hey everybody, guess WHAT! ya know that web page i've been talking about for the longest time? well, it's finally up and running. now i'm not done fixing everything quite yet. it still has a long way to go. i just figured i would do it tonight and have it done with... now i'm not making any promises because i am a college student and time isn't exactly in abundance here, but i plan on updating it quite often. i want to give everyone a visual feel for what goes on in my life. that's pretty much all the website is. i also plan on putting some of my music on the site eventually, but we'll just have to see how that goes. i'm not quite sure of what html code i need to know to perform that task, but i think i have a pretty good idea. well, i suppose you're waiting for the address, so here it is http://www.geocities.com/guyandguitar19/ . in the site you will find a link that will bring you back here, so it's kinda connected in a way... after doin all that stuff thouhg, i'm gunna hit the pillow and never rise again... untill morning that is...

wow, that was a close one! i almost lost my entire blog over my forgetfulness and trusting in technology. see, i told my computer to remember my password to this account, but when computers get sick they tend to forget important stuff like that, and my computer just got sick... well, moving on, i'm doing this paper on seinfeld. i got to pick the topic myself, and i was thinking how nice it was at first, but now i'm in over my head. i have no idea where to go from here. how exactly do you research a television show? or i guess a better question would be, "what do i want to discover through this topic?" i honestly just like seinfeld, but my paper is coming along. as for school, i've learned to cope with all the stress. i suppose i have no other choice. life never gets easier, it only has vacations (which i wouldn't mind having about now). in a related topic, the closest thing to my heart right now is getting home for thanksgiving. i just want a chance to catch up with myself and see everybody. this time, i'll probably get to see most of my friends. i say most, because i know i won't be able to see all of them :(. well... i guess something bright to look at would be God's answering of my many prayers this week. He has been showing me a great deal of room for improvement in my life, which for the first time, i'm finally being able to stick to the discipline it takes to pull through on that kind of stuff. for the most part right now... life is just good. i can't say that it is easy, but it is good. the thoughts that have been consuming much of my time lately have been focused on self improvement and God's promises coming true. i am really feeling like my life is going in the right direction right now. the clouds are also parting in a sense. not that the work load at school is getting any lighter or anything, but all i really have to say is God is faithful. for the first time in a long time, i have stopped focusing on myself and have been able to see that truth clearly. i guess the last thing i'm going to talk about shall be comical (or at least, i think so). my roommate sleepwalks. and that's not the whole of it because sleepwalking happens to the best of us. the trick is, i've figured out a way to make him sleepwalk. it is the funniest thing ever! you have to wait until he is in a deep sleep. you know this when you yell out his name and he doesn't respond. after that, you ring the gong (yeah, i got this gong at a yard sale at my church. it looks and sounds real, but it's just electronic). as soon as you ring it, he sits right up in bed and starts muttering really weird stuff. if you're lucky, he'll get out of bed and put on a show. i think it has something to do with the soundwaves from the gong interfearing with the brainwaves in his dreams that makes him do this, but so far it's worked every time. maybe i'll be famous or something... help pay my way through college. well, anyways, i'm going to bed (after i get all these ants off of my computer!!!). God bless you all, and have a pleasant (morning/day/afternoon/evening/night) (pick the one that best applies to you.

