o'clock when i started helping with the set up for the auction. that lasted until around 6:30 and then i got cleaned up, attended the auction, and then packed up at the end. all-in-all, a satisfying day. there were a few situations that came about that gave me some up and downs, but they just turned out to be miscommunications, which was cool by me. speaking of which, it turns out i'm not really rejected emotionally as i stated in my last journal. i just figured i was simply because that's the way it has worked up until now, but again, new things happen every day reguardless of how much you think you know. that's what's great about life. i wouldn't trade the bad situations that i face daily for the world, not because i'm a masacist, but because i learn so much. tomorrow is what i'm really worried about though. i have to wake up at eight o'clock again and sit through a three hour biology class. talk about getting your day started off right. i think i'll probably just curl up and die or something, but i'll go. i have no other choice really. i do have to get a paper typed tomorrow though, and i have to pay my phone bill, which i have yet to do, but i'm getting all of this done before the weekend because i'm not worrying about ANYTHING when saturday hits. instead i'm going to sleep in, wake up, shower, do something creative, spend time with the folks here i care about, and then i'm going to work the desk. after that, i might just stay up late because i feel like it, and then i'm going to bed. sunday, i'll wake up and go to church and then i'll come back and CLEAN UP MY ROOM! it's a mess in here because i've hardly been in it all week. i've really not been that busy, and when i get back i don't feel like cleaning as i usually would, but i just crash... or write a journal and then crash... but for now i think i'm in the clear, other than the school work that i still have to do. i always get that stuff done though, so i'm not overly concerned. i hope all of you learned something valuable today whether it be large or small. until i write again, peace and love.

Pashion, Patience, and Poetry

So here I am after another long day, sitting at my desk by my soft single 45 watt bulb, listening to music that most fits my mood at this moment, and trying to sort through the day to figure out exactly what just happened. Do you remember my earlier journals talking about getting back into the kind of thought that delved deep into life and it's many callenges? Well, I've finally thrown off summer and returned to that point again. One thing I've learned about life this year is that there's always suprises reguardless of how much you think you know. There's always a new definition of joy, a new definition of pain, of stress, and of confusion that can hit you in the face all at once.

This past summer I was able, only by God's direction, to conquer a pain that has lasted almost three years. When that was all said and done with, I was suprised to find myself overjoyed because, after all, the outcome wasn't quite what I had hoped it would have been, though I did expected it. The product of joy was such that was hard to describe other than the feeling a person must have with a terminal illness when they wake up the next morning only to find out it is gone. What do you do with something like that? Fortunately it is recent enough for me to remember. I spent the next few days not thinking about what I was over, but instead I though of how great it was that I wasn't thinking about it. For the first time in three years I had this extra space in my mind to think about other things, and quite honestly it took me a while to figure out what to put there.

Getting back to school seemed to happen at sharp point rather than a slow transition. I'm not quite sure why that was, but I know I was glad to see change. When i got here it seemed that the problems I had to face initially, were nothing compared to anything of my past, so I was fully equiped to face each and every challenge. It wasn't until after a few weeks that I realized something had developed that was out of my control. It was new and wild and I didn't know what to think about it. All I can really say without incrimination is that I let my walls down and took a risk.

So here we are on that topic of walls again. If you remember me saying earlier this year, I find myself to be a very unemotional person, but my mom thinks I'm extremely emotional, and to cope with that I build the biggest and thickest walls out of anyone she knows. At that point in time I was questioning whether or not that's true, and I've figured out now that it is, though not via a positive experience. See, when I let my walls down and I am in my rawest form, I don't know how to control that emotion. I haven't had the practice. If it tells you anything, I promised myself I would never cry in public when I was in the first grade, and I have never broken that promise. Could I cry now if I wanted to? probably not. But let me get back on subject here for a moment if I may. It always seems that whenever I lower my gates, I scare people away. Can you guess how this makes me feel? Except for my few most faithful friends and family members who have seen and know who I wholey am I have everyone else backed up to a specific distance from me where they dare not come closer. Either that, or they are behind a wall that they have never seen through before, and come to mention it, might not even realize that there is even a wall there. This is my weakness. This is what I have to conquer this year. But you know something, I'm also an incredibly stubborn person. No matter how many people I scare away with my true self, I'm not going to stop. I'll get stronger and I'll be able to endure more.

So I'm fully confident that God wouldn't have laid this before me if He wouldn't deliver me through it. I know it must change, and I am going to practice controling my emotion. I am going to step out on a limb infront of everyone, fully knowing that they might push me away, and I'm going to live as who I am, instead of a coin with two sides. It's going to take some patience though, as I expect such a transition to take quite some time, but I feel up to it. That's another thing I've got in my favor. I love challenge. That's why I procrastinate, thats why I take on large tasks by myself, and that's why I run that extra lap when I feel like I'm about to vomit or pass out. Challenge: it's a beautiful thing.