We (human beings) have a natural fear of danger, but have you ever stopped to think about how dangerous fear is? Well... I just did, and let me tell you about what conclusions I drew. Sometimes I won't do things because I am afraid of what might come of them. What fear does is it allows us to make up legitamate answers in our heads of why we shouldn't and therefore, we convince ourselves that the fear we feel is necessary, when most of the time (at least for me) it isn't. I find myself fearing stupid things. Most of my fears are based on past experiences of pain. I remember when I was little I used to love rollerblading down the sloped street in front of my house. It was one of the best things in the world for me until the day that I, in my confidence, fell off and got scraped up. How long do you think it was before I got back in those roller blades and went down that hill. It was years. I kept telling myself that the pain wasn't worth it and that going down that hill wasn't all that important anyways. I had scars to remind me of this. Over the years I grew more and more passive because I didn't want to get hurt. I was missing out on many things failing to note that God has created my body to heal itself. I just didn't want to hurt, so I solved the problem by not attempting risks. Well, eventually I grew out of this fear of physical activity when I hit puberty. Testosterown (i spelled it wrong because when spelled correctly, it turns in to a hyperlink for some sex drug... isn't that horrible? this is my journal, not an advertisement for viagra!) does strange stuff to us guys. With puberty, though, came a new fear in to my life which replaced the old. This is a fear that I still struggle with and still have scars from, but I am in the midst of moving out of it and into yet another phase of fears. When I was a freshman in high school, I was all excited about girls, so I got a girlfriend as soon as I could. I did not weigh the consequences because I didn't know where to begin. All I knew was that high school girls were hot and "sophisticated" (ah the innocent preceptions of the young). Well, later on I ended up hurting that girl really bad. The relationship got old and I realized that I was wasting time so I broke up with her. She was devistated for a long time and I didn't even really care. In fact, I recall getting quite angry at her for making such a big deal about it. After all, earlier on she cheated on me twice and I didn't complain. After that, I was on top of the world. I remembered what freedom felt like and as a result to reflect my mood, I died my hiar a lighter color (I didn't realize the symbolizm at the time, but it comes into play later). A few years down the road I met another girl and I became fearless once more. She was way out of my league, but I figured I would ask her out anyways. What did I have to loose? (probably alot)... I won't really go in to detail, but eventually she said yes and I was exstatic. I couldn't get to sleep for a few days I was so excited. I was like a little kid about the whole thing, but I was a happy little kid. Well, skipping to the end of that story, complications started rearing thier ugly heads. I was going through a very confusing time in my life, and the funny thing is, when I look back at it now, I can see how I became to her like my first girlfriend became to me, and that kinda hurts (Is that a run-on?). Well, as the story goes, I wrote her a song and was going to play it for her one day, but I was cut short before I even had the chance. I folded that song up and left it in the sound hole of my guitar anticipating that surely she wasn't serious (denial). Then I accepted it and learned how it felt being on the other side of the line. I was upset, but I didn't know what I was angry at. In my pain I grew another fear. I feared and started to be cold towards women. I think I may have even swore my life to celebacy (yikes!!!) but I know I diead my hair black in mourning (like a dumb little addolescent). I guess it was just the fact that she broke up with me while I still liked her, I realized that she now had a piece of me that I could never get back. This became my legitamate excues not to date anymore. I withdrew from society and tried to keep busy so that I wouldn't feel so torn apart. That worked for a while, but it was only a temproary solution. One can only run from their fears for so long. After a while I just began analyzing my fears. For years (yeah... years) I was tortured by questions of why. Finally though, I did some growing up and I made peace, but the scars are permanent. As I bear the scars from my restless youth to remind me of physical pain, I also bear scars on my heart that remind me of emotional discomfort (hearts take longer to heal though). Anyways, now has come the time for me to start really thinking about dating, but I admit that I have, through my fear, legitamized so many excuses, that I, in essence, am afraid to (choppy sentence). Metephorically speaking, I just took the bandages off, and I'm not ready to face the possibility of putting them back on. I suppose my point for this winded journal is to point out what fear really does to us. I'm not saying that you should go out and do the things you fear just to prove a point, because there are things out there that can damage you beyond repair (like slapping a bear cub in the face right in front of its mother... yeah, that would just be dumb). All I'm saying is that if you nurture your fears with excuses and run from them instead of straight out facing them, you will be lonely.
Hope you enjoyed my thoughts, and I hope they were thought provoking. I'll talk to y'all later!

I'm here now. Another day down and so much closer to Thanksgiving break. I really can't wait for a chance to get more than five hours of sleep... yeah, that would be nice. Tonight was my last night as a pledge too. Tomorrow I will become a full fledge Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia brother. Tonight was fun cause we got to do a scavanger hunt all around Nashville and... well... it was fun. This weekend we are going camping though. That should be sweet. I'm going to be cold as anything, but I'm ultra manly, so I think I can handle it. I still have to finish out this week though. I have math tomorrow, so we'll just see how that goes. It's getting hard, but it's almost over. I also have to get things straightened up so I can register for classes soon. I really don't want to get shaft ended on that cause I HATE morning classes now. I need and greatly value my sleep, so hopefully I will be able to work that out. As for life in general... I supose for the most part I am enjoying it. I still have mistakes from the past that haunt me on the occasion, but I really feel that God is finally whiping me into shape. I've gone through many test that I feel have made me stronger, but by no means am I done yet. I'm out for the night, but I'll talk to you later.

i'm too lazy to type in caps today. you will still be able to read this if i don't won't you? well, anyways, i haven't been keeping up with the journal lately and i wonder if you can guess why? that's right, i'm bussy again. it's not quite as bad as before. i have an english research paper to turn in soon, and i just got done having lots of exams, but i'm doing the best i can. the weekend was nice though. i got to do alot of stuff to just kick back and relax. friday i went ice skating with darren, matt, and scott byer (this is in alphabetical order and i will do so with all name lists as to not show favoritism, or i will put ladies first for the same reasons just so you know). we had a pretty good time, and i left with soar legs, but i learned how to do the hockey stop which i have been trying to do for years, but i just figured it out that night. i'm so excited! higher education as already begun eminating from my body as made evident from my learning hockey stops in one night. isn't that wonderful? well, friday night we decided to pitch a tent in the hallway and just sleep there for a while. i was out there for a little while, but then i remember that i really wanted to get some sleep this weekend, so i went back to bed in my own room. i didn't wake up until 1:20 saturday morning, which (even though i don't relly like sleeping in too late) felt pretty good. that night we decided to get a little athletic and go play basketball. the results weren't qute satisfying. i really need to get back in the gym and buff up again. i've got a few things to help aid me until the finish of next semester. see, i'm starting a protein diet with lots of fish and stuff. do you realize how cheap tuna is?!? it's also pretty good for a college snack, so all you not yet college students out there reading this, take note of that. aslo it is important to get a little protein here and there cause all the caf really serves is carbs... now that i think about it,... nah, never mind. anyways, ryan and i are going to start working out together. i think this year will be as promising in muscle gain as the last cause i've actually put on quite a bit of weight. continuing on in our little story, after that we finally went to see it. the last matrix movie ever! and guess where i saw it ladies and gents. WRONG!!! i saw it at the imax theater. that was the most amaizing movie experience i've ever been through. the screen was enourmous and there were so many speakers. they said that if focused correctly, you would be able to see the light from the projector used all the way from the moon! that's a big light folks. the movie was good, we came back, had sauna time, went to bed, i went to church this morning (very good stuff), ate lunch (yuck... cold pizza!) had sushi for dinner (which was pretty cheap... and pretty good), and then basically came back here and am now signing off. also, pray for my folks y'all, they're in guatemala for the week doing medical missions, so they'll need it. i know exactly how they will feel.

The big news today was the break in we had at Pembroke this morning. Third floor got lots of stuff stolen and I've heard through the grape vine that there is some master plan to catch this guy cause now he's been seen. I must admit from what I have heard that I will have compassion on him when he is caught, even though he does deserve to be caught. Of course (and I'm in a very philosophical mood right now) sometimes we all deserve to be caught. I think that in his mind, he has justified his actions to where his conscience no longer vexes him when he commits his hanous acts. If you think about it though, we all do it. Whether or not it directly effects other people as stealing does is another question, but we all do things wrong that we try to justify so that our conscience doesn't make us dwell on it. I do think it quite foolish that he decided to break in to a male dorm though. Male college students are among the most physically fit people in the country. We are at the prime of our phisical life, and we have to walk everywhere, so we are relatively all in some sort of shape. Of course, round is a shape... so I guess a better way of saying it would be that we most all have edges. I brag not on my muscles. In fact... I really need to get back in the gym. I did weight training all throughout high school and it felt so good, but now I don't really work out like I should. Also, with this protein diet (tuna fish) that I'm on, I'm going to bulk up in either muscle mass or fat mass depending on what I do with the new income. I have to punish myself though. I must get past the initial soarness of the first few weeks of workout. I also need to find a weight training partner. I know lots of stuff about training too, I just need the discipline to apply it. Other than that though, I got alot done today. I went to the store and bought envelopes and some cd-r's, but I still have to get stamps to mail my mom the Vanderbilt medical bill mentioned in one of my previouse journals (you have to keep track of these things). I also got my laundry done today which really needed to be done. I was re wearing alot of my stuff here cause when I thought about it, I don't really have anyone to impress, but it was getting too nasty for even me. You know (or maybe... hopefully... you don't) how when your cloths have that humid feel to them? Yeah, that means it's time to wash those babies. I did too, and speaking of cloths, I also got to dress up tonight for another formal frat meeting. I really like dressing up on the occasion. I just get this professional feel about me. Tomorrow is a new day though and the big recording day! The final product won't be ready until December 1st though, so I won't have anything when I come home for Thanksgiving break... on the other hand, I might... but don't bet on anything. I also get to see how I did on my math test tomorrow. Hopefully it will be good news, as I feel it might be, but unlike other subjects, I can never quite accuratly depict the outcome of a math test. I just don't have a feel for that kind of stuff. Well, I'm going to bed now... I must crush this ensamnia with my big stinky foot... and to think I was once such a morning person!