As for now, I have a date auction to attend tomorrow. I think I'm going to go for alot more than last year simply because lately, for some reason, the ladies have been checking me out. Maybe that might be because this year I have a pungent scent of confidence that permiates the air more-so than my cheap cologne. Or maybe it's because I still have a tan left over from the summer. I don't know and I don't care. I just want to go for more than eight bucks this year! Wish me luck ladies and gentlemen. I don't hope you necissarily enjoy your days tomorrow, as bad as that may sound, but instead, I hope that you learn something meaningful through pleasure or discomfort, as those seem to be the conductors of meaning. Peace and love...

Where'd This Week Go?

i did have a wonderful stupendous journal written up for you the other night, but unfortunately it would not publish due to server difficulties, so i'm trying again tonight. mainly what i was going to discuss was the absolute success of rush this week. both events were incredible with an amazing turnout, and now all i have to do is sit and wait for the results to see how many actually accepted their bids. so what else has been happening? well, last night after i got back from handing out bids, i got real sick. i don't know what it was because not much happened other than pure nausia, but i think it had to do with the fish sandwich i had for dinner. turns out all i needed to do was burp alot and i felt fine. as for my sleep last night, i didn't get much in. i seemed to be extraordinarily restless, but eight o'clock came this morning and i drug myself to biology. i am just a few hairs away from finally being situated as a student here at this fine establishment, but those hairs away are another word for another book and a keyboard away from being situated here at this fine establishment. i have that on my plate as well as math class which is going to send me in to a fenzy if i'm not careful. the third anual pembroke date auction is coming up though, and i can't wait for that! it'll be next wednesday, so i have exactly until next wednesday at 8 pm to get my suprise routine down and hope for the best. i'm determined to beat my record of going for eight dollars last year. that was a shot of cold harshness that i wasn't expecting. as for tomorrow, i don't have too much planned. i've got the three straight hours of class to attend, but then i'm done. i sort of like it like that. i think this weekend i'll play a lot of catch up on work that i have due so i can rest in complete comfort, and maybe i'll find some time for recreation in between there. as for now, i'm going to make my path towards bed becasue i still do have to finish class tomorrow... peace and love.

Dizzy Yet?

today was satisfying but could have been potentially bad. i suppose it was even set up to be bad, but then it is amazing how God works isn't it? i arose this morning at 7:30 having only four hours of sleep the night before. i then went to my biology class where the only thing i comprehended for that 50 minutes was that my farts are made up of one carbon molecule and four hydrogen molecules (that's the component for methane). after that, i ate breakfast, bought my biology book (only two more books to go) and then went back to my room to take a nap. i felt weird for a greater portion of the day though. i had this strange pain in my chest that seemed to go all the way through from my sternum to my back bone. it felt like someone shoved a pole through my chest because i couldn't move any muscles in my torso without it bothering me. after giving that a few hours to fade i went to spanish, played ping-pong with the viking, and then went to my math class. that class seems to never end, and i wish i were doing something like mopping a floor instead of counting the number of times my professor says the letter x in a sentence. i guess that's a kind of math though. adding... but when that was over, it was go time, and i mean go time. my phone was pretty much ringing off the hook for the rest of the evening over RUSH. that's right, RUSH was today, and i'm in charge of that. so responsibility jousted me in the face and i had to make sure everything was accounted for and then get to cooking. at first, there was a feeling of impending doom as hurricane francis was weighing dark over the campus and the burgers fell apart on the gril. but this didn't stop me. oh no! i don't let simple things like rain or liquid meat phaze me at all! i squeezed out over 40 burgers and slammed the new firm patties down on the hot gril that went out after a few more minutes. clayton and matt were of great help as well. clayton got the grill re-started and matt helped me set everything up as well as driving me to the gas station so i could buy ice for the cooler. six o'clock rolled around and no one was showing up so i was certain that i had failed my first RUSH event and began to lower my head to the ground, but all of the sudden droves of hungry and curious young college students began to come in waves, eating burger after burger and talking to all of us. two ladies representing two different sororities also came, and we were able to saranade them to show off our lady skills to the probationary members. it was the most successful RUSH event i had ever witnessed, with one of the greatest outcomes. it didn't even rain, God be praised! tomorrow is a different story though, but i've got that worked out so far. after clean up, i got a shower and started studying for my music theory proficiency test tomorrow. that's going to be really rough, but i'm not worried about it. i get three chances, and i am improving rapidly, so i have confidence in myself. after studying i got my room all cleaned up again and played some games with the guys on the hall. now i'm sitting here listening to jazz, drinking hot earl grey, and eating cheeze and crackers. things couldn't be better. and tomorrow i will be waking up two hours early to study and start my day off right. well, i must go now. peace and love my pretties.

We Perservere... Wait, What Time is It?!?

as time progresses on this second year of my higher education, i have taken in to note several changes that have come to surface. this realization was all spurred by the viewing of our home movies recorded here last year which i then compared to my present state here this year. first off, i have changed physically. my face is very different than last year, and my voice seems to have changed a few frequencies as well. i think that is directly responsible to working at the pool this summer. that probably put more years on my face than any amount of growing up ever has. the second thing i realized is how different the environment is this year. last year i was crazy and spontanious. we all had the world by our pockets and we ran a muck. this year, however, we friends have been split up across campus. some of us have left (chun we miss you), and some of us have new responsibilities. it came to me that the years to come will never be like my freshman year, and that was an incredible year full of good memories and good times. i even catch myself walking to my old room and looking around, hearing the voices and laughter that was there a year prior and then waking back up to reality. i am now bound to the responsibility of being an RA. i can no longer be wild and crazy and off the wall because i have to be an example to others. that's a hard realization to grasp for me because spontinuity and excitement is who i am. i am thankful though that i do not have to deal with an even more difficult situation. in a way it is a blessing that we friends have been dispersed across campus because if we were all here in pembroke and everything was close to similar, then i would have to choose between being a good friend, or being responsible, and that would be an even more difficult change than this. we are still in communication though, and the year is young. i suppose i'm more spontanious and exciting this year, two weeks in, than i was last year at this time. i'm going to give it more time to settle because though i feel like i have set back in to my college groove, reality declares that i have not. as for class, tomorrow i have an eight o'clock. how does this make me feel? HORRIBLE! i am the world's worst morning person because the lifestyle of male college existence demands that i be late night. i do most everything at these hours, including homework, straigtening up the room, laundry, and/or songwriting. when morning comes i am dead to everything, and though i wake up for an eight o'clock enough to carry my heavy body to the class, i don't actually mentally wake up until noon anyways. this puts my eight o'clock class on the top of my study list (of course... right under math... my kryptonite). but my schedule isn't nearly as demanding as that of an honors student. this means that i do still have time to be spontanious and yet learn at the same time to better manage my time. having lots of time can often become dissolusioning, but i like it. i can better build upon relationships with people and be creative myself. i don't EVER want to be the type of person that fits others in to a schedule, though sometimes i understand that this is a necessity. i just feel like a chore instead of a friend when others fit me in right next to homework and laundry. it makes me feel like i'm imposing upon valuable time that could be better spent, which makes me feel weird. i'm not really saying that this is wrong or anything, but i don't want other people to feel like that with me. primarily i don't want my family, both present and future, to feel like an agenda. that must just be part of my spontanuity though. or maybe it isn't. maybe it's the experience i've had on the mission field where i was seperated from the almighty american time piece and put on a schedule that had no designated time. things were done according to prioritization instead of by what time my watch said. it was then that i realized what time has become here in this culture. time, more or less, has become a god that we worship. evolutionists give it credit for creation, it is omnipresent, it cannot be destroyed, it slowly kills us, and there's nothing we can do about it but conform to its will. is that the kind of god i wish to worship? how about no! but i do every day. i'll say "sorry God, but it's time for me to do homework so i can't worship You or read Your word." or "sorry God, this is my designated fun hour, i don't have time to pray." so what have we become? maybe we shouldn't be concerned about keeping a good schedule, but prioritizing. in the grand scheme of things, is it more important that you do your laundry at X time, or should you invest in others. should you help a friend in dire need, or should you go to class because it is "time". Of course God expects us to not waste our time being idle in anything, but doing everything in wisdom. it's just that in this it should be God that we are pleasing, and not time. this interesting and random thought came to me last year when a new idea of scheduling was introduced to me. i've also been hurt in relationships where people "fit me in" when i needed them. so let us try this then. let us compromise the schedule and priority with a prioritized schedule. we have the things marked down (if you need to actually write it down) in the day that we need to do, and an estimated time alloted for us to do it, but then we have priorities as well. things that we will do that just might run in to something else. a problem someone has that they come to me with, just might interrupt class time, but they are the priority because on my death bed, my schedule will mean jack squat.
but let me wrap this up. maybe i'm totally off in my thinking with this concept or maybe i'm not. if i have any new revelations, i'll be sure to inform you. all i have to say in finish is that don't take advantage of those who do have a shedule, making them feel bad that they don't spend time with you. that's selfish on your behalf (self convicting statement). don't get ticked off with people that don't have a schedule because they just might not need one. and all of those who have interrupted their schedule for me, making me a priority: there is nothing in the world that feels better than such a sacrifice as that, and if push comes to shove, i will wear stinky socks and a dirty shirt for one more day if you need me during laundry time. peace and love.