This day been swell! I can't think of one thing wrong with it other than the fact that I totaly fell off the top bunk backwards tonight and busted my back and head in a way that seems undescribable by human words. I also got locked out of my room for the third time!!! I think I'll start with this morning. The first thing this morning was eight o'clock rec tech. I wasn't looking forward to it, not because it's rec tech, but because it's eight o'clock rec tech. We had a suprise today though. Instead of a lecture, we got to watch a film on the production of the Sergent Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album from the Beatles. I thought that was super swell. Some more stuff that made me smile today was that my writer's block was finally removed. I haven't been able to write a song in quite some time until last night. I wrote one called "Can You Hear Them Fall?" It's about just wanting to sit alone for a little bit and think about a situation. It is in the fall, and a breeze is blowing leaves all around and I think about how those leaves were once attached to a tree which was the only thing in the world that they cared about. In their colorful prime, the tree let them go and let them fall, but as they did, they did it gracefully and made no noise. But "Roads are paved with better things, with better days and better dreams" so look on the bright side I guess. Once again this song, as well as 90% of all my songs are written in relation to girls, and I've tried to break from that, but on second thought, I don't think I will. That is what I feel and that is what I write. My second song called "Rainy Lullaby" is pretty much that: a lullaby. Of course I was thinking about a girl upon writing it, but you could take it different ways. I think this versitility might do the song a bit of justice, and it's also got a catchy tune and a hook for the audience. These songs, as well as others, will be available on my website as soon as I get it done, so keep an eye out for them. More happiness was brought to me upon the succesfull fixing of my boss's computer. I spent 6 hours trying to get that thing back in running condition, and I finally finished. Even more came to me when I learned that on my recording at RCA studios, I will be receiving the great honor of having Elvis's piano on my song! That is so awsome. Elvis recorded almost all of his songs featuring piano on that very one! That's not all though. Eric called me today and he stopped by. We took a tour and jammed around a little bit before I had to go to math tutoring. Pray for me that I might do well on my math test tomorrow. I will need it... and I believe it is someone's birthday today... so HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRITTANY!!! Now I'm going to get all showered and cleaned up (except for my facial hair cause it's NO SHAVE NOVEMBER!!!)(I actually have stuff to grow this year too, it's great)(I feel like such a big boy). After the shower we're having tea time, and then I'm going to sweet sweet bed. Talk to everyone tomorrow, God willing. Later!

This weekend was rather nice I'd say. Most of it consisted of sleep, but the waking hours were rather nice and entertaining. Friday after work I got to take a long nap. It was, of course, Halloween, so I wanted rest for that night. My frat was having a party and the only directions I got were across the street from a burned down church on Belmont Blvd. Well, Matt and I were thinkin "Belmont Blvd. isn't that long." or so we though. Anyways, we walked and walked for a good few miles at night, and found no church. We got so far down, we eventually decided to jog back cause we didn't think we would find it. Well, we got back to the dorm and I called Charles, one of my fellow PM's. He said that there was a burned down church on Belmont Blvd, so this time Matt and I went in his car. Wouldn't you know that the church was just on the other side of the intersection that we turned around at? Yeah, well we went to find the house but we couldn't find it. I suppose all for the better though. I'm not much of a party person anyways. We just came back and watched 28 Days Later. That movie was one of the scarriest I've seen so far in my quest to see a movie that actually scares me. It has yet to happen, but I admit that I did jump once. Anyways, I think I went to bed at around 3:30 and I slept in till noon on Saturday. That was FABULOUS! What was better though, was that two hours later I decided to take a two hour nap. In short: I was awake for two hours of solid day light. It gets dark awful early here. The sun goes down at about five and that's much earlier than I am used to, or maybe I just never payed it much attention until now. Later though, we decided to watch another scarry movie so Ryan and Scotty B. and I went searching around Nasville for a Blockbuster. We ended up getting Nightmare On Elm Street cause I always wanted to see Freddy Crouger. I think those 70's B moives are just swell. We also went by Wendy's to get some frosties, but I got frosties and frenchfries. Everybody thinks that's grose, but I really like em that way now. Course, I thought it was grose at first too, but once I tried it I was head over heels for them. When we got back to the dorm I had to use the bathroom, and all my buddies' rooms were empty. Anyways, I walked in to the bathroom and everyone was in there with chairs and all the showers on full hot. It was the most amaizing sauna ever, so I spent a bit of time in there before we watched the movie. I guess the big concern for this upcoming week though is my math test on tuesday. I really need to do well on it, or I may have to take it over again next semester. That would just be a waste of money. So I'm going to study my brains out in math for the next two days and see what I can see. Well, I guess that's about it for today. I'll be coming home in a few weeks for Thanksgiving!